Mom to Victoria
December 6, 2016
Mom to Victoria
December 6, 2016
Mom to Finn Liam
January 24, 2016
Two years after we initially started trying, we wondered if we would ever be able to have a second child. In June 2015, we went on vacation to the Smoky mountains and visited Dollywood. After riding a triple inversion roller coaster, I felt very off, which was unusual for me because I usually handle roller coasters very well. The next day I took a test and was thrilled to see two lines — I was finally pregnant with our second child! My pregnancy progressed smoothly and uneventfully, and our 18-week sonogram revealed a healthy baby who danced his little legs around and showed off for us. We learned our baby was a boy. Over the next few months, we painted his room and re-assembled the crib. As his due date of February 27th drew closer, I unpacked the baby gear and folded the newborn clothes neatly in his closet, including a couple of “Little Brother” sleepers I had picked out just for him. I packed a hospital bag with a newborn-sized coming home outfit. I unpacked and washed the infant car seat and ordered diapers online. We were so ready and excited to meet our baby!
On the morning of January 23rd, I didn’t wake up until it was almost time to leave for my hair appointment. I was exhausted as I had been fighting a cold and sinus infection all week. It didn’t seem like my baby had been very active that morning, but then again I hadn’t been awake very long and thought I might have just missed his activity. He was usually most active at night around bedtime. I had an anterior placenta, so it was often difficult to notice his movements unless I was paying attention. I didn’t feel him as distinctly as I had with my first child, Jaxton.
After my hair appointment, I still wasn’t feeling much, so I went home determined to monitor his movements. At home I glided the home doppler over my belly. Immediately, the sound of his strong heartbeat met my ears and I relaxed a bit. Maybe he was just having a slow day or in a different position than usual. Lying on my side in bed, I attempted to count his movements. I tried shaking my belly to get a reaction. I was getting barely anything. I decided to go eat and drink some sugary juice to see if that would perk him up. As I ate, I noticed his feet were poking out in their usual spot at the top of my belly. We often played a game in which he would poke out his feet and I would push back in on them and he would react by pushing back or moving them. On that night, his feet seemed to be pressing out with more force and they remained that way despite me pushing on them.
At that point, I was getting really worried. I checked the doppler again and his heart still sounded strong. I sat in a chair with my 3 year old son Jaxton on my lap while he was watching YouTube videos. In retrospect he should have been in bed, but I was too worried about the situation at hand to go through our bedtime routine. Usually when Jaxton would sit on my lap and lean against my belly, the baby would squirm or kick in response. My husband Phillip and I always joked it was sibling rivalry starting early. That night, there were no kicks or squirms. I thought I felt a shifting inside of me. I grabbed my doppler, hurriedly rubbed coconut oil on my belly to help it glide, and listened again. Nothing but the sounds of my own body met my ears. At that moment, I truly understood the meaning of deafening silence. My heart raced as I searched and searched, hoping and praying that he was just hiding or that my doppler wasn’t working correctly. I frantically told Phillip we needed to go to the hospital right away. We grabbed our coats, bundled up our son, and rushed out the door. I didn’t say a word the whole way there; I just prayed to God to please let my baby be ok.
Mom to Iris Jayne
East Yorkshire, England
June 1, 2016
On June the 1st my only daughter, my second child was stillborn. Before, this my life was easy; nothing bad happened to me. I’d heard about stillbirth, but it wouldn’t happen to me. I was naive and pregnancy was innocent. It happened to the girl down the street, a friend of a friend, someone you knew of but never spoke to. Then on the 31st of May 7, hours after my ‘perfect’ 40 week appointment, I was in a hospital room being told my baby girl had died. I was now that girl. I was a part of the club no one wants to be a part of, the mother of a child that didn’t make it, a child that died. I remember thinking over and over, “this doesn’t happen to me, it’s a nightmare. I’ll wake up.” It wasn’t, my life had changed in 7 hours. I’d gone from the top of the world to the bottom of the ocean. I was drowning.
