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Kerry
Mom to Oliver
April 6, 2018
Syracuse, New York
 I am 36 years old and met my husband almost 5 years ago.  We were married June 23, 2017 at the most beautiful wedding we could have imagined.  We were married on Cayuga Lake in Upstate New York, where we’ve lived all of our lives, surrounded by family and friends.  Steve is three years older than I am.  We knew we wanted to try to become pregnant right away and were so excited to start a family.  It worked!  We considered ourselves incredibly lucky and couldn’t believe that we became pregnant on the first month of trying.  I had a positive pregnancy test on August 17, 2017 and texted my husband at work “Steve. Steve. Steve! Can I call you?!?!”  He called me right back and I told him the news.  We were shocked and excited.  It’s so odd that although we were actively attempting to get pregnant, we were still so surprised by the result!  Neither of us has ever been married nor do we have any other children, this was our first.  We are each the “baby” of our families, we each have siblings who have children themselves, so we know what it is to be surrounded by kids – our nieces and nephews.  We heard (too often) from our families, that we should hurry up and have kids.  I’m not sure we could’ve went any faster. ha.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2018/05/8630.html

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Elizabeth
Mom to Grace Anne
 
February 25, 2018
Rocky Point, Long Island, New York

Life is made up of a bunch of fleeting moments. Some you catch hold of and can fully enjoy. Some fly by so fast they are a blur in your memory. Then there are the ones that change your life forever. These, I guess, you would call turning points. These moment change the direction you thought you were going, for good, bad or indifferent. Some of these moments come about on purpose, like getting married. Some happen as rights of passage, like graduation. Others happen, as a cruel act of fate. Our family recently suffered from one of these moments. It’s a moment in time where literally everything froze and then broke into thousands of little fragments. Shards of a direction that we wanted to travel, shards of a memory we wanted to embrace, shards of a life that was taken before it was given. 

February 5, 2018 will forever be our baby girl, Grace Anne’s day. I was 28 weeks and 6 days pregnant with our second little girl. Everything was going according to plan with our pregnancy. Two weeks prior we had heard a strong happy heart beat, I was sluggish and starting to swell but felt fine, and Grace was giving me little kicks here and there. We had been renovating the bedroom that would be Grace’s and our daughter Madelynn was super excited to be getting a baby sister to play with, feed, and teach things too. Our little family was growing by one more set of little feet and we were all anticipating her arrival, in May. Little did we know our world was going to change so quickly and devastatingly. 

February 21st, a 60-degree Wednesday, I took Maddie for a play date at the park with a few of her friends. I wasn’t super energetic and my ankles were still swollen, but I chalked it up to 6 busy work days as a server. I just needed rest. I went home that night and did just that. Put my feet up and rested on the couch. Thursday came and went without much to note. Friday and Saturday I was back at work. It wasn’t overly busy but I was moving. When I got home Saturday night I was pretty swollen in my legs and ankles and super tired. I had noticed that in the busyness of work I really hadn’t taken a second to feel Grace moving. So when I sat down I had some soda and ice cream to see if I could get her going. It was the first time that week that I, not only got a little time to think of just her but I panicked inside a little. I calmed myself down and told my husband I felt we should call the doctor Sunday morning. That phone call was the beginning of the end. Those days, looking back, should have been noticed by me more. I should have paid more attention to my sweet baby Grace. I should have felt my body wasn’t supporting her. I should have called sooner. I should have…

Sunday morning, woke up feeling better. I wasn’t swollen and had more energy. I put off calling the doctor because I felt good. Maddie had a birthday party and I had a baby shower to attend. Half way through the shower it hit me, I swelled up, I felt tired, and Grace hadn’t moved. I called my husband, who called the doctor, and I raced home. Still not thinking anything bad had happened to Grace, but felt like I might need to be monitored. I didn’t know why or what was wrong. I was just off. We left my 4-year old with my mom and went to the hospital. 

The first nurse came in with the fetal Doppler machine. She was talking with us about how I was feeling, so I didn’t even noticed she was having trouble finding the heartbeat. She excused herself and went to get the sonogram machine and the doctor.  The doctor started to poke around looking for the heartbeat. She had a small tight expression on her face, like she didn’t believe the picture. This is when time stopped ticking, voices became jumbled, faces a blur, and my whole world fragmented around me. I can vividly see the sonogram in my head, even though I never saw it. I can vividly see my husbands broken heart and face of disbelieve. I can vividly see every persons saddened face. Then she spoke the words, “I can’t find a heartbeat, I’m sorry, your baby is no longer with us.”

