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Sindija 
Mom to Baby #2
February 9, 2018
Sweden

“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” What form does mourning take when the only proof of a life is a single picture of an ultrasound of an already dead fetus and my own vivid memories of a tiny, lifeless, human-like body. This is the story of my missed miscarriage.

In the summer of 2012, I was pregnant with my son. At six weeks I started bleeding and was told it was a threatened miscarriage. The bleeding subsided, the scan a week later showed a growing embryo, but no heartbeat. I asked my husband to come with me to the twelve week scan at a clinic an hour drive away because I was sure my baby was dead. I was so wrong. There on the large screen on the wall, I saw my precious baby moving. The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful. I was induced because two weeks after my due date my water broke and it was green. There was a risk of infection and issues for my son, but all turned out ok. I lost quite a bit of blood during labor and received blood transfusion.

Fast forward to December 8, 2017. I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was not planned but as the new year approached, both my husband and I began planning a future with two children. I had morning, well all day sickness, and very sore breasts. I was definitely pregnant. My waste line was thickening fast and soon I began wearing maternity pants to work. As the 12-week mark approached, I told some of my family members and my two supervisors at work. Once I have had my twelve week scan, we would tell everybody else.

February 5th, 2018. I am 12 weeks and 3 days. This time I went to the scan myself. The same clinic an hour drive away. It was just a routine check up. The midwife asked about my previous pregnancy and I told her about the scare with the bleeding and how my body had no clue of what to do when it was time to deliver the baby. It was as if my body wanted to keep the baby forever. I got onto the table and faced the same huge screen so had five years earlier. The midwife had a hard time finding the baby and once she did I knew something was terribly wrong.

Instead of a bouncy baby what I saw was a tiny and completely still bean. Before the midwife said anything, I uttered the words: “there is no heartbeat.” She asked if it was ok for her to take some more measurements. She printed a picture and squeezed it into my hand. “You will be glad to have this,” and I am, I am so grateful she gave me the ultrasound picture of my bean. My baby measured at 8 weeks and 3 days. For four weeks I had carried a dead being and my body had remained blissfully unaware. I was advised to get in touch with the women’s clinic in my town and not to wait too long because I had an unusually large placenta. It had kept growing for the four weeks. I decided to have a medical abortion.

On February 7th, I went to the hospital to get the first pill. I told the midwife how I was scared of bleeding too much and they listened and admitted me to the hospital a day early. Nothing happened that Thursday. I saw a counselor and cried. On Friday, I got the second set of medication that would start contractions. The counselor came up again and talked to me. She wondered why my husband was not there with me. I told her that there are only two things I wanted. First, ideally I want to come back to labor and delivery in mid August and have this baby. But that is not possible. Second, I wish someone could take my body and go through this for me, but that too is impossible. So the only way for me to do this is to do it by myself.

The midwife gave me lots of pain medication so I felt nothing when the miscarriage happened, but there was so much I was not prepared for. I was not prepared for my water to break, I was not prepared to feel the baby pass, and most of all I was not prepared for the tiny finger, the eyes, the budding ears, the translucent skin, the tiny body that would grow into my baby. I had asked in panic before what would it all look like and what would happen to my baby. I was so anxious about it ending up in the toilet. When I saw it, my first instinct was to take it home. There I sat on the floor, in a pool of blood, talking to my unborn child. I told him (I do not really know what the sex was) how much I loved him, how sorry I was that my body could not protect it. I wrapped him up and put him in the rubbish bin.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2018/09/8736.html

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Raquel

Mom to Miche and Jephthah

November 15, 2015 and April 29, 2016

Miami, Florida

My husband and I got married in September of 2014. He named his first child long before I was even pregnant — Micheline if the baby was a girl and Michel if the baby was a boy. In June of 2015, I had a Myomectomy to remove a fibroid that was blocking implantation, and in September (on our one-year anniversary) I was pregnant! At my first ultrasound appointment, my mother and I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. It was so exciting!  
     