Nothing feels real when you are told your baby is dead. There’s no heart beat, nothing. A still frame on the ultrasound. This doesn’t happen to me, they must be wrong, I kept holding that. I was given a pill and sent home, they told me to go back when labour had started. I didn’t cry, it didn’t sink in. I was home with my baby in my tummy. If she was gone, why would they leave me like this. It wasn’t until the contractions started that I knew it was happening, the tears started. I would have to give birth to a baby I’d never take home and never see again. This was all we were going to have, And it was the least I could do for her.
I didn’t know whether I wanted to see and hold her straight away, not because I didn’t want her, but because I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect. But it all changed when she was about to be born.
Before I made my last push, the last moment of carrying her inside me, I begged them to give her straight to me, the mother’s instinct took over and I needed her. She was mine, my baby, my daughter and I loved her no matter what. Iris Jayne was born sleeping at 18:01 pm weighing 8lb 14 1/2 oz on the 1/6/2016, her due date. She was beautiful and perfect. She looked just like her big brother and had his head full of hair except hers was a little lighter. Nothing was wrong with her. A true knot in the cord was the cause of death. We spent that night and the whole next day with her, just me, my partner and Iris. People came to see her and to say goodbye, then we had to do the same.
No midnight feeds, no baby smell, no crying or teething, no first day of school, no university, no wedding. No living daughter. My family has a hole that will never by filled. Life isn’t easy, it’s hard. I’m not the same, I’ll never be the same. Its not a nightmare, it’s real and it happened.
You can email Catherine at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Mom to Mason
Liverpool, United Kingdom
March 16, 2015
I can’t even begin to describe the feeling I had when seeing my “positive” pregnancy test.
I was living with my parents at the time so immediately called for my Mum who was completely over the moon. I then took a picture of the test and sent it to my boyfriend who was in work at the time. He came to me as soon as he could. We were both incredibly excited and decided to go to the doctor so the pregnancy could be officially confirmed.
We arranged an appointment for that day. After taking another test at the GP surgery we were told that the results were negative and it just wasn’t our time. We were gutted, the excitement taken away from us so quickly. It’s surreal how a faulty pregnancy test can make you feel, missing something that you never actually had. Fortunately for us my doctor had made a mistake and around twenty positive tests later and an ultrasound, there he was, a little blur on a scan picture, my little blur, my Mason.
Mom to Gabriella Cadena
July 1, 2016
Las Cruces, New Mexico
You never truly know how precious life is until a horrible tragedy happen before your eyes.
June 30, 2016. Thursday afternoon was a normal day. I ran errands with my son and did everything I normally do. Thursday morning while still in bed, I felt my baby girl move around and kick me. That afternoon was a normal routine prenatal checkup. I was 22 weeks along. I was so excited but also fearful to go in and hear the heartbeat because no parent wants anything to go wrong. I went in for my appointment with the intentions of leaving with a healthy baby girl, and a strong heartbeat. This moment changed my life completely. I was so heartbroken. I was in shock. I was numb.
My OB and I started off with the simple routine questions. The measurements of Gabriella and the part I dread but yet can’t wait for…hearing her heartbeat. My OB couldn’t find her heartbeat. At any other appointment it was so easy and quick to find her heart. But this time was different. It took longer than expected and I knew something was wrong. As I looked at her face I could tell something was wrong and she looked worried. She then rolled in the ultrasound monitor to see if she could get the heartbeat on the machine. She couldn’t. She told me she was going to get the head OB to help her. At that point I was so confused and freaked out. I was shaking and so scared. I didn’t know what to think. I began crying and praying. Praying it was just a glitch and she was just being stubborn. The doctor came in and began another ultrasound. It took him 10 minutes (which felt like a lifetime) because he wanted to make sure what they were saying and seeing was accurate. He started explaining to me what he found on the screen. He stated she had a lot of fluid and swelling around her head. He confirmed she had passed. By far the WORST feeling I have ever felt.
