Hannah

Mom to baby lost at 6 weeks August 2007

Benjamin Jason and Naomi Makenzie (twins), lost at 17 weeks
Born sleeping January 2, 2010

Albuquerque, New Mexico

In 2007 I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. It definitely wasn’t planned, but I was immediately very excited from the time I saw those two pink lines! I was on cloud 9 because all I ever wanted was to be a mommy. My boyfriend at the time was living out of town so he decided he would move to where I live and we would get an apartment and start our little family. We started thinking of names for our baby. My boyfriend thought of Doroteo for a little boy, named after his grandfather, who was his main father figure and who he actually called dad rather than grandpa. I agreed that if we have a boy he would be named Doroteo and I decided I liked Imalda for a girl. I started being very cautious of everything I ate, drank, I didn’t lift heavy things, I took my prenatal vitamins every day. I made sure to take care of my baby so I could have a healthy little boy or girl. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/01/4478.html

Hollie

Mom to an Angel

Miscarried through Ectopic Pregnancy on July 8th, 2011

Aurora, Colorado

I would be 15 weeks pregnant today.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.  I keep looking at my belly expecting to feel flutters, but I know that this will not happen. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/09/2986.html

Heather

Mom to Brinley Nicole

Stillborn at 37 weeks on August 18th, 2010

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

 

From the beginning, I was scared of the little life inside of me. I didn’t know what I would do with a baby. I didn’t feel ready yet to be a mother. Of course, I loved little kids, but babies? Babies were a different kind of commitment. They completely rely on you for their comfort of living. It took me 8 months to be ready to have this new baby in my life. I was feeling ready to take care of her for the rest of my life. I looked forward to holding her, dressing her, feeding her, and playing with her. She was going to be a new chapter in my life that I was excited to start writing. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/09/2980.html

Katie
Mom to “Sprout”
Lost on September 22nd, 1993
Columbus, Ohio
I was 18 years old in summer of 1993, soon to be heading away to college on a scholarship. I had broken up with my long-time boyfriend that spring and began dating someone new and fun, a summer fling expected to run its course by autumn.

I somehow knew I was pregnant the day after I conceived. Something felt faintly tingly inside my abdomen and “off” to me, and I remember commenting about it to a coworker at the restaurant where I worked. I tried to put it out of my mind and waited until the first possible cycle day where I could test for pregnancy. I bought a pregnancy test and, optimistically, a box of condoms. I took the test in the store bathroom and shook as I leaned against the stall wall reading the positive result. That evening, I drove to my boyfriend’s house to tell him our news. I was in tears and remember driving past a church with this phrase displayed on its sign: “Hangeth in there.”

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/11/594.html

Julie
Mom to Baby Simpson
June 18th, 2010
Cary, North Carolina

My husband and I were married on March 8, 2003.  We had talked about kids early on, but years passed and I was getting older, and we had just kind of decided on no kids.  We were enjoying our own time so much that time had kind of snuck up on us.  

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/11/565.html

Kathryn
Mom to Nathan Alin
Miscarried August 23rd, 2010 at 6 weeks 5 days
Edmonds, Washington
My name is Kathryn, I am 25 years old and I lost my baby Nathan at 6 weeks, 5 days on August 23, 2010. My pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected. I got pregnant as a result of a one-night stand with someone I barely knew. It was not my proudest moment and I agonized over the fact that my baby would grow up without a dad. But from the beginning I wanted my baby so much. I knew I was pregnant right away. I started dreaming about a little boy. I was so excited to become a mother. My family was not supportive of the pregnancy because I wasn’t married; it was really hard to have everyone receive my good news as bad.


Adding to the stress was the fact that I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to carry to term. My mom and both grandmothers suffered multiple miscarriages and infant losses. I don’t know if it’s genetic or not but I was always afraid it was going to happen to me too. August 23rd was the worst day of my life. I was getting ready to leave for my first doctor’s appointment of the pregnancy when I started feeling bad cramps. I had had some cramping before this but this time I also had a lower backache that wouldn’t go away. I went into the bathroom and saw blood on the tissue. It was bright red. I started hyperventilating and just sank to the floor and rocked back and forth praying that everything was okay. I knew it wasn’t. I eventually got up, called my mother to come with me to the doctor’s and somehow made it out the door. At the doctor’s office I was holding back tears as the nurse took my history. The doctor finally came in and did an exam, she said that it was likely that I was miscarrying but they were going to run a blood test to check my hormone levels. She said she would call me within the next two hours. My mom and I left the doctors and drove home; stopping at the grocery store for some soup and chocolate.  As I was walking back to the car after the store my phone rang. I answered and it was the doctor who told me my hormone levels had dropped, I was miscarrying. I just started crying and crying. My mother drove me home and I laid on the couch, bleeding and crying for the rest of the day.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/10/549.html

