Eva

Mom to Brianna

Born and died July 8, 2010

Toa Baja, Puerto Rico

I discovered I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2009.  I saw a very faint second line on the pregnancy test.  I then confirmed it on Christmas Day.  It was the best gift ever.  Having had a blighted ovum two years before, I considered her my rainbow baby and we were happy to have been blessed again.

I always wanted to have a girl.  Really wanted a girl.  With my first pregnancy I had a boy.  A wonderful, magnificent, perfect little boy without whom I couldn’t imagine my days.   And this being my last child, I definitely wanted a girl.  From the beginning, I felt the baby was a girl.  Mother’s instinct, I guess.  We officially found out she was indeed a girl on March 26, 2010.  I was soooo happy.  It was amazing.  I couldn’t believe God was blessing me not only with my beloved boy, but with the girl I always wanted.  Life was good. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/07/5687.html

Chelsea Wallis

Mom to Lainey Grace 

Stillborn on October 29th 2010

Mom to Evelyn Juliet

Stillborn August 11th, 2011

Buford, GA

The Birthstory of Eveyln Juliet

 

I have been wanting to write this for a long time. But as I’m sure some of you may know, writing the birth story of an Angel can be quite the task. So many things you want to say and express. So much you want people to feel and understand. All needing to be wrapped into a pretty box of words tied with love. I’ll do my best to make this birth story worthy of an angel. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/09/3017.html

Kasey

Mommy to Brandon Thomas

Stillborn on December 29th, 1997

Bowling Green, KY

At 18 years old, I found out I was pregnant. I was a month out of high school and supposed to start college in the fall. My pregnancy went forward like something out of a textbook: very healthy, no complications. I gained an acceptable amount of weight. I was four days overdue and had to be induced because my amniotic fluid started leaking. The delivery of my 1st child was completely normal. The only thing that was surprising was my son’s weight – he weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 6.5 oz and was 23.5 inches long! His blood sugar and temp were low at birth, but after a few hours he was fine. My midwife told me that I “was born to have babies.” [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/09/2938.html

Audra 
 
Mom to Nolan Michael

December 19, 2009 – February 08,2010

It was April of 2009. And I just knew it. I KNEW that I was pregnant. HOWEVER, I just got a new job and we just moved into a house. Talk about bad timing, right? Anyway, I decided to confirm it in the bathroom at work on a Monday morning for whatever reason…
 
Shocked that it was really, real and thrilled, I called my husband while he was at work to tell him the news. We were going to have our 2nd child. The next nine months went without a hitch. We were going to be the parents of another healthy little boy. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/08/2871.html

 

Cass

Mom to Our Bub

Miscarried on July 13th, 2011

Queensland, Australia

My husband and I got married in early October 2008. We always spoke about children, but it wasn’t until New Years Eve in 2010 we decided that 2011 was going to our year to create our own little family. So I went off the pill in early January 2011. After going off the pill I had been on for around 10 years, my cycles were all over the place. I then got reading books and reading about charting my temperature as well as using ovulation kits to work out when I was ovulating and when my period was about to arrive. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/08/2860.html

 

 

Amanda

Mom to Aubre Lynn and Colton Scott

Miscarried June 23rd, 2011 and June 24th, 2011

Washington/Prosperity, Pennsylvania

Where to start? Well, my husband (Scott) and I tried for 3 years to conceive on our own. Finally, we went and saw a fertility specialist. Long story short we conceived on our 1st try! We both were very excited. My fertility Dr. told me with what my blood count was at he was thinking it was multiples. We ended up conceiving twins. We both were very excited;  matter of fact our whole family was excited. I was doing great, feeling great and all of the ultrasounds were great. We had an ultrasound on June 22nd, 2011 (I was 18 weeks 1 day). Both babies were very active and moving around a lot. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/08/2832.html

Jennifer

Mom to Jason

May 5, 2008

Metro Atlanta, GA

 

My name is Jennifer, and boy am I terrible at pregnancy. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/07/2647.html

Jaime
Miscarriage at 5 weeks, June 2000
Miscarriage at 5 weeks, June 2009
Mom to Sydney Alexis, born at 20 weeks on February 10th, 2009
Fenton, MO

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/301.html

Adriana
Mom to Sophia Alexis Davies
Stillborn on March 27th, 2008
St. Petersburg, FL
In 2008 my husband Justin and I had been expecting our first baby, a girl that we named Sophia. My whole pregnancy had been semi-tough, I was diagnosed with diabetes 7 months into my pregnancy, had some minor blood pressure issues and low platelets. The new diet and activity schedule I was placed on was difficult to get used to but I managed to stick to it and still enjoy every new thing happening with my body.