At the next appointment, however, the doctor asked, “Did we get a heartbeat the last time?” I couldn’t believe he had asked that. His next words were, “The baby stopped growing at 7 weeks. There’s no heartbeat. I’m sorry.” We named our first baby Miche as we didn’t know the sex.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/04/8454.html

1Dominique

Mom to Elena and Baby

March 19, 2015 and July 8, 2015

Lake Grove, New York

After just about 6 months of fertility treatments, I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my daughter with my first IVF cycle in 2011. After threatened miscarriage and third trimester high blood pressure, my beautiful girl was born perfect in July 2012.

We had one snow baby left from that cycle, so I waited until our daughter turned two to start trying again.  This time, getting pregnant became even more difficult.  After the first two FET cycles were cancelled due to poor lining and polyps, I had a D&C and gave myself the holidays off to recover.  In January 2015, I had a successful transfer and got my positive pregnancy test in February 2015.  The numbers were low to start (HCG was 30), but they rose at a steady rate and from the time I saw the first heartbeat, I was in love.  I slowly began to believe I was lucky enough to get pregnant 2x in a row via IVF with no further complications.  My husband and I told all of our close family and friends and by week 8, we began to tell our jobs.  I have the apps in my phone to follow the development of the pregnancy and spent my nights before bed dreaming that my family would soon be complete.  I couldn’t wait for October 24, 2015.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/07/7805.html

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Amber

Mom to Wesley, ectopic pregnancy, April 13, 2010

Mom to Bentley, missed miscarriage, August 13, 2014

Lubbock, Texas

We began trying for a baby starting the summer of 2009.  We had been married about 4 1/2 years and I had been on birth control pills our whole marriage.  We were not actively trying at first, mostly just preventing.  I really thought that we would get pregnant right away.  I have never had any problems with my cycle and it has always been very regular and predictable.  Well, month after month went by with no pregnancy.  Most months I would get my hopes and then my period would start.  I could probably name off everyone who got pregnant while we were trying.  It was very hard to hear people say that they got pregnant their first month trying.  March of 2010 my period was late.  I took several pregnancy tests and they were all negative.  I was also having some pains in my ovary.  I looked some stuff up online and got freaked out!  Then my period started, so everything was fine.  I had decided not to stress about getting pregnant and just leave it all in God’s hands. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/6216.html

annie

Annie

Miscarried her first baby 

March 18, 2013

Ardmore, Oklahoma

My husband and I married in December of 2012 with intentions of trying to get pregnant right away.  After a couple months of trying, I got a faint pink line of an in-home pregnancy test.  I was thrilled but still not 100% sure I was pregnant.  I waited until the next day and took another test with the same result.  Just to be sure, I purchased a digital test and it said PREGNANT!  I was ecstatic!  I cried and thanked God over and over again and I told God that I would thank him everyday of my pregnancy, which I did.  I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My dream was coming true.  I went out and bought a baby balloon and a chalkboard to write “We are Pregnant” on and I made my husband his favorite red velvet cupcakes.  I set it all up and when he came home, he was over-the-moon excited!  It was one of the best moments of my life. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/6925.html

megan

 Megan

Mom to Baby KW

December 31, 2009

Hamilton, Ohio

Once upon a time… in a not so far away land, I met my prince charming and we were happily married. We had been together for six years the day we got married and we always knew our little family was not complete. We were ready to have a baby! Little did we know where the journey of our family would take us… [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/6838.html

378587_10151059266472572_121665615_nKendall

Mom to “Baby B”

November 15, 2012

Indiana

My life changed forever the moment I saw those two pink lines. My life changed forever again 7 weeks later when we found out that our first child had no heartbeat. I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my life so far. Although it is hard, I hope that sharing my story can give people an honest look into miscarriage and can help someone else who is going through their own loss.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/01/6661.html