The sound of those words were like thousands of windows breaking at once. It was deafening and so lonely. I instantly felt isolated, empty, and alone. My husband was there, we were holding each other sobbing, the nurses and doctors were there, but my little angel was gone. The minutes after hearing those words were probably the longest in my life. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Trying to wrap my head around my baby no longer breathing. I thought of a million questions. How long was she like that? Was she in pain? Why? What happened? Why did my body fail her? Why did I fail her? And then reality hit again, she had to come out, how was she going to come out? 

I felt like everything was in slow motion. Nurses and doctors coming in, moving us to a delivery room, calling our parents and siblings, it all seemed to be moving so slow around us. Our nurse, Jess, she stayed with us the whole night. She was supposed to leave but she didn’t and I was so thankful, I needed her. She kept me focused, helped explain decisions we had to make, and just helped me deal with everything I was going through. She contacted my actual doctor, Doctor W, because she knew I would feel better if my doctor could be there. Doctor W had just come home from a vacation with her family, but she drove right to the hospital to be by my side. She and Jess walked us through some tough decisions. We had to decide between labor or c-section, but since Grace was breached, the doctor was afraid of complications during delivery. So we went with c-section. We had to decide on an autopsy or not. How she would be buried? Or cremated. When and where? So many decisions that a mother and father should never have to face? I was shaking uncontrollably. My blood pressures were so high, I couldn’t stop crying and my head was just a mess. Nothing made sense. I was asking again, Why did this happen to my sweet baby? How did I not know? Then it was time, I was being walked down to the OR. This was it, my baby was coming out and I would never hear her cry.

Dr. W and Jess literally held my shoulders while I sat to get the spinal before the surgery. They worked together in the operating room to get baby Grace out as quick and smooth as possible. During the procedure my blood pressure sky rocketed. I was given some magnesium to control it. Jess stood by my husband and I trying to keep us both calm. Once Grace was out Jess asked me if I wanted to see her, I was so broken I just couldn’t bare the thought of seeing her. She took baby Grace and my husband to another room so he could be with Grace and came back to me. She told me how beautiful she is, with blond hair and the cutest little nose. Jess eased me into thinking of how I needed to see my baby, hold her, smell her, remember her. When I was stitched up and moved into another room I realized how much my heart ached to see my little girl. I needed to hold her. My husband brought her over to me. I held my beautiful baby girl for hours. I snuggled her, my husband changed her and took her foot print, we kissed her, watched tv with her, talked to her about her big sister Madelynn, had a priest come in to bless her and took pictures of her throughout the night. She was so perfect. Her nose and the swirl in her blond hair were exactly like Madelynn’s. Her tiny hands had little nails, she had the lightest eyelashes and eye brows and the smallest little pink lips. I will never forget her beautiful face, her smell and the feel of her in my arms. These are the best worst moments of my life. 

Several hours later the nurses came in and asked if we were ready to have Grace go her new room and us to my room. I broke. I realized Grace would be alone, in a cold dark drawer somewhere. She would be alone… For six months her and I were never alone. I couldn’t handle thinking of her without me and me without her. I begged the nurse to make sure she had warm clothes, a blanket and a little piggy toy they gave us.  They promised they would and even took pictures of her with the piggy for us. We were sent to the post-pardum floor and given a room at the end with a butterfly on the name plate. The butterfly symbolized to the staff that we had a “fetal demise.” I was grateful for the butterfly as the staff that came in and out were very careful with how and what they said, but I was so angry that we had a butterfly. I wanted Grace.