Even though I had those issues, everything was still going OK when it came to her health. When we went for our level 2 ultrasound they said her heart was working just fine, all her major organs were developing correctly and she was always right on track except for her weight since the diagnoses of diabetes has been late. Even in the womb she had personality; for instance, she hated ultrasounds! She was always shying away when the Drs wanted to look at her. I remember one incident when I had an ultrasound to look at fluid levels that when the tech tried to look at the flow of her umbilical cord, she reached up, grabbed it and rolled around so they couldn’t see her. Even the tech couldn’t believe her eyes! Our little girl had attitude!!

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/204.html

Alison
Mom to Moira Mae
May 8th, 2009-May 11th, 2009
West Brookfield, MA
This is the story of Moira Mae, born May 8, 2009 and left this Earth as a beautiful angel on May 11, 2009. Moira was a much longed for miracle baby that was loved before she was even conceived. 
In late March, early April of 2008 we started the appointments with the fertility doctor. It had been a long year of trying to conceive with month after month of negative home pregnancy tests. Now we had some hope on the horizon for starting our family that we had wanted for so long. Finally in June we started our first round of Clomid and IUI’s (Inter Uterine Insemination). By Labor Day weekend, after 3 rounds of back to back treatments, we found out we were expecting our miracle baby who would be due May 6, 2009! 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/201.html

Jamie
Mom to Angel Baby
September 10th, 2008
Goose Creek, SC
My husband and I were best friends all through high school. We were married in Jan 2008 and our son Robbie attended our wedding. Soon after we bought our first house, got a family dog, and I quit working to be a stay at home mommy. We decided it was the perfect time to bring another blessing into our family. The beginning of May I started feeling sick ALL the time. I thought I could be pregnant but was afraid to be disappointed again. So I waited but not long. On Thursday May 5 2008 hubby and I bought 2pk pregnancy test. We were so excited. I couldn’t even look at the test, I made hubs do it. And when he told me we were pregnant I didn’t believe him. We called all our family/friends and I even got a doctors appointment for the following Thursday. We were so happy and excited.


The next Monday I started cramping and bleeding. We knew what was happening, but we called the doctor and they sent us to the hospital to get blood work done. To see what was going on. We had to wait till the next day for the results. I wish I could say that I was strong and kept it together for my son and my husband but I cant. I was swallowed my own sadness. How could my body let this happen? WHY did this happen to us? Mostly i was mad at God, how could he let something like this happen?

Tuesday my best friend went into labor and I was suppose to be with her. She knew what was going on with our pregnancy and told me it was ok if I couldn’t come. But I was in the hospital all day waiting for my god daughter to arrive. After continuously rubbing her back and helping her through the contractions, Miss Mia Ro was born. I was so happy for my BF. And Mia was just beautiful. I think the hardest part was holding Mia and knowing that I was never going to hold my baby or give him/her kisses.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/08/163.html

Michele
Mom to Nicholas, February 1st, 2008, lived for one hour
Sophia, February 16th, 2008, lived for five minutes
and Alexander, November 23rd, 2009, lived for five minutes
Harleysville, PA

After nearly a decade of infertility, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and treated with ovulatory drugs to facilitate getting pregnant. On our first medicated cycle, we conceived our twins, Nicholas and Sophia. My pregnancy was textbook; and, joys of all joys, we found out we were having a boy and girl at thirteen weeks.
Three weeks later, our world collapsed. After a relaxing day, I was making dinner when I doubled over in pain. Feeling the need to go to the bathroom, I sat down and, almost instantly, delivered my son, Nicholas, into my hand. He was moving, and, as my husband called 911, he reached for his father’s finger, wrapping his tiny hand around as much of his father as he could.

Within moments, the EMTs arrived and did their best, and, at the time, the thought that my sweet little boy could die never crossed my mind. In retrospect, I know that sounds insane, seeing as he weighed a little over an eighth of a pound and was the length of an ink pen. But he was moving and breathing; surely that meant they could save him. The Fire Department Chaplain had heard the call of a woman in premature labor and had responded as well; on that cold, rainy, February night, he collected water in a used coffee cup and baptized my son shortly before we were airlifted to Children’s Hospital.

