Mom to Michael Andrew
Born and Passed November 13th, 2008
Tucson, Arizona
Ours is a story about both devastating infertility and heartbreaking infant loss.  After a painful ovarian cyst ruptured in December of 2006, I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis.  I was 28 years old and just couldn’t believe why this was happening to us.  Over the next year-and-a-half, I went through a laparotomy surgery, several rounds of fertility meds (Clomid), and an intra-uterine insemination (IUI).  Unfortunately, nothing worked to help increase our chances of getting pregnant.  And so in June of 2008 we turned to in vitro fertilization (IVF).  Luckily, our first round resulted in a positive pregnancy test!  We were so excited, it seemed like our dreams were coming true and we were going to finally become a family after 9 years of marriage. 

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Mom to Sandy Rose and James Patrick
August 2nd, 2010
Lowell,  Massachusetts
My husband and I got married in Oct 2007.  We knew more than anything we wanted a family right away.  We also knew that we would probably have to get help to get that family.  For over two years we went through numerous IUI’s and IVF cycles always ending in disappointment.  Then in Oct 2009 with our 3rd IVF cycle we got pregnant!  We couldn’t believe it, finally we were going to start our family.  It quickly turned to disappointment again at our 7 week appt though as there was no heartbeat, so they gave it another week and still nothing, at 10 weeks we lost our first glimmer of hope of a family.  So we took a few months off and started again.  In March 2010, we went through our 4th IVF.  We got pregnant again and this time with TWINS and we saw two beautiful heartbeats!  It was love at first sight!  My husband and I were so excited, after so long of trying we were finally going to have our family and even better it would be with two babies!  

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Mom to Adrian
Stillborn January 2nd, 2010
British Columbia, Canada 
I got married in 2008 to a wonderful man.  Six months later, we decided to start trying for a baby, since I wanted to get pregnant before I turned thirty.  That was a while ago.  I have turned thirty a few times since. And got pregnant a few times since.  I have been pregnant THREE TIMES THIS YEAR and it is only September.  Still have a few more months to go. I am currently recovering from transabdominal cerclage, which I have had done on September 28, 2010.

After many many attempts, about ten IUI’s and clomid and repronex and superovulation, we landed at the IVF clinic and got pregnant for the first time on the very first IVF.   Yes, that actually did happen to me, although it is mostly a blur now.  It wasn’t even so long ago, a little over one year.  At Christmas, when I was coming back home from visiting my parents, at 20 weeks gestation, I lost my mucus plug, and went to the hospital to get checked out.

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Mom to Logan Ray Gill
Stillborn October 6th, 2008
Baytown, Texas
I am a mother and I have two children.
After a very long, disappointing journey and over six years trying to get pregnant, my husband and I turned to IVF as our last hope and it worked!  On March 10, 2008 we found out we were having TWINS.  We had known there was a chance, but still weren’t really expecting that.  Now, not only were we going to have the baby we’d always dreamed of and become a real family, we were going to have TWO babies.  It was shocking to say the least, but I fell in love with both babies instantly.  I went to my many appointments and watched them on the ultrasound screen and moment by moment, image by image, I fell deeper in love.  I already loved them more than I could imagine.   We found out we were having a boy and a girl and we were elated.  We named them Logan Ray and Ella Ann.  Oh how excited we were (and scared)!  I couldn’t wait for them to get here so I could have them in my arms.  I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to have them here, to actually BE a mother like I’d dreamed and hoped for so very long, to know what that felt like. 

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Mom to twin sons, Ryder Jansan and Levi Dominic
Born and Died February 28th, 2010 at almost 23 weeks
Houston, Texas
As a leukemia survivor, I always knew that I would require medical intervention to have children. My husband and I were so grateful for our son, Eli, born 1/2008 through IVF.

We wanted so badly to give him a sibling and underwent IVF again in 2009. We had 2 embryos implanted and knew having twins was a big possibility. How surprised and excited we were to find out that, not only were we having twins, but they were identical!!! One embryo had split.