Hannah Rose
Mom to Lily Katherine
Stillborn at 40 weeks, 2 days on March 16th, 2010
Raleigh, North Carolina

In that bathroom, I sat all alone, waiting for that little stick to show the two blue lines, indicating that I was pregnant. Even though I knew in my heart I was, the confirmation that those positive blue lines brought made my heart sink. Could this be real? What was I going to do? I couldn’t possibly keep this baby. There was no way. What turned my stomach the most, besides the nausea I was experiencing night and day, was wondering how everyone would react. After all, how careless must someone be to get pregnant out of wedlock? In a family of pro-lifers, it was always easy to agree with these beliefs, never thinking I would be tested by them.
It was much less complicated to think of this as a pregnancy, rather than as a baby. I knew what I had to do – abort the very life growing inside me. Face the consequences of my actions, tell my family what I had done, carry and deliver a baby, have shattered plans for my future, or possibly go through the pain that is sure to come with adoption? No, I simply couldn’t. I was weak and vulnerable. I had no other choice, or so I thought. If I had known the inevitable pain and guilt that would follow, perhaps I would have chosen a different path. Perhaps I would have given my child a chance, extending to him his first inalienable right, his right to life. But, in the midst of my heartache and despair, I regret having to say that’s not the choice I made.

I can’t recall when I set up the appointment with Planned Parenthood. Was it the day I found out I was pregnant? Was it that week? So many of the details of those dark days I have blocked out of my mind. At some point, after my whole world came crashing down on me, from such a tiny blue positive sign, I called Planned Parenthood and it was set. That Friday, February 6, at 8:30 a.m., I was going to have an abortion.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/73.html

Rachel
Mother to Isobel Nixie
Due August 7th, 2001; lost to miscarriage at 9 weeks

Kansas City, KS
Two months shy of my nineteenth birthday, I missed a period. As a freshman at college with few close friends and no mode of transportation, I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. The whole thing was stupid anyway. I was having manic and depressive mood swings coming off of Prozac. I was feeling rejected by a guy so I started fooling around with another guy who was nice and who missed his girlfriend back home. It was just a silly fling to get us over them. None of these are excuses, just factors. Like I said, it was stupid.

Regardless, here I found myself. I had to ask my roommate for a ride to the drugstore so I could buy a pregnancy test. I tried to hide it from her but I’m sure she knew, even though she never said anything about it. I spent what seemed like hours in the “community bathroom” of my dorm floor reading the test instructions, peeing on the stick, and subsequently freaking out – all very quietly, I might add.

After a long night of crying, I started making a plan. I decided not to tell the father. For one thing, neither of us had any intention for our fling to last past the semester. I didn’t really want to be with him, nor he with me. Plus, I didn’t want him to have any say in the pregnancy or the baby’s future. I guess I was selfish, but we were both 18 and neither of us were ready for parenthood.

I started looking at open adoption agencies. I even thought of giving my baby up to a gay or lesbian couple to raise. I knew that I couldn’t provide for a child as well as a family could. I also knew that although I support the right for a woman to choose, I personally could not get an abortion because the whole procedure terrified me. I was going to have the baby. The problem was how to hide the pregnancy from my family.

By the time Christmas break arrived, I was going crazy trying to figure everything out and keep it all a secret. I truly had no one I thought I could turn to with this kind of information. I was so scared and worried about how my parents would react if they found out. I really don’t remember how I acted those weeks at home, but I vividly remember one night.

I was crying in bed after everyone else had gone to sleep thinking about what I was going to do. I finally broke down and prayed to God and told him that I just couldn’t handle this. I said I was lost and I needed help. The next day, my stomach hurt just a little. A few days after that, I started bleeding.

At first, I thought it was nothing, but after a day I started to worry. I read about ectopic pregnancies where the fetus attaches itself outside of the uterus and as it grows it could kill the woman. That had me really worried so I finally broke down and decided to talk to someone. I chose my preacher’s wife because I knew she was very young when she had her first child. I was so afraid to tell her because it would be admitting that I had done something wrong. However, I really had no choice.

We talked for about 2 hours before I told her the reason for my visit. She didn’t criticize or lecture or anything. For that I was relieved. She called a few people she knew with medical backgrounds and asked their recommendations. They suggested a visit to the hospital and so we went.