While in the Medevac, the EMT gave Nicholas an APGAR of 2 and, as we touched down in Philadelphia, 12 minutes later, my son died en route to the emergency room. Laying on the gurney as doctors who were used to working with children tried to stop my labor and stabilize me for transport to the hospital next door, that kind EMT appeared and when I asked, as I had for our entire time together, if my son was alright, I saw a tear roll down his cheek. He closed his eyes and shook his head no, before he touched his forehead to mine. I can still remember my sharp intake of breath… The knowledge that my firstborn son was gone… That my son had died… I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t even begin to catch my breath. The doctors and nurses continued to their work, as I watched a nurse explain to my husband that our son was simply too young to save. She wrapped him in a blanket and I saw Peter clutch that little bundle to his tearstained face.

How? How could this happen? I had had a perfect pregnancy; my scans were outstanding. My cervix was “beautiful” and long. Hadn’t I paid my dues, with a miscarriage early in our marriage followed by 9 years of infertility, and medications to even conceive? I’d followed every recommendation from what not to eat to how to sleep. I never missed a prenatal vitamin or doctor’s appointment. I ate organic food. So why? What happened?

Our OB had no real answers. My pregnancy had been textbook since conception. There were two options; either I simply couldn’t carry more than one baby or my cervix had prematurely dilated for no reason. And then, sometimes, women lost their first second trimester pregnancy just because… and then went on to have perfectly healthy, normal ones. But, he insisted, we would be proactive “the next time” and place a cervical stitch called a cerclage. His specialty was a Shirodkar, which he felt would bring me to viability and beyond.

Three months later, we were blessed with a pregnancy that, heartbreakingly, wasn’t meant to go beyond the first eight weeks. After one missed cycle, we conceived our son, Alexander, and opted to keep our pregnancy a secret until the cerclage was placed. But as our ultrasounds progressed, we were given the news that the risk of miscarriage from the cerclage would be 50% because of how low Alexander had implanted and based on the partial previa of my placenta. Weighing our options, we decided on ultrasounds every 2 weeks and to postpone the cerclage until the risk factors had decreased. At my 16 week ultrasound, things looked good; my placenta was migrating into a more advantageous position and Alexander was playing soccer with whatever internal organs he could find. I finally breathed a sigh of relief; we had crossed the threshold of Nicholas’s birth. We would be alright. I would have the surgery (if it was even needed) and Alexander would be an Easter baby.

Three days after that ultrasound, I was admitted to the hospital for premature dilation. The following day, my water broke. But Alexander was a fighter; it wasn’t until I had a placental abruption two days after my water broke that he had no choice but to enter this world too premature to survive. Having lived through this twice before, we asked the nurses and on-call doctor to leave us alone and to let us birth naturally and together. A priest was called, and he prayed over us. We took our last family nap together. And, a few hours into seventeen weeks, Alexander made his entrance into the world as his sister had, as Peter delivered our second son. He was breach and his feet kicked out first; after three pushes, he arrived in a perfect, peaceful birth. He kicked and his little shoulders moved back and forth as he stretched his limbs. A kind nurse we had called baptized him, and, as they wrapped him in a blanket, his little arms slowed and his muscular legs relaxed. By the time he was placed in my arms, he had drifted off to sleep, never to wake again.

We spent the morning, napping as a family… knowing that we would leave the hospital with a memory box instead of a baby. Peter’s parents came later in the morning to see their youngest grandchild, and our priest drove up after Mass unexpectedly, as our son was being prepared and delicately wrapped for the undertaker. He prayed over him and comforted us in our grief while we prepared to leave the hospital. After a bout with postpartum eclampsia, we planned our second memorial service and prepared to introduce our third child to family and friends, as we asked them to say good-bye.