My husband had stayed home with our son while I went to my appointment because again, who would think anything like this would happen? I immediately called my husband hysterically crying telling him everything that happened. My doctor went over some options with me. He told me to go home and discuss with my husband what we wanted to do. We could either wait and let my body go into labor itself or be admitted that day and induced. I couldn’t hold off any longer, I had to be admitted and induced. I went straight home after my appointment and as soon as I walked through the door, my husband was there, I broke down. We were so devastated. We were told to go back to the hospital in 1 hour. We went in and as I was pushed in a wheelchair up to labor and delivery, I was so frustrated and angry that this was actually happening. All I could think about was why was this happening to us? What did we do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong with taking care of myself? Everything was running through my head. As they wheeled me upstairs, they pushed me to my room, passing all the beautiful newborn baby pictures on the walls, made me feel even worse thinking I’ll never be able to hold our baby girl that way.
Mom to Aiden Nevin
July 24, 2015
I am the mother of an angel, an angel named Aiden. Here is my story.
Aiden was my second pregnancy. My husband and I were already parents to our precious 4-year-old boy. While surprised by Aiden’s upcoming arrival, we weren’t any less excited. Our family was growing just as we always thought it would. I can still remember after all of those initial doctor appointments, I was still in such disbelief. My pregnancy progressed in textbook fashion, just as it did during my first, so what did we have to worry about? Our 4-year-old was beginning to blossom into a wonderful brother-to-be and my husband and I were watching days and weeks pass us by until Aiden would make his entrance into this world.
At 38 weeks pregnant, I started back to work after a small summer break when one day I noticed that Aiden wasn’t being his fiery self. His name literally means “little fire” or “fiery one.” Thoughts crossed my mind, but faded quickly. I went on throughout that evening with a small tinge of worry, but just tried my best to brush it off. When I awoke the next morning to get ready for work, I went on with my normal routine, but had still noticed that Aiden wasn’t moving about. I immediately called my doctor’s office and they told me to head up to Labor and Delivery just to get checked out. I awoke my husband and after getting our son off to family, we headed to the hospital. While that car ride was entirely silent, I still really had no sense of worry. When I arrived to Labor and Delivery, a nurse immediately set me up in a room and hooked me up to a monitor. She started searching for the “whoosh whoosh whoosh” sound that all moms know all too well and I would say “That’s him, right?” She would say “I think I’m just getting you.” Panic had settled in by now. I silently started praying and kept repeating the word “No” to myself. She then proceeded to say that she would have to go and get an ultrasound machine just to be sure. Any loss mom knows this procedure all too well. Another nurse came in and completed the ultrasound. She did say that of course they wouldn’t be able to tell us anything until a doctor was able to read the ultrasound, but I knew just from that ultrasound that he was gone; our Aiden was gone. No movement at all on that monitor; he was still. A short time later, a young doctor that I had never met before came in wearing a long white lab coat and had confirmed what I already knew. There was no heartbeat, Aiden was gone.
At this point, they discussed all my options with me and my family. Options that would have never crossed my mind before and they proceeded to induce me into labor. We started alerting family and close friends with phone calls and messages. You could hear the tears in their voices and in their words. Family started pouring in throughout the rest of that afternoon and evening. I was just so numb; no feelings and hardly any words. My body was shivering; shivering in July. I now know that my body was in shock. I had chosen to stop the induction process for the night and we would proceed with everything the next morning at a time of my choosing. While tossing and turning all night, I awoke semi-refreshed and then doom and dread immediately lingered over me. I didn’t want this process to last all day or even days. I prayed to God and Aiden too that they would see me through this process and start me on a path of grieving and healing. After only a few hours of active labor and a few pushes, my little angel had arrived. He was so angelic, so perfect. What could have happened? My wonderful primary care doctor took the time to come and talk with my family the day before and had explained that things can and do happen at this stage of pregnancy. Soon after he was born, one of the doctors had explained that he did have a significant blood clot in his umbilical cord. We did elect to have an autopsy completed prior to his funeral arrangements. After he was born, I got to hold him and so did my husband. I took my time kissing him as much as I could. Family came pouring in soon after and said their “Hello’s” and “Goodbyes” all at once. We were told that he could stay in our room for as long as we would like, but soon afterwards, after being placed in the warmer for pictures, his looks were changing so much already that I didn’t want to remember him like that. So, I kissed him one last time and said my final goodbye.