Hours ticked by, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was in pain, I couldn’t think clearly and my blood pressures were still out of control. I was going nuts sitting in the hospital without having my baby to hold, feed, and snuggle. Again, nurses, doctors, family and friends floated in and out of our room. Everything is a haze. No ones words made sense to me, I couldn’t focus. I was empty and broken. Finally, I was able to be released from the hospital. I was so happy to get out of there, but leaving was horrendous. Everything crashed down on me again. My baby was being left behind. I was being wheeled out without the excitement of bringing home our new baby. As we rolled past other rooms, hearing the sounds of happy families, I got angry. I forced my husband to let me walk out instead of being wheeled. I cried as we walked past the baby balloons. I cried as we walked past the expectant grandparents and friends. I cried as I got in the car with no new bundle of joy. I cried as we drove away and I thought of Grace alone. I was hallow. I am still. I’m just an empty body moving through my days, pushing past my grief and guilt to make sure my 4 year old still has a present mommy, my husband has a present wife, and my family and friends have a present me. But in all reality, I’m a shell. I constantly think “what if?” I’m filled with guilt over so much, not knowing she wasn’t ok in my belly, making silly statements like “I can’t wait until she’s out so I can feel like me again,” or “I can’t believe we’ve decided to go back to sleepless nights and diapers.” I would give anything to have my swollen ankles and big belly back. I’d give anything to be up all night because of feedings and diaper changes.  I’d give anything to have a rewind of the past month so I could fix everything. Instead I’m up all night because of guilt and overwhelming sadness. My body has begun to return to pre-pregnancy but I don’t feel like me. I’m not. I’m a fragment of myself. I lost a part of me. A part that grew in me for 6months, that I will never get back. I feel so lonely and empty. I feel like I’m in a fog, a nightmare that I’m begging to wake up from but never come out of. Some days are better than others, where the darkness isn’t so blinding, but I won’t ever be whole again, or feel “normal” again. This is my new “normal.”

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2018/05/8602.html

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Jeanine

Mom to Diana Hope

June 13, 2017

West Babylon, New York

I want to tell you all a story about a girl named Diana.

I delivered my stillborn beautiful baby girl, Diana Hope on June 13, 2017 at 8:10 pm. She was 4 lbs, 1 oz, 18 inches long. She had dark hair and eyes, just like her dad, Gaetano. He says she looked like me and that makes me happy. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/09/8536.html

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Eileen

Mom to Paul Raymond and 6 Miscarried Babies

January 9 – 19, 2017
2009-2015

West Seneca, New York

My journey to becoming a mom started in October 2008. My husband and I were married for 2 years and he was just finishing college, so we thought we were in a good place to start a family. Little did we know, we were starting on an incredibly long and sometimes painful journey.

I got pregnant with our first right away. We were ecstatic and told everyone right away. Our first ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a little bean. I couldn’t believe I was finally going to be a mom, something I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. I was 34 years old and it was right before Christmas. But something was off; the baby was measuring a week and more behind. The doctor was sure my dates were off, but since I had been planning and following everything so closely, I knew my dates were right. However, I was naïve enough not to realize there was a big problem. The following February, I started bleeding and we found, at 12 weeks, that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. And so began our journey of struggling to become parents. I lost another baby at 7 weeks that June, the day after seeing a heartbeat. That baby, too, was measuring way behind.

It took an entire year for me to get pregnant again. I had gone to a reproductive endocrinologist who diagnosed me with a clotting disorder (elevated PAI-1) and told me the next time I got pregnant, that I’d be put on heparin. After multiple rounds on Femara, I finally fell pregnant in July 2010 with our beautiful, healthy daughter, who was born in March 2011. After my daughter was born, I was content to be one and done. My husband wanted a second child, but I was worried we were pushing our luck. I was getting older, my mother had had multiple losses, including a stillbirth, and I just didn’t want to take a chance. Once my daughter turned 3 though, I changed my mind, and was ready to try again. What followed were four miscarriages (2 early, 2 mid-to-end first trimester) over two years and then finally, a rainbow, in May of 2016.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/04/8444.html

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Jennifer

Mom to Faith Elizabeth

December 27, 2010

Upstate, New York

Five years ago I became pregnant with my second child.  My husband and I were beyond excited to grow our family and to see our 3 year old daughter, Julianna become a big sister.

My pregnancy progressed as normal and I will never forget this date.  August 31, 2010 was the big day!  The day we were scheduled for our 20 week ultrasound and we would find out if our baby was a girl or a boy! This day forever changed the lives of myself, and my husband and daughter.

That day we learned that our unborn baby had a rare and fatal condition called anencephaly.  This happens early in the pregnancy and it’s a condition that causes the bones of the baby’s skull to never fully close, which exposes the brain.  Our baby had a severe case and was missing skull from the eyebrows upwards. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/03/8146.html

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April

Mom to Kristian

December 16, 2015

Rocky Point, New York

I am the face of stillbirth. I am April. I’m 23 years old and a mother of a beautiful daughter Areanna and my sleeping handsome son Kristian, who was too beautiful for earth.