Once in the ER, time seemed to stand still. We waited to be called. We waited for a nurse. We waited for a doctor. We waited for a sonogram. We waited for results. It could have been days for all I knew. I remember when they did the sonogram and how I really wanted to see my baby, but was too shy to ask. I wish I had. I think that would have made it feel like a real baby instead of just some medical problem. They kept asking me how far along I was and if I was sure. I knew then that something was wrong.

The whole thing was very impersonal. It felt like they were all shaming me for what I had done. No one spoke to me like I was an expectant mother. They talked to me like I was a stupid child who had gone and screwed everything up. No one tried to reassure me that it would be okay. They acted like I was inconveniencing them. No one really acknowledged that there was a life involved, including mine.

The results finally came back. I was supposed to be 9 weeks along, but the baby measured at 7 weeks. The baby was at least two weeks too small and had no detectable heartbeat. They ruled it a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) and said to go home and just let it pass. If I kept bleeding for more than 2 weeks, I was to return for a D&C to clear everything out. Then we left.

That was it. It was over. Immediately, I felt better. I could breathe again. I could think again. I could smile again. Even the pain seemed to go away as soon as we left the hospital. I just had to tell my parents. I felt like I could now because it was over and there was nothing that they could do or say to make it worse.

I was nervous and I could barely get the words out through my tears but I told them the bare details: that I was pregnant, but the hospital said there was no heartbeat and that the pregnancy would end on its own. My mom cried. My dad only asked if there was anything that could be done to save the baby and I told him no.

As far as the physical end of the pregnancy goes, I continued bleeding and having cramps, but took some prescription medicine to ease the pain. It felt like a normal period. One day I passed what felt like a clump of something. I went to change my pad and there it was – my dead baby. It was just a round, gelatinous clump of bloody tissue about half the size of my fist. I wanted to look at it, but I was repulsed. I flushed it like a goldfish. I wasn’t ready to admit it was my baby.

After it was over, I was so thankful that I didn’t have to go through everything and could maintain a normal life. I went back to school as if nothing had happened. I did tell the father that I had been pregnant and miscarried. All he said was “good”. We didn’t really talk much after that. I decided that there was nothing more to the story and never thought I would really care. At the time, I was still so self-absorbed that it didn’t really occur to me that I was rejoicing at the death of a baby.

It was months before I really thought about it again. It was approaching the due date and I started to think of the baby that wasn’t anymore. At first it was more like research. I wanted to see how far along I’d be and what the baby would look like. Then I started looking for information on miscarriages and the causes. Turns out there’s not much. Most miscarriages have no known cause. Some pregnancies just end. I started worrying that whatever the cause, it might affect me in the future and maybe I’d never have children. I still think about that.

Most of the stuff I found on miscarriages had to do with couples trying to have a baby. Very little had anything to do with teenagers and I found nothing on the loss of an unwanted child. I guess they figure that if it’s unwanted, the only thing to feel is relief at the loss. And I did, but then I didn’t. It became a child – a child with my DNA.

I decided that I should honor my baby and not just forget. I began by choosing a name: Isobel Nixie. Isobel means consecrated to God and Nixie means spirit. In essence, I named her for her death, though I picked the name before looking up the meaning. I also decided to give her a permanent presence in the form of a tattoo. The tattoo is her initials (INW) placed on top of each other to form a square with lines in the middle. It’s located on the inside of my hip, the relative position of her entire life.

I did all kinds of internet research on pregnancy, miscarriage, child birth, child development and all sorts of related topics. It was then that I discovered that there wasn’t much for people like me. I hadn’t wanted a child. I didn’t plan the pregnancy. But I was still feeling things for this baby. I constantly thought about how old my girl would be and how my life would be different with her.

That was almost 10 years ago. I still wonder about what my daughter would be like now. I still wonder if I’ll be able to have kids, should I decide to. My biggest fear is that she was my only chance to be a parent, and I blew it by praying for her to go away. There’s nothing like thinking you killed your baby. I know I didn’t do anything physically, but I still wonder if I didn’t kill her by not loving her from the beginning.

I know my story is different from many of the others, but I feel like I need to put it out there for the other women who may end up in the same position I did. Just because it wasn’t planned and it took me longer to come to terms with it, doesn’t mean I didn’t love my baby and doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. It’s so nice to see that there is more support out there now than back then.
You can contact Rachel at raevynfyre@yahoo.com

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/17.html

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