In the coming days and weeks, we were beyond blessed with the support of family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, etc. as we laid Aiden to rest. After a few months awaiting his autopsy results and being referred to a high-risk obstetrician, it has been discovered that I have a blood clotting condition known as Antiphospholipid Coagulation Syndrome, APS for short which lead to Aiden’s demise.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Aiden and the little person he would be becoming. I feel as though I am a shattered piece of pottery; carefully glued back together, but still missing a few shards. Time and a great support system have healed some wounds, but the entire universe could never heal them all. He was, is, and always will be my angel.
Mommy forever misses you Aiden Nevin. Until we meet again and spend all eternity in heaven together; sending you many X’s and O’s, X’s and O’s.
Mom to Angel Baby & Connelly Harding
2013 and February 15, 2016
Dear Connelly Harding,
My sweet, sweet boy. This is your story. Some of the details are left out; some are tucked away in my private journal, some we do not know yet. Even though you never took a breathe in this world, your impact continues to live on. I receive messages a few times a week of people your name has reached. Your life may have ended, but your story will continue on. [Read more…]
Mom to Ollie
July 25, 2015
Grantham, New Hampshire
We are a baby loss family. Our son was born, he was beautiful, and we left the hospital alone and with the most empty feeling imaginable. Our world was turned upside down, and we were left to continue moving forward, and define our new normal. Our family will forever be incomplete. Ollie’s physical presence will always be missing, but he will always remain our very much loved, oldest child. We’ll miss him on holidays, during family events, in family pictures, on Mother’s Day, on Father’s Day, and especially on July 25. We’ll always miss him as our baby, and we’ll also miss him as the age that he would have been. We’ll wonder what his personality would have been like, what his interests would have been, and what he would have looked like as he grew up. [Read more…]
Mom to Amari
February 14, 2016
2015 was an amazing year. I was just into my 2nd month of a new IT consulting career, something I had been thinking about for years and my husband (fiancé at the time), was deep into his new job that ended our long distance relationship AND it was a coaching job at our alma mater (we both met there and we also did track and field so it was an extra special job). And the best part of it all, we were to be married that summer! July 10th, 2015 was a beautiful sunny summer day and we exchanged vows in front of our nearest and dearest. Then it was off to party party party on our Cancun honeymoon before the best was to begin! [Read more…]
Mom to Mason Scott
Born Sleeping May 5, 2016
ASK ME ABOUT MY SON!
I want to talk about him! Honestly! I want to tell the world how he was so active that I was sure he was practicing dribbling a soccer ball. I want to talk about the times when my husband put his face close to my stomach and talked to our son and got punched in the face. I can imagine him, being a volleyball player, thinking “good spike, son!”. Those are the stories I enjoy sharing but I know that isn’t the story everyone is wondering about.