At my postpartum appointment, we made the decision that, should we get pregnant again, we would place the stitch at 11 weeks, regardless of the risks, and follow it with strict bed rest. In addition, I would take weekly 17-alpha hydroxyprogesterone injections (also known as P-17 shots), to try and prevent a premature rupture of membranes. My doctor was devastated that we had delivered Alexander early and vowed to do whatever he could do to take us beyond 24 weeks in our next pregnancy. We gave him the chance six months later. After a 6-weeks miscarriage, we conceived our second set of boy/girl twins. I resigned from work at ten weeks, and had the stitch placed at 11 weeks. Immediately I went on bed rest, but, at my 20 week ultrasound, fundal pressure caused part of Bobby’s water bag to slip below my cervix which, even with the stitch in place, had dilated to one centimeter. I was admitted to the hospital, placed on inverted bed rest to relieve the pressure from my cervix, and told by the nurses and residents to prepare for another severely premature delivery. And my twins were born premature. But, in addition to being a face of loss, I am also a face of hope; after 7 weeks of hospital bed rest, my 27-week twins were born with a 90% chance of survival and health. They were taken to the NICU, where they spent the first two months of their lives on earth, before coming home without assistance of any kind. Their initial follow-ups showed them in the developmental range of their birth age. At nine months old, our son, Bobby, was 30 inches long and 20 pounds, and our daughter, Maya, was 24 inches long and 15 pounds. Both behaved like full-term 9-month olds. And both continue to bring new days of sunshine into our lives.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/100.html


Kristina
Mom to Jeremy
Stillborn on July 14th, 2009
Cooper City, FL

On February 15, 2009 I found out I was pregnant. I was about to turn 21 in a week and was living away from my family. All through my teenage years I never liked kids and always said I would never have any. Once I found out I was pregnant I changed my mind. On May 15 I went in for my 20 week ultrasound. I found out I was having a boy and that day had decided his name would be Jeremy. At the ultrasound I was told Jeremy had a “soft spot” on his kidneys. The doctor told me it was probably nothing serious and would most likely be cleared up by birth. They went ahead and sent me for a Level 2 ultrasound just to be sure.

In June my husband and I decided it would be best to move back home to live with my parents so we could get some help and have a better place to live. I looked around and found the best doctor in my area and made my 6 month check up with her. She sent me for a follow up on the Level 2 ultrasound just to ease my mind about the “soft spot”.

When I went for the 2nd ultrasound the perinatologist quickly looked over the kidneys said everything was fine and Jeremy looked healthy from the neck down. Then they focused in on his brain and would not give me any answers but I knew something was wrong. He said Jeremy had fluid on his brain and 2 enlarged brain ventricles. The next morning I was being sent for a fetal MRI (that I now regret going to) in Miami. I had set everything up with a lady at the perinatologist office and she told me that all my paperwork and information would be faxed over to the hospital so all I would have to do was show up. Friday morning I get to the hospital for the MRI and they had no idea I was coming in and the doctors office had not sent my information over. I had not eaten because the nurse told me I could not eat and I was waiting around, starving, for my paperwork to get there. The doctors office had sent my medical records to the wrong number. Finally I had my MRI and the doctors doing the scan told me I should have eaten and they never tell patients not to eat for 12 hours before. During the MRI Jeremy was awake and kicking like crazy. I was so nervous and the doctors kept telling me what a happy healthy little boy he was to ease my mind. They sent me home with a cd of pictures of him as well. That afternoon after the MRI I decided to go to my doctors office because I was so dissatisfied with the perinatologist. My doctor wasn’t in but I left a message with the nurse and she was going to get information back to me by Monday about it.

That night I go home exhausted but wasn’t feeling Jeremy kicking. I figured he was tired because of the insane day we were having. The next morning I didn’t get my usual wake up call at 9 am from him either. I thought “Ok, maybe this is normal?” My friend had invited me to go to the pool with her for the afternoon but when I got back I still hadn’t felt Jeremy move. By Sunday morning I was very scared and went to my mom. She didn’t really think I had too much to worry about but said to keep watching and told me to move around and drink lots of water. Monday morning when I didn’t feel him kick we decided it was time to go to Labor and Deliver. I got hooked up to the monitor for about 30 minutes then went down for an ultrasound. The nurses weren’t giving us too much information so we thought everything was ok. The ultrasound tech sent us back up to Labor and Delivery. When we got there the nurse pulled me aside and said “we did not see your baby’s heartbeat we were watching yours”. She brought us back to another room and said to wait there because they were calling my doctor over. After an hour of sitting in a room crying hysterically, no one had called my doctor. My husband went and tracked someone down and with in 5 minutes my doctor was in the room. She set the inducement date for the next morning, 7/14.