Kendall

Mom to “Baby B”
November 15, 2012

and

“Angel Baby”
April 19, 2013

Indiana

My life changed forever the moment I saw those two pink lines. My life changed forever again 7 weeks later when we found out that our first child had no heartbeat. I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my life so far. I hope that sharing my story can give people an honest look into miscarriage and can help someone else who is going through their own loss. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2014/03/6323.html

Leah

Mom to Grace

Lost October 19, 2012

Columbia, South Carolina

My mom named me Leah, which means weary. The past few weeks have really made me feel like I am living up to the meaning of my name. I have two healthy, wonderful boys who are ages 4 and 2. My husband and I decided that we wanted to have a third child; I was praying that God would finally give me a little girl. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/11/6240.html

Adrienne

Mom to multiple losses:

17 week loss in December 2010,

Chemical pregnancy in March 2012,

Missed miscarriage (possible molar pregnancy) in June 2012,

and

Chemical pregnancy in October 2012

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

My journey began in August of 2010 when I found out I was pregnant after just six months of trying. I was stunned that it happened so easily and quickly. We didn’t chart, take my temperature or use any Ovulation Predictor Kits. I simply went off birth control, relaxed, had fun and it happened! My husband and I were so excited. I was already 8 weeks along when I found out, because I’d had some spotting that I thought was my period. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6133.html

John and Nathasha

Parents to Baby 1
EDD October 23, 2012, lost April 5, 2012

and

Baby girls 2 & 3
EDD March 26, 2012, D&C September 18, 2012

Glendale, California

Finding out you’re expecting is probably one of the most exciting things for a couple. My husband, John, and I decided that we would stop trying to prevent and just let nature take its course. Never in a million years would I think I would get pregnant right away.

It’s funny how your body will let you know before a HPT: frequent trips to the bathroom, tender body parts. I just knew something was different. Three tests later a few days before AF was even supposed to start, we had positive results.

Our first baby, what could be more exciting than this? We knew about the 12 week announcement rule, but we had to tell our closest family members and friends about it. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6127.html

Brittani

Mom to Leighton

Lost September 7, 2012

Columbus, Ohio

I found out on July 8th that we were expecting. I was 4 weeks pregnant and due March 15th! So close to my mom’s (March 6th) and my father-in-law’s (March 9th) birthdays! How cool! We were so excited, and so were our daughters!

From day one of finding out I was pregnant, I just had a weird feeling about something, while also having a lot of abdominal pains. At 6 weeks, we finally decided to just go to the hospital and have me checked over. At first they couldn’t figure out what was wrong, but knew something was. They thought I was pregnant with twins and one didn’t make it. They soon realized my hCG levels were not rising enough to be pregnant with twins. My hCG levels were actually lower than they should have been for a 6 week pregnancy. Then we found out that I had a cyst on one side of our baby and a “bleed” on the other. We were worried, but were reassured that for now everything was ok. They scheduled me for an ultrasound and hCG levels checked a couple days later, and everything was good with both! [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6070.html

Brittany

Mom to Joshua Allen

Due April 20, 2013
Grew wings August 30, 2012 at 6w2d
D&C September 14, 2012

Tyler, Texas

My husband and I decided that after 2 little girls, we were ready for a little boy. We started trying when our youngest was 5 months old, fully aware just how close our children would be if we conceived immediately, but also realizing that it took 6 months of trying to conceive our second, so the actual possibility of it happening seemed slim to none. People told us we were crazy for wanting our children so close together, but we LOVED the fact that our daughters were 19 months apart. Those two little girls had an amazing relationship and were as close as can be, and we were hoping the same for future children. So, we began trying to conceive again. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6024.html