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Early Miscarriage at 7 weeks on June 13th, 2008
Sidney, Australia
A Journey of Loss and Hope and a little Miracle
I’m lying on a squeaky bed. I can feel the metal bars across my back on the worn out thin mattress and I can smell the crispness of potent detergent in the sheets. I am being rolled along a corridor and all I can see is the dirty sealing and the lights flashing as I go past. I hear people dash from door to door; their blue, white and pink uniforms flash before me. One of the lights somewhere needs its bulb changed as all I can hear is the buzzing and buzzing, fading, fading. Welcome to day surgery Athena. The first operation in my life, ever. I was always a healthy kid, even as adventurous as I was; I never had any bumps or broken bones. But today at 32 years old, I was having a laparoscopy. In layman’s terms, 4 probes. One through the belly button, 2 above the groin and one conveniently in my vagina. One of the probes was thick enough to have the tiniest of cameras attached to it. My Fertility Specialist wanted to take a look inside my uterus and see whether there was anything to explain my infertility. Infertility – the word I had become quite accustomed to now for nearly 2 years. Today though was not the happy ending story. There’s another 4 years to this tale of eventually holding my child in my arms.

My husband and I met when I was 21. We dated for awhile, went on holidays – drank, partied, lived life. We moved in together when I turned 24. Having come from a strict Greek background, this was finally my time to shine. To really express myself, not be bogged down by rules and finally experience adulthood. We lived happily and started to become more involved with our careers and saving cash for our first home. We got married when I was 27. Throw in a few more holidays, helping our families and establishing secure jobs. I was 29 when we finally opened the door to our own home. The thought of children never really entered our minds. We wanted them eventually but were so happy together. Everyone around us was the same age and only now starting to have kids. We were not far behind when we decided to try. How hard could it be? Everyone else was having kids.

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Mom to Angel Baby Harlan
November 30, 2009

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby nearing for well over two years. Everyone around us was having no difficulties in conceiving. After many frustrating months filled with disappointment, I finally saw those two beautiful pink lines on October 9, 2009. We finally were expecting our long awaited bundle of joy.

October 27, 2009 was the first prenatal appointment at which time I had experienced the tiniest bit of spotting. Our OB reassured us everything was going to be OK and sent me home to rest.
November 2, 2009 was our first ultrasound which dated our baby a week behind but with a strong heartbeat. Again, we were reassured that everything is fine and these things sometimes happen. Believing that this was really happening, we spent the next few weeks dreaming of our baby to come. We started shopping for baby items, maternity clothes and even bought our stroller. Our life was perfect. This was it, it was really happening for us. We shared the news with our family and friends. Everyone was delighted as they knew the struggles we had faced. During our 10 week prenatal visit the OB decided to use the Doppler. There was no sound, not even a possible glimpse of the swooshing heartbeat. Again, the he reassured us that it just is too early to really hear anything and not to worry. We scheduled our NT Scan and went home. I cried and told my husband that I was unsettled with this. It just didn’t seem right, and I couldn’t shake the fear that had come over me.

On November 29, 2009 my fears became our reality. I took a shower and noticed I was lightly bleeding. Terrified and crying I ask my husband to call the OB. Since it was a Saturday afternoon, he sent us straight to the ER for monitoring. We spent several hours waiting in a bed thinking the worst is yet to come and at the same time holding on to hope. I am finally wheeled in for the ultrasound, I lay there crying and holding my husband’s hand. The screen flicks on and I knew our baby was gone, it was over.

November 30, 2009 the miscarriage began. I endured well over 15 hours of the most pain I ever felt. My husband tried his best to take care of me while mourning his loss as well. We were up all night going through the process as heartbreaking and physically challenging as it was. At 3am I could no longer handle the intense pain and began to go into shock, which sent us back to the ER until early morning.