Some how we made it through that awful night and went to my doctors office the next morning. She left a note for them to let me in whenever I got there and to have a room open for us. She did another ultrasound just to make sure they were right then admitted me to the hospital. Before they induced, she came in just to see if I had dilated. She told me I was 4 cm already and I was only 27 weeks. She got on the phone with the perinatologist who told her I had started dilating on Thursday, but he never mentioned that to me. The perinatologist had not communicated any of the information to my OB. They started the inducement and epidural at 2 pm that afternoon. By 6 pm she came back to check the dilation, but Jeremy was already out.

Jeremy was born 7/14/2009 at 2 lbs 1 oz and 14 1/2 inches long. At first I was a little scared to see him but I decided I needed to. He was beautiful and looked so peaceful. While I was holding him I kept getting this vibe from him that he wanted me to be happy and not sad about him. The nurses were amazing too. They put his hand and feet prints in his baby book, took pictures for me and gave me this box with his first outfit and a little rattle and pillow they had him hold for the pictures. That box is now one of my most treasured things.

My doctor requested an autopsy on Jeremy that came back normal and blood work from me. At the hospital she saw that I had an incompetent cervix and would need a cerclage in my next pregnancy, but that was not the cause of death. When the blood work came in my OB personally called me and told me that I have a blood clotting disorder called PAI-1 and would need to be on Lovenox for the next pregnancy as well. She thinks that Jeremy had died from a blood clot in the placenta. If she hadn’t pushed for an answer for me I would have never known that.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/45.html

Courtney
Mother to twins, Logan Ryan and Brody McRae, January 31st, 2009;
and rainbow baby Wyatt River, May 31st, 2010
Lansing, MI

The story of Logan Ryan & Brody McRae:

I cannot for the life of me remember the time that anything happened as it was all a blur. I didn’t even know what time it was when I gave birth to the boys. Later on I would find out that Logan was born at 9:06am and Brody at 9:28am. I remember on the 30th, sitting in the Labor and Delivery room feeling somewhat OK. We were waiting on my blood results to see if my levels were going in the right direction. In comes Dr. R, the high risk Dr, and his team of interns. They all had very long faces and some would not look me in the eyes. Dr. R sat down and that is when I knew my life would change forever.
Dr. R in his calm, sensitive, compassionate voice explained to us that my levels are decreasing at a very alarming rate. It was diagnosed as HELLP syndrome. I was on the verge of having a seizure and possibly going into a coma and the only way to prevent this was to deliver the babies. There was no way around it he said. I immediately started sobbing and the next thing I remember was Jason holding me as the Dr’s sat there and watched us cry. Shortly afterwards they left the room and Jason and I just held each other and realized our dreams of raising our babies was going to be over in a matter of hours. In a blink of an eye.

Jason made the call to my Mom and my sister to come to the hospital as soon as possible and was choking back tears in the process as I sat there, holding my stomach, praying silently to a God whom I would soon be angry at to please save my sons life. Not mine. Theirs. This is the first time I have admitted this.

Our family was there in a matter of hours. I was immediately hooked up to an IV of Magnesium Sulfate. The concoction, I would learn would make me feel like death. I was given a shot in my cervix and given suppositories to start dilatation. Jason and my Mom were in the room with me when I was given this stuff. I was scared out of my mind and felt horrible on that magnesium. I remember that they were both on my left side, Jason holding my hand, my Mom holding Jason, both crying and scared themselves. My poor husband. I can’t even explain how it was to see my husband sobbing uncontrollably. It was literally the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. And so we waited for the contractions.
My in-laws went to get a hotel room, my Dad and grandparents all went home to get some rest because the Dr’s said I wouldn’t get contractions probably until the next day. My Mom, sister, and Jason were there with me the entire night. Poor Jason was so exhausted he passed out first. My contractions started. A pain that I have never felt in my life. A pain I should have been feeling much later on. Not at five and 1/2 months.

I do not recall this but at one point in the midst of my contractions, it was just my sister and I. Apparently I looked over at my sister and told her that I was afraid to fall asleep in fear that I would not wake up. She told me a few days later about our conversation and how she stayed up the entire night after that and watched my chest to make sure I was breathing. Be still my heart. My darling little sister was sitting there watching her sister suffer because of the babies in her womb that she herself helped create. My sister would later have terrible nightmares because of everything that happened that day.

The next morning. My contractions are getting closer together. I maybe had 4 hours of sleep. I remember I was laying on my right side, someone was rubbing my back because I was having terrible back labor. Then it happened. I felt a pop. My water broke. I knew it was going to be over soon. I almost didn’t want to even tell anyone so that I could just have a few more minutes with my sons alive and inside of me.