Mom to Meredith
April 29, 2016
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. -Psalm 39:7
We buried our baby on her due date. We found out our sweet baby Meredith’s heart stopped beating on April 28th. One week before – she had a strong heartbeat, my belly was growing. Two weeks before, I had a non-stress test and she was healthy and reactive. Three weeks before, she was perfect on our last ultrasound – 47th percentile in growth – what a perfect baby. Six pounds already. In the next three weeks she gained almost two more pounds and was moving like crazy. Yes, she had quiet moments during the day, but I never felt her stop. I never felt her die. I was 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant. There is no fetal heartbeat. Sometimes this just happens. Your baby is beautiful – perfect. Except she is dead. 7 lbs, 12 ounces, 21 inches. Much bigger than her big brother Cameron when he was born. I prayed throughout my pregnancy that my girl would have a head of dark hair, like me. And she did. Maybe I should’ve prayed more for her health…how dare I take that for granted. There was not a time during my pregnancy that I doubted she would be born healthy and alive. How dare I be so bold. I already had one healthy pregnancy and one perfect child – why would this be any different? [Read more…]
Mom to Jensen Grey
April 5, 2016
One word can change two people’s lives forever. What better way for a mother-to-be to spend her birthday than knowing in nine short months she would have her bundle of joy. As soon as this baby’s parents found out, they were overjoyed of course and quickly agreed to a baby boy’s name: Jensen Grey. The baby’s mom knew the baby was a boy before the doctor even told them. They dreamed of holding him, kissing him, and watching him grow. Their dreams for their perfect family had already began to unfold. [Read more…]
Mom to Lena Beth
January 10, 2016
My husband and I were so happy to welcome our first son in June 2012. He has brought much joy and laughter to our lives. When it came time for trying for another baby, we considered a three year age difference, but we were in the process of moving and it didn’t feel right. A year later the timing was right and I got pregnant right away in July 2015. Three days after taking a positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding. It was considered a chemical pregnancy since I was 4.5 weeks along, so I never needed a D&C and only had to get blood work to confirm I was actually pregnant and then not pregnant anymore. I remember feeling angry about having blood work taken three times over the course of two weeks. I knew for a fact I was not pregnant anymore but my doctor insisted on coming in for the third time. I wanted it to be over and to just move on. [Read more…]
Mom to Austen Elizabeth
November 11, 2015
My pregnancy was not perfect by any means – but, I knew the whole time, it would be worth it in the end. Every time I complained about being tired, uncomfortable or how I didn’t have anything that fit, somebody was always there to remind me how it would all be worth it in the end.
My husband and I had been married for about a year and a half when we decided we would stop not trying to get pregnant. We had been through the rough first year of marriage, came through closer and happier and we decided that we’d let the universe take over and see what happened. My very first cycle, BAM, pregnant. And before I could even wrap my head around that, I started to bleed. I’m not sure you can even call that being pregnant, because the stick was barely dry before I began to miscarry.
We didn’t let that get us down, and the very next cycle, again, I peed on a stick and it was positive. I was in shock, to say the least. I had read so many stories about how it sometimes takes couples months of trying to conceive before it happens and with what had happened only the previous month, I was a little apprehensive, but thrilled at the same time.
Mom to Kristian
December 16, 2015
Rocky Point, New York
I am the face of stillbirth. I am April. I’m 23 years old and a mother of a beautiful daughter Areanna and my sleeping handsome son Kristian, who was too beautiful for earth.
Here is my story: Expecting for the second time was so exciting for my boyfriend and I; when we found out we were going to have a boy we couldn’t have been any happier. My pregnancy was well, no issues but one; my cervix was shortening so I was on bedrest. All my boyfriend would talk about was his son and how he couldn’t wait for his arrival. [There was] so much he wanted to teach him and tell him (since his father was never around) Then December 16, 2015 came the date for my scheduled c-section. [Read more…]
Mom to Ethan Francis
December 3, 2015
Randburg, South Africa
It was a Sunday afternoon when my husband got me out of bed to go for a check-up; I was in bed since Thursday. I thought I was coming down with the flu so I decided to go see our GP. With all the symptoms I had, he suggested a urine test which came back positive for pregnancy. We were 6 weeks and 5 days. It was unexpected but we were very happy and made an appointment with our OBGYN to confirm.
Mom to Sawyer Lee
November 5, 2015
My name is Sam Bode, and November 5th is the date that will forever bring tears to my eyes and an ache in my chest. I’ll start at the beginning… August 6, 2015 was the happiest day of my life. My “nugget” was a girl, a perfectly healthy growing baby girl, Sawyer Lee Anderson. What could be better? We were halfway through our pregnancy and so excited, so were our family and friends. [Read more…]
Mom to Lillian Grace
Stillborn May 29, 2015
St. Louis, Missouri
Thursday, May 28, 2015 was an ordinary day. I took my 3 year old son to preschool. I went to work. Since I ended up getting out of work early and still had some time before my prenatal appointment at 3:30pm, I went to Target. I bought pacifiers and diapers. I remember another mom in the sunscreen aisle asked how far along I was. “35 weeks! Almost there!” Little did I know… [Read more…]