Mom to Allyn Elizabeth
August 16th, 2010
Colwich, Kansas
On July 28th, 2010 we found out we were expecting our third baby! We were ecstatic! We had been trying for this baby for almost a year. 

 On August 15th, a Sunday afternoon/evening while out golfing with family i started to have an unbearable stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. We were leaving, my dad and step-mother agreed to keep our Daugher and our Son with them, we thought we were just gonna go and lie down and see if it got better. As we were leaving the parking lot, I knew that was not the case and told my Husband that we were going to the ER. We went into the small town ER and my Husband had to run and find someone to help. When we finally go into a bed it was forever before a Dr came in and then we were sent for an ultrasound. While the ultrasound was being done they then started an IV. The ultrasound tech could not find anything and she said that we were still early enough that her machine just might not be high powered enough, but that we should prepare for the possibility of an ectopic. I asked her (more like begged her) “please, can’t it just be gas, can’t you just give me something and it will be better?” She said it could be anything. The Dr came back and said that he wanted us sent to Wichita by ambulance, that if it was an ectopic they would be better equipped to handle the situation. Secretly I think they knew it was and knew that they could not handle the situation, but were still trying to give me some hope. So forever later (not really, but when you are in that kind of pain with the possibility of losing your baby, things can not possibly move fast enough) we were loaded up in the ambulance. Dad had come to the ER and said that they would keep the kids and get the car moved and everything.

We arrived at the Wichita hospital and there was some confusion about what exactly was going on. I was told in the ambulance that they would send me for an ultrasound right away and the dr at the Wichita ER asked why i would be sent for one, during my internal exam. I then explained that they suspected an ectopic and he went to check the papers again. During the time he was away our wonderful nurse started another IV (just in case, she said) and gave me some morphine, ( I was in an unbelievable amount of pain) which i asked if it was ok for the baby and she smiled at me and reassured me that it was. She knew what the outcome was going to be, but I was still holding out hope. I had to believe that it was all still ok. She then needed me to go and pee in a cup, i couldn’t, it hurt so incredibly bad. Nurse said to wait for the morphine and then try again. So I did and managed it this time. Then the Dr came back and they sent me for an emergency ultrasound. I am not sure what he found in my paper work, but something lit a fire under his rear end and we were moving a whole lot faster with things. At the ultrasound, the tech told me that she had special clearance from the hospital to tell me exactly what she was seeing and didn’t have to wait for a Dr to tell us or review it.

So she started with the uterus, and then she said what we all could see on the screen…..there was no baby in the uterus. She showed us massive amounts of internal bleeding that shouldn’t have been there. She showed us the right tube and she found the baby, just outside of the ovary, little thing didn’t get far at all. She showed us the baby! She moved and had a heartbeat! She was alive. She diagnosed me…..Live Ectopic Pregnancy….I had no idea how much I would come to hate those words. I asked her (again begging) isn’t there anything that can be done and she just shook her head and told me that I needed surgery as soon as they could get the O.R. ready. I lost it, my Husband lost it, my mom (who had been called by my brother and had come to the ER) lost it. During this time my right shoulder began killing me, I have never experienced shoulder pain so bad in all my life. We were wheeled back to our room. I felt like I should just die, that I couldn’t do this, this is not possible, I had two happy healthy full term babies already, this isn’t happening.

The surgeon came in to talk to us. She is wonderful, they couldn’t get a hold of my regular OBGYN because of something going on with the paging system, but I am grateful I had a woman, and one that was so caring and nice, sincerely nice. She explained the situation to us, said that the shoulder pain is a sign of internal bleeding, that the blood pushes things around and puts pressure on your diaphragm and makes your shoulder(s) hurt. She said that there would be no waiting, it had to be done now. We would lose the baby and that she would do her best to try and save the right tube, but it would depend on how things looked once she got started. She explained that the surgery would be done with scopes unless something went wrong during the surgery. Then a nurse handed me the clip board with the consent papers and told me that they needed my signature. I had to sign a consent form allowing them to do the procedure, to kill my baby and take her away from me. She had a heartbeat, she moved, I had to decide to kill her, I killed my baby. This thought has been the hardest part to deal with.

They took me to surgery, my Husband kissed me, Mom gave me a hug, Dad (who arrived just moments before they started) gave me a hug and kiss. The last thing I remember is the kind anesthesiologist putting the mask on and telling me to relax and breathe. Then I remember waking up in the recovery area, I had been told by the surgical team that as soon as I woke my Husband could come back to me, I asked where he was numerous times, and I either didn’t get an answer or don’t remember the answer. They started wheeling me to my room and I kept asking “where is my husband?” over and over again. Evidently we were wheeling past the waiting room and he heard me ask the nurses and came out to find me. That was the only feeling of relief I had, that he was there. As was my mom and my dad. They stayed until 4 a.m. just sitting in the room with us. We finally told them that they could go home and get some rest, that nothing else was gonna happen.

