Losing a baby can take it’s toll on any relationship, but especially the one with your significant other. Below are some comments from real women about how their relationships changed and about how both partners have supported each other through such a difficult time. If you would like to submit your advice/tips, please email them to firstname.lastname@example.org with ‘real advice’ in the subject line. Thanks!
Sometimes loss brings us closer together…
The following women have shared about how their relationships have grown stronger and some things that each partner did to help support each other and strengthen their bond. We hope that some of these tips will help others to strengthen their relationships as well.
- My husband and I are closer since we lost our 5 month old son in September. One very important thing we’ve realized is that we grieve differently, and we have to support that in each other. - Jennifer
- I try to remember to ask hubby how he’s feeling from time to time since he doesn’t often offer that info even though he might be hurting. He has been patient and listens when I need him. - Isha
- I’ve been blessed to share my life with a wonderful man. Sometimes we just need to sit together in silence, almost as a moment of understanding. On the random occasion when I walk up to him crying, he doesn’t even ask what’s wrong, he just puts his arms around me and holds me tight. We’re so in tune that the times we have that silent moment, we just know. I guess it’s been a confirmation of what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Thank God for that & for him. I don’t know what I’d do without that. - Jamie
- My husband and I have always been very close, but losing our Daughter has only brought us closer. I didn’t know we could get any closer but we did. He grieves right along with me. He is having just as hard time as me. - Sarah
- My husband and my relationship didn’t change much. If anything it brought us closer together. We were strong for the other. When he finally broke down I was the shoulder that he had been for me for so long. He even went to a few counseling sessions with me just so we could process everything with losing our son and finding out he was deploying. But in the end we were just constantly there for one another. We listened to the shattered dreams the other had and sympathized with the anger. - Brittany
- We have become closer as a couple. There is a new level of kindness and patience between us. The loss after we went to great lengths to conceive has affected me in a way that I can not put into words. We don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. - Erika
- Our relationship is so much stronger. We have learned to share our feeling and actually listen to each other. He has been the only person that has truly been There for me. - Stephanie
- Through trials in our marriage DH and I have built strong communication skills, which was so crucial after our loss. I knew I could share with him any feeling, no matter how irrational, and he was going to be sympathetic to that. On the flip side I was fortunate enough to have him share with me, he very honestly told me how hard it was for him to see me hurting and know that he could not run in and save the day. At their very core, men are heroes and problem solvers and in the case of the loss they, really can’t be either, it just doesn’t work that way with child loss. It was so important for me to assure my husband that no, he could not fix our miscarriage or take the hurt away, but that him being there to hold me, and cry with me was enough…and he has been! - Maria
- Remember that men and women grieve differently, just because my husband wasn’t as expressive or open in his grief as me didn’t mean he wasn’t. Be patient with one another, support each other during the extra hard times, try to be gracious. There’ll be harder days and some not as hard, one day at a time, sometimes it’s one hour at a time. Communicate with each other. - Kerry
- We are blessed to have an amazing marriage. Communication is the key. After losing 5 angels, we have an incredible connection. The biggest thing he did to help me was tell me he would never understand the depth of my grief as a mama but that he was there for me and supported me in all ways. This was huge for me. It really helped show me that he “got it.”. For my husband, he said I’ve helped him by letting him keep busy without making him feel guilty. We both acknowledge our loses, our grief, and accept each others process. - Andrea
- We became closer.. My husband was there for me when I needed him the most and I found myself loving him even more! We were there for each other and remained positive of the future. I would be lost without him. - Se
- we are closer then before its been 7 years but the day I new he was always going to be there was when we were putting the baby’s things away I did not know how to work it and I lost it he made everyone that was in the house get out and put me to bed he called into work and after I got up from napping there he was still setting on the bed in the dark just there never walked away from me 7 years still never walks away - Christina
Unfortunately, not every relationship is strong enough to survive the loss of a child.
The following women have shared how their relationships suffered after their loss. If you feel like you are heading in this direction, know that you are not alone. Read the sharings above and think about ways you can make changes in your relationship that might help heal both of you.
- My relationship started falling apart after the loss… My ex was not supportive at all and even called me nuts and accused me being crazy for getting depressed and having to go to counseling trying to get over of the dark hole I’ve been through. - Shella
- My husband chose not to see our son (16 weeks gestation). It has put a void between us because I feel like he doesn’t care or understand. It has only been 3 months, so I think we’ll get there… it’s just going to take time. – Crystal
- Right after we lost Stella my husband and I were very close – we were not able to do anything without the other. It’s been 9 months and we have begun to drift apart. We are trying our best to do things with each other and spend time together, but we both still in so much pain that it is making it hard to enjoy each other. - Shanna
- The first few weeks after we lost Stella we were closer than ever. As the weeks have passed (almost 4 months now) our relationship is strained. While I still have more sad/depressed times, he buries it deep inside. Counseling is helping us to bridge that gap though and we are both determined to work through this. Guys are just raised to be strong (from women) and when we are hurting and see them carrying on almost like nothing happened it creates a lot of anger, anger that they are not grieving like we are. - Patty
- It destroyed our relationship, he never understood how I felt. - Ami