Everything from this point on was such a hectic blur. People frantically moving around me. Tons of Drs and nurses coming in and out. Finally my legs were propped in the stirrups, my dear Jason on my left side and my Mom on my right side. It was time to push. I cannot even tell you how long I pushed I was so out of it. I remember feeling every little bit of my labor even though I was hooked up to a morphine pump. The Dr kept telling me to push the button to administer more pain meds into my system. I didn’t want to. The least I could do was feel the pain. I did. I do not regret it, not for a minute. I felt him coming down the birth canal. I felt him come out. My little Logan. My nurse cleaned him off and dressed him and I got to hold him. I kissed his sweet little forehead and it was oh so warm with life. He then went into his grandmother’s arms where, two hours later, he would pass away peacefully. It was then time for me to focus on getting Brody out. Again, I felt every little bit of him coming out and honestly it felt like he came down the birth canal sideways because he hurt A LOT more than Logan did. My poor Brody was so bruised from the induction meds. I would kiss him and feel his warmth as well and went straight to the arms of his Aunt Noelle. Jason couldn’t look at them. He was so shaken and upset he fell to the floor. Our beautiful sons were alive this entire time.
I now was beyond exhausted at this point. The magnesium drains you of every ounce of energy that you have, it honestly is horrible stuff. I had to deliver the placentas. I tried. With everything in me. I just couldn’t. I had to have a D&C. By the time I came to from my operation the boys had passed away. I woke up hazy but saw the most beautiful site my eyes have seen. My mother holding my sweet baby boys. A site that I will never forget for as long as my mind holds onto the memory.

I was wheeled back into L&D where I would hold my sons for the last time. I kissed their heads and by this time they were cold. There was no more life in their tiny bodies. Everyone held them for one final time and said their final goodbye to their nephews, grandsons and great-grandsons. Our room was filled with so much love it was unbelievable. The nurse took our boys away and then Jason and I began life ….. without our sons.

The story of Wyatt River:

This is the first time I have shared the story of our son Wyatt River. Our beautiful rainbow baby. Everything was going so well with the pregnancy. Starting from the very beginning when I became pregnant with him after a flawless frozen embryo transfer of our last two remaining embryos from our IVF back in September of 2008 (which results in the pregnancy of our twins). Yes, two embryos were put into my empty womb. I had some spotting during my two week wait after my transfer and before my official pregnancy test that had me incredibly worried. However, I could not wait until my pregnancy test so I bought some home pregnancy tests that beautifully showed … I was pregnant. After such a huge loss of losing our twins, we were over the moon happy and ready to start this life of being pregnant again. This was in January 2010, a few weeks before our twins first birthday in heaven.

As I said, everything was going so well with this pregnancy. I barely had any morning sickness and he was growing big and strong. Of course this was before we found out he was a he. I had thought that he was actually a she to be honest. We scheduled the anatomy scan for May 4th, two days before my husbands birthday. We wanted to do something fun for the revealing of the sex so we decided to put the results in an envelope and take it to the cake shop the day of Jason’s birthday and put the color cake on the inside with either blue for boy or pink for girl so that when Jason cut into his cake … we would then know what we were having. It was incredibly hard waiting an extra two days to find out after my appointment at the ultrasound but it was so worth it. The look on his face and all of ours when the blue cake was revealed was beyond priceless .. something I will never forget as long as I live. We were having another boy. We started to buy more boy stuff, we bought a crib and a changing table, and we painted the nursery which never got painted when I was pregnant with the twins since I only made it to 22 weeks with them. We just knew deep down we were going to bring our baby home.

When I reached 22 weeks one day with this second pregnancy I embarked on the feeling of being the most pregnant I had ever been. Again, everything was going according to planned. That is until 22 weeks 4 days when I went into OB triage due to me having braxton hicks contractions and spotting. It was determined I had bacterial vaginosis two days prior and the medicine was making my cervix friable which was causing the spotting. This was on a Friday. I was told to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and stay on my meds for the BV. I did just that. On Sunday the 30th, I was feeling mild pain in my lower abdomen. I assumed it was just gas pains. Little did I know on the 28th when I was in the OB Triage it was the start of the end.

