Bailey Jameson, EDD October 14th, 2007, grew wings on April 1st, 2007
Audrey Kate, EDD January 18th, 2010, grew wings on May 25th, 2009
Chemical Pregnancy – July 14th, 2009
In December 2006, I married my husband, the love of my life. We were on the birth control pill and had a pregnancy scare around the end of January. I had been sick with the flu for weeks and ended up taking a negative pregnancy test, so we figured the flu had postponed my period. I started taking antibiotics soon after for an ear infection, not realizing that would mess up the birth control. We were moving out of state and my aunt and uncle threw us a going away party where we drank and had a good time. I had no idea that I was pregnant at the time. About a month later, my period had not showed up. I didn’t worry much because this had just happened. Maybe the move had put stress on my body. I took a test, expecting a BFN and to my surprise it read “Pregnant” I was so excited and so scared all at the same time. We told all our family immediately. We went in for an ultrasound at a clinic where ultrasound techs were being trained and we saw the beautiful little beating heart of our baby. He (we never knew sex, we just had a feeling it was a boy) was measuring about 3 weeks behind what he should have been, but we were told that my dates could just be off since my cycle was messed up anyway. On March 31, 2007, I woke up bleeding. I panicked. We went to the emergency room where the doctor on call told me he was 99% sure we were having a miscarriage. I held onto that 1%, thinking that if I loved my baby enough, my love could save him. Of course they did an ultrasound and the doctor told me that “there was never even a baby” It was a blighted ovum, an empty sac. No. That couldn’t be. We just saw the baby a few weeks earlier and even saw the beating heart. He was wrong. I had a picture at home of our child, not an empty sac. We went home to my grandma’s and my cousin and his wife were living there too, she was a saint. She had gone through this as well and was amazing support. I was so scared. I couldn’t do this again. No way. I fell asleep that night and then woke up about an hour later with a small cramp. Every hour on the hour, I would wake up and the cramps were even stronger. I started bleeding heavier and passed my first clot about midnight. I ended up waking everyone in the house because of my crying, thinking i had passed my baby. My cousin’s wife assured me that it was just a clot and I would know for sure when the baby was passed. Every hour I woke up with these horrid cramps, wondering why God would give me physical pain as well as the emotional pain of losing a baby? It wasn’t fair. With the first one, I was on pain medication so I didn’t feel anything at all. This was new to me. Why did it have to hurt like that? Was I not going through enough emotionally? We went back to the doctor the next morning, it was a Sunday and the doctor on call showed up in his Sunday church suit. I felt bad for pulling him out of church. Well, they did an exam and my body had cleared out almost everything. There was still some tissue stuck in my cervix so they pulled out the rest of it and the nurse made sure I didn’t see it and wrapped it up in a towel and set it on the table. When they left the room, I looked. My baby was so tiny. No bigger than my thumb. I will never get that picture out of my mind. We named him Bailey Jameson. We decided we wanted to try for a baby, so the doctor said 3 months. Exactly 3 months later, our daughter was conceived. She was born March 11, 2008 after being diagnosed with preeclampsia and being induced at 38 weeks, ended up with a csection because my blood pressure was so high, they thought I might have a stroke.
I have chosen to work and serve with Angels of Hope in order to channel my energy and help my grief process. It helps me to be involved. I have been sitting on my emotions for a very long time and it’s time that I work my grief out. I’ve been suffering with anxiety/depression long enough and now I need to channel that grief into something worthwhile! The guilt I have of not being able to give my husband a child disturbs me everyday. I do not know how to rid myself of this guilt. The thought of not having a family ~ my dream since I was a little girl is devastating! However, I have to find a way to deal this.
There are only about 100 or so Angels of Hope throughout the US. We have an Angel of Hope in a nearby community that has bricks engraved with with angel names as a memorial. My husband and I purchased a brick with our ‘Angel Baby’s’ name on it as a way to honor and show support for this organization.
& March of Dimes
Amanda ~ mother to Angel