Here is my story: Expecting for the second time was so exciting for my boyfriend and I; when we found out we were going to have a boy we couldn’t have been any happier. My pregnancy was well, no issues but one; my cervix was shortening so I was on bedrest. All my boyfriend would talk about was his son and how he couldn’t wait for his arrival. [There was] so much he wanted to teach him and tell him (since his father was never around) Then December 16, 2015 came the date for my scheduled c-section. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/01/8091.html

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Crystal

Mom to Averie

Born and Died February 12, 2015

Calcium, New York

Up until reaching 33 weeks, my pregnancy had been great. Super easy with very little to no symptoms. I never had morning sickness with her and the heartburn everyone talks about? I was never lucky enough to experience that either. On February 11th, I started noticing strange discharge when I went to the bathroom. It didn’t look normal and at first I thought it was my mucus plug. I researched everything I could find on the internet, which of course is a always a bad idea. I decided it was best to go to the doctor just in case. I called the doctor’s office and they suggested I come in to just make sure that it wasn’t signs of pre-term labor.
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/11/7977.html

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Alyssa
Mommy to Messiah
04/01/2015
Buffalo, NY

About four and a half months ago [at time of writing] at 18 weeks I lost my son due to an infection called chorioamnionitis. I was told at one of my pre natal appointments I had the group b strep bacteria in my vagina, but they could not give me anything until I was in labor. About a month after I had my miscarriage, the doctor told me the infection is what caused my water to break early. The group b strep is what caused the chorioamnionitis. Finding out the physical cause of why I lost my son helped a little. The doctor described the probability of the infection as ‘bad luck’ and ‘ rare’. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/08/7866.html

 

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Jane

Mom to Nathaniel Edward

May 10, 2015

Brooklyn, New York

 

May 9th was the worst day of my life. I go over that day, the ones that precede it and the ones to follow in my head again and again. Even six weeks after, there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about those days. Each time, I go through trying to save my son over and over, only to realize that I can’t and he isn’t coming back to me. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/08/7847.html

1Dominique

Mom to Elena and Baby

March 19, 2015 and July 8, 2015

Lake Grove, New York

After just about 6 months of fertility treatments, I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my daughter with my first IVF cycle in 2011. After threatened miscarriage and third trimester high blood pressure, my beautiful girl was born perfect in July 2012.

We had one snow baby left from that cycle, so I waited until our daughter turned two to start trying again.  This time, getting pregnant became even more difficult.  After the first two FET cycles were cancelled due to poor lining and polyps, I had a D&C and gave myself the holidays off to recover.  In January 2015, I had a successful transfer and got my positive pregnancy test in February 2015.  The numbers were low to start (HCG was 30), but they rose at a steady rate and from the time I saw the first heartbeat, I was in love.  I slowly began to believe I was lucky enough to get pregnant 2x in a row via IVF with no further complications.  My husband and I told all of our close family and friends and by week 8, we began to tell our jobs.  I have the apps in my phone to follow the development of the pregnancy and spent my nights before bed dreaming that my family would soon be complete.  I couldn’t wait for October 24, 2015.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/07/7805.html

TheFaceOfFulltermStillbirthSamantha

Mom to Alana

Stillborn October 4, 2013

Katonah, New York

Alana Marie Banerjee was born on October 4th, 2013 at 2:21 a.m. – 6 lbs 8 oz of pure joy for me and her father. At 20 inches long, she was a tall baby, with long skinny legs, slender fingers with perfect miniature nails, and big soft feet with all the requisite toes. She had her father’s nose and ears and eyelashes, my lips and eyebrows, the softest skin I’ve ever felt, and a full head of silky black hair. There was only one thing wrong with this storybook ending; following nine months of a perfectly healthy and blissful pregnancy, our daughter was born dead.

Alana died at 39 weeks 5 days, just two days short of her due date.  Up until the moment the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat, she’d been healthy and strong.  The doctors had called her fetal monitor read-outs “textbook.”  She’d been active and lively, rolling around in my belly, suffering adorable bouts of in-utero hiccups (often more than once a day) for weeks.  She’d passed every prenatal test with flying colors.  There was never a cause for concern – never a single warning sign.  Until, all of a sudden, she was gone.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/04/7659.html

paint 3Shannon

Mom to Chase and Cayden

December 22, 2012

Brooklyn, New York

At 20 weeks, December 22, 2012, I lost my twin boys. Two days prior to going into preterm labor, I noticed a nickel-sized discharge with a speck of pink in it. I called my doctor and he let me know that if I saw more blood throughout the day to go to L&D. I knew in my heart that something was not right. I went to L&D that day and was given a pelvic exam, set up on monitors and assured that nothing was wrong and was sent home. Less than 48 hours later, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. to severe lower back pain and 5 bowel movements in 2 hours. My husband and I rushed to the hospital. I noticed that my pain was every 1-2 minutes and that it was probably contractions.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7227.html

