Angels March 2001 and April 30th, 2010
Media, PA
My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. We were elated when we found out we were pregnant. It seemed so easy! It was the first time we tried and could not wait to share our news. We were getting ready to go on a vacation with my husband’s family so I went to Planned Parenthood just to get a test before we told everyone. Planned Parenthood confirmed my pregnancy and we could not have been happier.

Then the night before we were getting on a plane to head to Florida, I just did not feel right. I had a tugging at my side and felt like some of my symptoms had faded so we went to the ER to get things checked out. They wanted to do an ultrasound but there was not a tech there at the time so they called someone in. We were in the ER for hours waiting on the u/s. When the tech did the ultrasound, they did not see a sac but thought that maybe it was too early. He told me to wait it out and if I felt anything while I was away, I should go to the hospital.

So there we are in Florida, supposed to be having fun in the Happiest Place on Earth and I just did not feel right. We went to the ER and they repeated the ultrasound and still nothing. I was devastated. I could not even stay on vacation. I arranged for an appointment at an OB for later in the week and boarded a plane to head home early. To make a long story short, they tested my HCG levels and they were not climbing. I was scheduled for a D&C a week later. So there I was one week later, sobbing in my Dr’s office waiting to end what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life.

Fast forward 9 years and we had been trying for 16 months. My cycles were crazy. I went months without a period and even had a period that lasted a few months. I wasn’t giving up but stopped actively trying. Then once again, we are in the Happiest Place on Earth and I start feeling really crappy. I have the worst headaches and am nauseous. I put it off as just being tired from a very busy trip but the feeling has not passed even after we arrive at home, so on Monday morning, before heading back to work, I take a test. In fact I even take 2 because I do not believe the first on. I was shocked but so happy. I told my husband and we both shared our excitement. I kept it quiet at work besides telling one person and we only told our families.

I went for my first Dr. appointment and all looked well. My bloodwork came back fine. Then we went for my 2nd appointment where we got to hear the heartbeat at 15 weeks. My youngest child was there and he was so excited to hear his new baby brother or sister’s heartbeat. Things were going well except for an occasional nagging thought that something did not seem right. I pushed it off as nerves because I am a huge worrywart. So off I went to my 20 week appointment. I dropped my kids off at school, which is also where I work, and everyone said they were waiting for their texts to tell them if it was a boy or girl.

I had my check up scheduled first so my husband decided that he would just meet me afterwards for my ultrasound. I went in to my appointment and my blood pressure was a little high, as it had been on and off throughout the first 20 weeks but was always told it was OK. I joked with the nurse that I wouldn’t mind being put on bedrest. She talked about the Dr. possibly putting me on a medication for that.

So he comes in and my husband wants to be on speaker while we talk about my blood pressure. He jokes with the Dr. that I need to eat better and exercise more. He and the Dr. joke for a minute but then he goes to listen to the heartbeat. My husband is still talking and I keep telling him to stop so that the dr. can hear. When I realize that he has been searching pretty hard I tell my husband to be quiet but he does not get it so I hang up. All I can do is stare up at the ceiling and hold back my tears.

At this point I knew that it was bad. He kept picking up my heartbeat which was racing. He says that he cannot find it but will call down to get me an ultrasound ASAP. He leaves the room and I am left alone. I call my husband who has since jumped in the car and begun the 30 minute trip to the hospital. I tell him what happened and just cry. Go figure that as I am talking to him, he thinks he is getting pulled over so he hangs up. I did not know what to do so I called my mom at work. I could hear her crying on the other end and telling me that she wished that she could be there with me.

The Dr. comes back in and says I need to go down to u/s right away because they are squeezing me in. So I have to walk down by myself, sobbing the entire way. I am met by 4 wonderful women who took my hand and tried to comfort me. I cannot bring myself to look at the screen or ask if it was a boy or girl. I only manage to ask when they think the heart stopped and they said 1-2 weeks before.

They walk me back up to my Dr’s office where my husband meets me. We just stand in the waiting room hugging and crying. We wait to see the Dr. and when we meet with him he offers me two options. I could deliver the baby or have a D & E. Immediately my husband and I both chose the D&E. I knew in my heart that I could not handle the delivery. Unfortunately, my Dr. does not do this procedure so he recommends a colleague of his. He arranges everything for me and I just have to wait for them to call me with my appointment times.

I have to drive home that day by myself. On the way home, I call into work where I tell my coworker what happened and ask her to spread the word to everyone so that I would not have to. However, I told her it was important that my kids do not hear it from anyone else.

By the time I got home, the other OB’s office called me with my appointment. It was a Friday afternoon and I was set up with a consult Monday morning and set for surgery on Tuesday. The weekend was torture for me. Those days were the worst of my life. We head to the Dr. on Monday for the consult, I cry the entire time. Then I had to go over to the hospital for pre-admissions testing. I could not look at anyone without crying, people must have thought I was crazy.

Then the next day I wake up and we get ready to go. My husband and I both cry the entire way to the hospital, walking into the hospital and sitting in the waiting room. Finally, they call me up and get me into a room to be prepped. I can barely get myself changed into my gown. Then one of the worst parts of the entire situation was when I had to sign off on my baby’s cremation. I could not even do it, my husband signed for us.

Shortly after they put me in a bed and got ready to wheel me into the pre surgery area. I have to leave my husband and I sob as he hugs me and gets on the opposite elevator of me. I cry the entire way up and when I get there. Dr’s and nurses give me sympathetic looks and one then comes to tell me that my husband will be right down. I guess they realized how important it was for me to have him there. He sits with me until I get my sedative and I don’t even remember falling asleep. I wake up less than an hour later and am wheeled into recovery. We stay for another 2 hours and then I am sent home empty handed.

Overall, the procedure was rather simple physically. Emotionally, I will never be the same. For days after, I second guessed my decisions and most days I still do. But I have come to know that I made the best decisions that I could at the time and that has to be ok with me. 

You can contact Michelle at mjskowronek@verizon.net
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