Heidi
Mom to Avery Rose, Everett James and Elliot William
Miscarried January 19, 2016, August 8, 2016 and Born May 29, 2017 and Died June 3, 2017
Aurora, Colorado
I completely believed we’d bring Elliot home.
I think that’s what strikes me now, on his due date, a little over two months after losing him. There is this stark contrast between what I fully believed and expected would happen, and what has actually happened. And my mind and heart cannot fully accept that Elliot will never be coming home.
This is not only the story about losing my Elliot, but about losing my faith. I tried at first to write this story without the faith aspect, but it’s impossible. I am grieving and grappling with two losses: the loss of my perfect baby boy, and the loss of the God I thought would protect him.
I will never have Elliot back in this life. But I have whispers of hope in my heart that someday faith will be a part of me again. Perhaps it is still, manifested in the anger and disappointment and confusion I feel toward God. I just don’t understand. And I can’t tell the real version of my story without sharing everything. Perhaps when I share this story in a year or five years or ten years, there will be something beautiful to share about how God met me here and healed me. But today, only two months later, there is just love and loss.