166738_10151522987259508_437982741_nTricia

Mom to Isabelle Skye

Stillborn February 13, 2013

Schenectady, New York

To make a long story short, I had finally conceived after 2 years of trying and was so happy, but it sadly ended in miscarriage faster than I ever imagined. I literally found out I was pregnant and lost the baby a week later. It was devastating for me . Thankfully, my husband was by my side the whole time and was very supportive. After that, we gave TTC a little break as I could not handle it emotionally. After a few months, we decided to go ahead and keep trying and two more years later, nothing still. I was starting to get discouraged and bummed out. Also my cycles started to become a little off and I would skip a month here and there, or sometimes two. Well, in September we really put all effort into this baby-making thing and we tried every day. I was drinking some herbal teas to enhance fertility and really just trying to not have any stress.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/01/6740.html

Kristina

Mom to Baby Mamott

Lost September 22, 2012

Buffalo, New York

I delivered my 16 week old baby on 9-22-12. I sit here in my bed, in pain, feeling like I’m suffocating…wondering how this could happen to me.

I worked so hard for this baby. Being a mother has been my only dream. I finally met the man of my dreams later in life, and we started to work on building a family. I’m 36 and after 6 months of trying to conceive, I went to a fertility specialist, only to learn that I wasn’t ovulating. We found the cure, but it took several months of going through painful procedures and treatments, including hormone injections. My dream finally came true! I was pregnant. ME! Good ol’ pregnant me! [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6047.html

Sandra

Mom to Lara Taina

Born still May 19, 1996

Bronx, New York

Today is May 19, 2012.  Sixteen years ago (1996), I delivered my Lara Taina.  Sadly, she was still born due to umbilical strangulation.  She would have been 16 years old today. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/05/5387.html

Jamie

Mom to Angel “SweetPea”

December 18, 2008

Williamson, New York

Well, in September 2008 my hubs and I decided to TTC baby #4. I usually get pregnant very quickly but we didn’t get a BFP until December 4, 2008, when I realized I was 4 days late.

We told everyone because I had 3 normal healthy pregnancies with our other 3 sons and didn’t think this pregnancy would be any different. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/05/5310.html

Andrea

Mom to Baby Angel

Lost March 27, 2012 at 9 weeks

Watertown, New York

I found out I was pregnant with my second child on February 9, 2012. I had wanted to have another child for a while now; my daughter will be turning 4 at the end of April so it had been a year or two since I wanted to try. I do a daycare in my house. I’m around kids all day I just love them and wanted my child to have a brother or sister. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/04/5154.html

Lisa

Mom to an Angel, who left me October 28, 2010

and

James Ethan, who we said goodbye to on January 11, 2012

Holland Patent, New York

My journey began 2 years ago when I first held the positive pregnancy test. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/04/5059.html

Emily

Missed miscarriage at 12 weeks in December 2010,
Blighted ovum at 7 weeks in April 2011,
and missed miscarriage at 17 weeks in September 2011

Near Albany, New York

The story of my first missed miscarriage is here: http://facesofloss.com/2011/01/652.html. Since that time, I’ve had two additional losses.

I found myself pregnant again at the end of March 2011. I had betas drawn, and it didn’t look good. It was a 133 hour doubling time, when it should have been 24-48 hours. I went in for my first ultrasound at 6.5 weeks and only saw an empty sac. They tried to reassure me that it was in the right place, to give it time, but I started bleeding a few days later. Follow-up ultrasound and betas confirmed a completed natural miscarriage. It had been a blighted ovum. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/01/4394.html

Shannon

Mom to Victoria Joy

Born December 28th, 2009 at 36w 1d, survived only about 2 hours

Bronx, NY 

I was 12 weeks when I had my first sonogram appointment. Most people go to their first appointment excited, not imagining something may be wrong with their baby.  The technician pretty much immediately found something wrong with my baby, specifically the tummy.  They measured the nuchal fold and everything else which looked fine.  They weren’t sure if it was omphalocele or gastroschisis.  They explained the difference and that they would be sending me for more tests and ultrasounds, etc.  I was devastated that something was wrong with my little girl.  I was the last patient to leave the office and I just didn’t know what to do but cry.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/12/4167.html

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