Mom to 
Ayanna Sarai, Lost to Ectopic Pregnancy, January 2003
Tatiana Alexis, December 28th, 2005
Cameron Alexander, July 6th, 2006
Maia Elise, Lost to Chemical Pregnancy, 2008
Gavin Michael, July 23rd, 2010
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Where do I begin. I have so many unhappy endings. Well, I guess I’ll start at the beginning with my very first pregnancy. 
On Christmas Eve 2002, I had a sneaking suspicion that I may be expecting, so I took a pregnancy test. To my surprise it was positive. I was so excited! 11 days later I was arguing with my boyfriend at the time and began have severe cramping and pain. There was no bleeding, so I decided to lay down for a while in hopes that the pain would subside. It got worse. I went to the ER and explained that I was about 6 weeks pregnant. Blood work was drawn and it confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, but when an ultrasound was performed, no embryo could be seen. It was immediately suspected that the pregnancy was ectopic and could not be saved. I was so heartbroken.
Unknown to me, my right fallopian tube had ruptured from where the baby has implanted and began to grow and I was hemorrhaging internally. On x-ray, the doctors saw that my abdominal cavity was full of blood. I was rushed to have emergency surgery in order to save my life. My right tube was removed as well as the products of conception. In my heart, I knew that was the little girl I had always wanted so I named my child “Ayanna Sarai.” 
My second loss story takes place almost 3 year later with the conception of my daughter Tatianna Alexis. I had that same sneaking suspsicion that I may be expecting so I took a pregnancy test while at work. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that second line. I called my (new) boyfriend and told him that he was going to be a dad. He was just as excited as I was. I had a troubled pregnancy with a few bleeding scares, but all in all each time, my baby was fine. At 16 weeks into my pregnancy, I was offered an amniocentisis because my other blood work showed some possible abnormal results for down syndrome. Scared to death that something was wrong with my little one, I agreed. After the test, the doctor asked if I wanted to know the sex. I was surprised because I didn’t think it could be determined that early. He said he got a peek between the baby’s legs. So in my eagerness to know the sex I accepted. When he told me I was having a girl, I didn’t believe him. I always wanted a precious little girl but never thought I would have one since my family is male dominated. 1 week later when I received the results of the amnio and they were negative, I was relieved but was just as excited to hear that the doctors prediction had been confirmed by the amnio results and that I was indeed having my much anticipated daughter. 
Then, the dreadful day came on December 25 2005. I traveled to see my parents in Virginia for the holidays. While there, on Christmas morning while opening presents with my 3 year old son, my water broke. I went straight to the ER there and was flown back to my hometown 2 days later. It was confirmed that my water had broken and I was devastated. In the midst of my heartached and tears, I heard one of the doctors mention attempting a procedure called amnio infusion, but that attempt was abnadoned. My daughter had no amniotic fluid and there was little chance of her survival. She was still alive, had a strong heartbeat and was still kicking inside me. Then I had to make the most painful decision of my life to terminate my pregnancy because she was given less than a 3% chance. 
On December 28, 2005 at 11:55 am, I delivered my sweet baby girl. She had passed away while I was in labor. 
Fast forward to March of 2006. Again, another miraculous pregnancy. Early on, I had a bleeding scare and again, went to the ER. I was told that I was suspected to have either a blighted ovum or another ectopic pregnancy and was advised to terminate the pregnancy. I refused because I was not having the same symptoms as I had during my ectopic so I waited for a second opinion and am glad that I did. It turns out that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage but I also had a healthy little baby growing inside me. Eventually the bleeding did stop and the pregnancy progressed as normal. 
At 17 weeks, I went in for a routine visit and had an ultrasound to check my cervix which I had no idea why my doc was performing a cervical check and didn’t bother to ask. While checking on my little one, I got a good look between the baby’s legs and saw that infamous “little turtle” shape and knew immediately that it was a boy. A week later while at home, I had just gotten out of the shower and was towel drying myself off. I had no pain or any other strange symptoms. But when I stood up from sitting on my bed there was a huge gush of bright red blood. I rushed to the ER and it was determined that my little boy Cameron had passed away. I was induced into labor and delieved him on July 6, 2006 at 10:46 AM at 18 weeks and 5 days gestation. 
My 4th pregnancy loss was over before it really even began. After trying to conceive for almost 2 years after the loss of my son Cameron, I got pregnant again. I was so doubtful that it was even real. While getting ready for work early one morning, I took a pregnancy test and it was indeed positive. I was over the moon but was skeptical. So, while at work later that afternoon on my lunch break I took another test to confirm my results from earlier. Strangely enough it was negative. I was shocked and in disbelief. “Maybe that was a faulty test” I thought to myself and bought 2 other different brands in the hope that the 2nd test was incorrect. In total I took 5 tests over the course of 12 hours and they were all negative. When I contacted my doctor she advised me that I had suffered a “chemical pregnancy”. I never learned the gender of the baby I lost in my 4th pregnancy but gave the baby the name “Maia Elise” in the hopes that it had been another little girl. 