Jason and I spent Sunday the 30th being lazy around the house and getting ready for the following week. We decided to go get some ice cream. When I came home, as I said, I was feeling those pains in my lower region. I laid down on my left side think it was just gas and that it would pass. It seemed to go away. As the night progressed and we were getting ready for bed the pain returned. I was at my back door waiting for my dog to come in so we could go up to bed and I doubled over in pain. Again I thought it was just gas pain or possibly me on the verge of having a bad bout of diarrhea. I kept feeling the pain and it wouldn’t go away. I went upstairs to talk to Jason and call my Mom to see what she wanted me to do. After we all agreed to call the OB on call I did just that. See my husband was in bed because he had to be up at work the next morning by 6am so I went downstairs so that he could sleep and not disrupt him. While on the phone with the OB I told her that I was doubled over with pain but it felt like gas. She told me to take some Tylenol to ease the pain and lay down and if it gets worse to come into OB triage. She said to feel my stomach and if it isn’t getting hard when I feel the pain then that means that I am not in labor. I did tell her that it felt like I needed to go to the bathroom and have a bowel movement. I hung up the phone with her and tried to lay down in our guest bedroom.

I tried to sleep. I kept on tossing and turning because the pain did not go away. The pain kept making me have to go to the bathroom. I called my Mom and told her to come over so that she could take me into OB triage so that Jason could sleep. After I got off the phone with her I tossed and turned in the bed some more. I got up to go to the bathroom again and this time … my water broke. I will never ever forget the sound of it. I screamed at the top of my lungs for Jason to come downstairs. My screams would haunt him for weeks afterwards. I told him to call 911. By this time … I delivered our third son while I was on the toilet. Jason was still on the phone with 911. I had my phone in there with me and I called my mom and could barely get out the words that I delivered the baby and that she needs to hurry up and get here. I could feel myself bleeding. I looked in the toilet only once and could see his umbilical cord dangling from my body and into the toilet. I couldn’t see him. I think at this point I was screaming. Jason told the 911 person that I had delivered the baby, she told him to get him out of the toilet. He just couldn’t, he was on the verge of passing out. I told him to give me the phone so I could talk to her. I remember her asking me if I could get him out. I just couldn’t, I could not look in the toilet of blood again or else I was going to pass out. By this time the ambulance had arrived and she told me she wishes me all the best.

My Mom arrived at my house the same time the ambulance did. The paramedics came right into my bathroom where I was. They were trying to keep me calm. I couldn’t even move or talk I was so distraught. He kept asking me what time this all happened, how far along I was. I think I answered. I know my Mom answered some of the questions. They had to get him out of the toilet, I was leaning against one of the paramedics while the other lifted my son from the toilet, the cut his umbilical cord and I could hear my precious boy gasping for air. I will forever and always feel an enormous amount of guilt for not doing more for my baby boy. They immediately started to perform CPR on him and rushed him into the ambulance. It was now my turn to go. They got me onto a gurney that was in my hallway and out to the ambulance I went along side my son. I was shaking from losing so much blood. There were three men in the ambulance with us. Two were trying to keep my son alive and one was trying to help me and get an IV in me. I remember looking up and to my left and asking them if my boy was still alive. I remember them telling me he is such a fighter.

We finally arrived at the hospital. The baby was immediately taken to the NICU and Jason went to be with him, my Mom with me. I was taken to the ER where they gave me morphine for the pain and pitocin to help me deliver the placenta. I tried pushing as much as I could. All I could think about was my son in another part of the hospital. I asked my Mom who never left my side, to go check on the baby. One of the nurses told her to stay with me and she would go check on him for us. This is when Jason came into my room and then … I knew, he was gone.

I didn’t want to believe it. My Mom went over to talk to Jason and I heard her start sobbing. She then came over to me with tears in her eyes and I asked her, even though I knew he was gone, if he was ok. She grabbed my hand and started crying. I started screaming that this cannot be happening again, I did not just lose another baby. I could not believe it. I remember feeling the overwhelming thoughts of wanting to die so I could be with all of them. There was no way I could handle this again.

Losing the twins was earth shattering, losing Wyatt made my remaining world crumble at the very core of my being. Jason and I are somehow alive and breathing. How .. I do not know. I think the small amount of hope left in our hearts and the love for our sons keeps us going. We can still have children, we have to do IVF again as I was told yet again there is no permanent damage to me physically, mentally though, well, that’s another story.


http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/25.html

© 2011 Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope | PO Box 26131 | Minneapolis, MN 55426 | Contact Us