Tabitha

Mom to Jack
Lost February 26, 2011 at 6 weeks

and

Holly
Discovered no heartbeat May 2, 2011 at 9 weeks 2 days
D&C May 5, 2011

Coweta, Oklahoma

In February I had run out of birth control. After a period didn’t start I took several pregnancy tests before starting a new pack. I kept getting negatives. Well, once my period was over a week late I went and saw my doctor to have her test. I didn’t want to start a new pack of birth control without making sure I wasn’t pregnant. After doing a blood draw and waiting for what felt like forever, my doctor called me in. She showed me the screen, and sure enough I was pregnant. My hCG numbers were extremely low, so she asked me to come back in 2 days for a redraw to make sure they were going up. While it wasn’t a planned pregnancy, I was so excited! Two days later I went back in and my numbers had tripled. I drove home that day feeling so blessed and an overwhelming amount of love for my husband and 9-month old son. We took no time announcing our pregnancy to family. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6016.html

Hazel Marie

Mom to Kayden Raileigh

Lost January 31, 2012 at 13 weeks’ gestation

and

An angel baby
Lost October 18, 2012 at 10 weeks’ gestation

Rocky Mount, Virginia

Around mid-November 2011, I had started getting very nauseated day by day, and wondered constantly if I was in-fact pregnant with my second child. After about a month of testing and getting nothing but negative pregnancy tests, I finally got a positive. My husband and I were so happy to be having another little one. Around the time I had found out, it was about Christmas, so my primary doctor’s office was closed and getting plowed with tons of snow. They couldn’t get me scheduled in until about mid-January to get me checked and confirmed for my pregnancy, and to check how far along I was. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/5981.html

Megan

Mom to “Monkey”

Stopped growing at 6 weeks 4 days,
D&C August 23, 2012

Madison, Alabama

I always told my friends the only thing I wanted in life was to be a mom. In fact, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to have children. I am a worrier by nature. Well, that might be the understatement of the year. I would just ATTEND a party and I spent the whole time wondering if everyone was having a good time and making sure they have everything they need. When I hear police sirens near my house, I call my husband obsessively if he doesn’t answer to make sure he is not dead. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/09/5960.html

Rachel

Mom to Gabriel

Miscarried February 24, 2012
at 15 weeks 3 days

Mount Sterling, Kentucky

My son was 16 months old when my husband and I found out we were expecting our second child. We were nervous for a bunch of different reasons. We didn’t know how we could afford two children and I felt kind of bad for bringing another child into the world when my son didn’t even know what was going on. I felt like I wasn’t going to have as much time to spend with him. But as the news grew on us we became more and more excited! I couldn’t help but look at baby clothes every time we would go to the store. I was really hoping for a little girl since I already had my son, but as long as it was healthy was all I cared about. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/07/5696.html

Sarah

Mom to América

Lost at 9 weeks October 24, 2011

Seville, Spain (originally from Walpole, Massachusettes)

I am American, living abroad in Spain.  We found out on September 14th, 2011 that I was pregnant with our much-desired baby number 2.  Our firstborn, Manuela, was just eleven months old, but truth be told, we had been trying since soon after she joined us.  There was “no rush” but we did want them to be close together in age (they would have been 19 months apart).  We were thrilled with the positive result and began to make plans for our new baby’s early May arrival. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/05/5223.html

Kaitlin

Mom to Jordan
Lost September 9, 2011,

Ectopic pregnancy, September 2009

and

Missed miscarriage, March 2009

Kitchener, Ontario, Canada

My name is Kaitlin and I am 29 years old. I am married to Scott and have a daughter Emma.
I am sharing our journey with you as demonstration of our commitment to this process. Please take the time to understand where we have been and how we got to this place. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/04/5093.html

Kelly

Mom to Angel Baby

Lost January 11, 2010

Franklin, NC

My husband and I were married for just over two years when we decided it was time to start a family. I had just finished graduate school and had been ready for a baby for a while by that point.  We were pleasantly surprised when we got pregnant on our first try in November of 2009.  At first everything seemed okay, but I really wasn’t having any pregnancy symptoms, other than the need to pee all the time.  At my first prenatal appointment the midwife confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, but it was a “weak positive” on the test.   I was only about 4.5 to 5 weeks along at the time and was set up for an ultrasound about a week later.   [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/03/5012.html

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