The ordeal started at 7p.m. at the Kingman ER, we were in the ambulance on our way to Wichita at a little after 8p.m., checking in at the Wichita ER at about 9p.m., surgery started at about 11p.m. The following morning the surgeon came and talked to us. She really is so very kind and such a great Dr. I cried and she rubbed my arm, gave me a hug and said she was sorry. The nurse that we had the night before did the same when we were in the ER, they truly were sorry and really cared. We told them both how lucky we felt to have had them with us. I am grateful. I truly awful experience could have been made so much worse with the wrong Drs and Nurses. Our surgeon explained that they had to take the right tube, because it was bad, it had fully ruptured and there was a lot of internal bleeding. I am not sure if it was her or another Dr along the way, but one of them explained that there was more bleeding in there than they anticipated and that it wouldn’t have been more than an hour, maybe two and I would have went into shock and could have possibly turned fatal for me as well, that I was a very lucky person. Ya, lucky all right, right then I wanted to die also. I had no idea how I would ever get through all of that.

The Dr said that we could go later that afternoon. We got home at about 8p.m. Monday night, 24 hours later. We came home to our two wonderful children and my Husband’s mother, who had picked up the kids from my dad’s house that morning and brought them home and stayed with them until we got home. I got changed into some comfy clothes and sat down at the table. My Daughter, who is 4 1/2, was told by my Husband’s mother what happened, we are not sure exactly what she was told, but she knew the jist of it. She came up to me crying and asked me why I lost the baby. I could barely hold off the hysteria. I mean what do you say? I explained that the baby was in the wrong spot in my tummy and so the baby had to go and be with God, that she had died and went to heaven to watch over us. She accepted that answer at the moment.

My abdomen began to swell while in the hospital and continued to do so. I had a massive bruise about 3-4 inches below my belly button. EVERYTHING hurt. My Husband stayed home Tuesday. I kept swelling and the bruising was getting much worse. Wednesday my aunt came in the morning to help for a couple hours and then my Husband’s mom came and stayed the rest of the day, until he got home. Thursday my step-brother’s girlfriend came and helped until lunch, and then a friend of mine came. All Wednesday night I started a fever and threw up the entire night. Having just had major surgery and throwing up is not my idea of fun at all. I had called the on call OBGYN, and it was my Dr. She wanted me to come back to the ER, I told her that was nearly impossible since I could not drive and where was I gonna find someone to watch my kids at 3 in the morning? So she said to watch the fever, if it got to a certain point to go to the ER, no questions. Well the fever got there and then some, so we made the arrangements for my Husband to come home and get me and the arrangements for the kids to go stay at his parents’ house for the night. We went to the ER, at a different hospital, so this makes 3 different ERs at 3 different hospitals in 5 days. We were admitted. Diagnosis was that I had a saddle injury (the bruise on my abdomen was hip to hip, 5 inches wide and black, it stopped at my c-section scar and then started again below it, even my labia were bruised and black, it was awful) I had a blood vessel that had been hit during the surgery causing a hernia the size of an egg to stick off of my side at that incision, along with the blood clot sitting underneath it, I had two major hematomas inside, I had a hesitant bladder because of the blood sitting around it, my hemoglobin levels were dangerously low, i was dehydrated, and my pain was out of control. FUN let me tell you. I was on IV fluids and pain medication, sent for a CT scan, had blood drawn every 4 hours, given extra iron, and had to stay in bed unless to use the bathroom.

We were discharged from the hospital the following afternoon. I was told to take it extremely easy, no lifting, to be very cautious of the hernia/blood clot, take extra vitamins and monitor my temp continuously. I also had to have 4 follow up appointment in the next two weeks for blood work and to monitor the blood clot/hernia.  I easily looked 6-7 months pregnant from the blood and swelling. That was terrible. We went to the pharmacy to get my meds and the pharmacist looked at my belly and then up at me and said “you can’t take this while pregnant”, I about fell on the floor. I was in shock, I simply stated, ok. Really I wanted to punch her and scream at the world what I had just been through, but i didn’t.

Sunday was the memorial service for those of us who had lost babies in the last couple of weeks, they do this twice a month. It was so touching. I was not really grieving until that day. I had spent the previous 7 days in a haze, on narcotics for pain, and not in touch with reality. The babies will be buried in January. All of them lost in that time period in a small little casket together. We had asked God to help guide us to the decision of what gender the baby was, and we all agreed that the baby was a little girl. Our little girl. Her name is Allyn Elizabeth. Right now she sits in a jar in a lab, waiting to be laid to rest.

You can contact her at country.family@live.com
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  1. My Life... says:

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost an ectopic pregnancy at 11 weeks. Went through the same horrible process, and I agree the hardest part was signing the consent. December will be 2 years since I lost my sweet baby and I still struggle with it each day. Good luck to you.

  2. Thank you! I am also sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is so heartbreaking. I am happy to say that our sweet baby will be laid to rest in a burial service on January 28th, 2011. I will feel much better having this closure.

  3. I too had a live ectopic, saw the heart beat as well. It is the hardest thing ever.
    I'm glad you were able to have a burial service to have closure.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic just 4 weeks ago and it is devastating.

    Just wanted to say one thing–YOU did not kill your baby. She would have died no matter what; there is no way she could have lived. What you chose was to save your own life. It's not your fault.


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