My last final devastating loss occured just months ago with the death of my son Gavin Michael. After trying to conceive for 2 years I had all but given up and thought that at the age of 36 I would never have another child and that my 7 year old son would be an only child. In late March of 2010, my now ex-fiance and I were sent a miracle. He had no children of his own at 40 years old and I was very happy to have been blessed yet again with another child. Actually, it was he who told me I was pregnant in the first place but I did not believe him. While laying in bed one night I was awakened in the middle of the night. A wave of nausea had just hit me out of the blue. “That’s strange” I thought to myself. “Why would I be feeling sick in the middle of the night?” So, just to entertain myself I went and dug out my last pregnancy test that my ex-fiance thought he had hidden from me and headed to the bathroom. There I was standing in front of the sink, staring down at the digital test, watching the little hourglass spin, waiting for what seemed like an eternity. I had convinced myself that it was going to return a “not pregnant” result and I turned to leave the bathroom and go back to bed. But curiosity got the best of me when I got halfway down the hallway to my bedroom and I turned to go back to the bathroom to take a peak at the test. When I saw that word “pregnant” on the little screen I was in such shock that I just stood there and it took a minute to hit me. I just stood there staring at this little stick I had just peed on that told me I was going to be a mommy again. Then I started jumping up and down and was so excited that I ran in the room with the test in my hand, woke my ex-fiance up and told him that we were having a baby! He was so happy as was I. 
A few days later the bleeding started so I went to the ER. Since it was so early, the doctors said that there wasn’t much that could be done but they had suspected yet another ectopic even though my symptoms did not present as an ectopic. I immediately dismissed that diagnosis. I had some bleeding off and on for 2 weeks and just as mysteriously as the bleeding started, it stopped with no explanation as to why it had ever started to begin with. The pregnancy progressed as normal and I prayed that I would make it past 18 weeks. 
I did and had started to relax a bit. My relationship was on its last legs at the time and we had just broken up shortly before I suffered this devastating miscarriage. I went to stay with my parents for the remainder of my pregnancy since I no longer had anyone at home to look after me and help me with everything. While at work one day I noticed some watery discharge and at first it didn’t bother me but it kept increasing in amounts and I knew it was not my bladder leaking. I remained at work but on my way home, the cramping started so when I got to my parents house I decided to lay down for a while. I had an at home fetal doppler and I checked my baby’s heartbeat and it was just as strong as ever and he was moving and kicking. The cramping had not stopped within an hour so my mother drove me to the ER at 7 PM. I was praying that my baby was going to be OK. I went to use the bathroom while waiting to be examined and noticed a small amount of blood and knew this was not going to be a good outcome. The tears started coming and I begged God not to take my baby, to spare its innocent little life. By 9 PM when the doctor came in to examine me I could tell by the look on her face that something was terribly wrong. When she sat back and told me that my cervix had completely dialated and that my baby’s sac was in the birth canal everything seemed to have frozen. She told me that my little one could not be saved because my cervix was completely open and he was already on his way out. But while I was hooked up the the monitors, my baby still had a heartbeat and I could still feel him moving and wasn’t really feeling any contractions. I wailed and cried and screamed and asked my mother “Why does God keep doing this to me?! Why does he hate me so much and keep taking my babies?!” 
The doctors and nurses left the room and came back to prep me to be induced into labor. My mother tried to console me but I cried for hour. 
On July 23, 2010 at 1:57 AM I delivered my precious baby boy Gavin with no one but my mother and 2 of my cousins by my side. He was so perfect. He survived for 1 minute and my mother held his tiny hand as he took a few breaths and struggled to breathe and then lost his battle and went to sleep with the angels. To all 5 of my angel babies, I love you all very much and miss you terribly. Rest in peace and I will see you all again in heaven some day.

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  1. God does not hate you. He also doesn't approve in sex outside of marriage. Perhaps that is why you have so much guilt.
    Get right with Him.
    God loves you and wants you to live life abundantly happy and blessed.

  2. I am sorry for your losses. I am not in medicine, but I am wondering if you decide to try again and become pregnant, it might be worth asking your provider early on about IC (incompetent cervix). I am wondering if a preventative cerclage might help your next pregnancy. At any rate, take care, and best of luck. Hugs.

  3. I am so sorry that you have had to experience the loss of five angel babies. I pray that you know that God does not hate you and he never will. I am a RN and with your history I would recommend that if you ever conceive again to seek care from a doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies to discuss options like a cerclage. Another option is when you are not pregnant to have genetic counseling, so that you can be evaluated before a pregnancy to see if there are any genetic and/or blood-related issues that may be causing you difficulties in your pregnancies. God Bless!

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