Mom to Gabriella Cadena
July 1, 2016
Las Cruces, New Mexico
You never truly know how precious life is until a horrible tragedy happen before your eyes.
June 30, 2016. Thursday afternoon was a normal day. I ran errands with my son and did everything I normally do. Thursday morning while still in bed, I felt my baby girl move around and kick me. That afternoon was a normal routine prenatal checkup. I was 22 weeks along. I was so excited but also fearful to go in and hear the heartbeat because no parent wants anything to go wrong. I went in for my appointment with the intentions of leaving with a healthy baby girl, and a strong heartbeat. This moment changed my life completely. I was so heartbroken. I was in shock. I was numb.
My OB and I started off with the simple routine questions. The measurements of Gabriella and the part I dread but yet can’t wait for…hearing her heartbeat. My OB couldn’t find her heartbeat. At any other appointment it was so easy and quick to find her heart. But this time was different. It took longer than expected and I knew something was wrong. As I looked at her face I could tell something was wrong and she looked worried. She then rolled in the ultrasound monitor to see if she could get the heartbeat on the machine. She couldn’t. She told me she was going to get the head OB to help her. At that point I was so confused and freaked out. I was shaking and so scared. I didn’t know what to think. I began crying and praying. Praying it was just a glitch and she was just being stubborn. The doctor came in and began another ultrasound. It took him 10 minutes (which felt like a lifetime) because he wanted to make sure what they were saying and seeing was accurate. He started explaining to me what he found on the screen. He stated she had a lot of fluid and swelling around her head. He confirmed she had passed. By far the WORST feeling I have ever felt.
My husband had stayed home with our son while I went to my appointment because again, who would think anything like this would happen? I immediately called my husband hysterically crying telling him everything that happened. My doctor went over some options with me. He told me to go home and discuss with my husband what we wanted to do. We could either wait and let my body go into labor itself or be admitted that day and induced. I couldn’t hold off any longer, I had to be admitted and induced. I went straight home after my appointment and as soon as I walked through the door, my husband was there, I broke down. We were so devastated. We were told to go back to the hospital in 1 hour. We went in and as I was pushed in a wheelchair up to labor and delivery, I was so frustrated and angry that this was actually happening. All I could think about was why was this happening to us? What did we do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong with taking care of myself? Everything was running through my head. As they wheeled me upstairs, they pushed me to my room, passing all the beautiful newborn baby pictures on the walls, made me feel even worse thinking I’ll never be able to hold our baby girl that way.