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Mom to twin sons Emmett and Everett
Born too early on August 4th, 2010
Puyallup, Washington
My husband and I married on August 12th, 2006 after having been engaged for 7 years. It was truly one of the best days of my life. Soon after being married we began to try and start a family.  [Read more…]

Mom to three dearly missed little ones
June 2009, August 2009 & July 2010
Philadelphia, PA
Our story starts in 2003, when we got married on a sunny day in August. We are best friends and we love children. I am a children’s counselor, and Pete is going to be a pediatric nurse. We are so deserving aren’t we? We decided to start trying TTC while pete was in nursing school trying to time it so we’d be pregnant when he was done, and well-timing it so I could work part time as a counselor. We also timed it so we could try and have children that are around the same age as my sisters’ children. How silly of us right? Planning? HA! Maybe the rest of the world, but not us.

I remember the initial excitement and thrill of shedding protection and the excitement of our first pregnancy stick. Didn’t work. Hmmm…that is weird we thought. My sisters and mom all got pregnant by accident at least once, some of them twice, and never had any trouble. (If you are reading this- no family history is NOT an indicator of whether or not you will be have trouble TTC.) We tried again for a few months. Still no luck. Maybe it was the way I was laying. Maybe it was our timing. We did some research. I charted temps on a little graph. We tried ovulation predictor kits. Still no luck. We took it in
stride: a few tears but we are still young. None of our friends have children yet. We have time.

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Pregnant from September 25th-October 14th, 2008
St. Louis, MO

After many months of trying for our first child we found out on September 25, 2008 that I was finally pregnant. I was so excited. We are high school sweethearts and had been married over six years. It was finally time. We told everyone. After all what did we have to worry about? We were both young (29), healthy, and no one in our families had any problems previously with pregnancies.

Right about the fifth/six week mark I felt pregnant. My boobs hurt, I was having food aversions, I was crabby, tired, and peeing all the time. I thought these were all good signs and I was very happy.

On Saturday, October 11th I started spotting. Trying to calm my fears I called the doctor on call. She coldly informed me that if I was only six weeks and having a miscarriage there was nothing they could do. If it got worse or I felt worse I could go to the ER, otherwise just call the office on Monday. I went out that evening with friends who tried to comfort me with their own stories of spotting and rough pregnancies. I knew in my heart that something was not right.

On Monday, October 13th I called the doctor’s office as soon as they opened. I went in immediately for an ultrasound. I was alone. My husband had a meeting at work that he could not miss. I figured I was just being over dramatic and that I would see the baby and everything would be fine. I went into the cold ultrasound room covered with pictures of previous babies. Twins, triplets, 3-D babies, all over the place and in my face.

Within two minutes the ultrasound woman confirmed that there was no baby in my uterus. In fact she could not find much of anything other than a huge cyst on my left ovary. I covered my face as I could not bear to look at the pictures of my empty womb. She told me that I was probably already miscarrying and that was why nothing was showing up on the screen. I got blood work taken to see if it was a rh incompatibility problem. I had to walk out into a waiting room full of happy, healthy, pregnant women with tears streaming down my face.

The next day, October 14th, I was still not having much bleeding, or cramping. I kept waiting for something to happen. About halfway through the day I had incredible pain in my stomach and ended up in a fetal position on the floor of our bathroom. My mom drove me to the ER. I knew something was not right because I kept hearing my doctor’s name being paged over the intercom. It turned out that it was not a cyst on my ovary, but rather my left fallopian tube blown up by an ectopic pregnancy. I underwent surgery immediately as there was already some internal bleeding.

Wednesday, October 15th, I woke up and found out that my right fallopian tube was useless due to severe scarring from a ruptured appendix fifteen years prior. My left tube was left in by my ob-gyn in order to try and save something so I could still try to get pregnant on my own.

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Mother to John Matthew Ennis, 6lbs, 6oz., 22in. Long
November 28th, 2009-November 29th, 2009
Great Mills, Maryland

My husband and I began to build our family in 1999. He’d just finished flight school in Pensacola, Florida and we were headed to North Carolina for several years of duty. It was a perfect time to start a family.

Life happened. Things didn’t go as planned. We tried on our own for about 2 years and realized that we might need to look into some help as nothing was working. We saw several specialists and I went through several procedures (and he deployments) over the course of the next 4 years and no pregnancy still. The main diagnosis was unexplained infertility, though in one of the many procedures I’d had, mild endometriosis was found and various doctors wavered back and forth on whether that had any effect on my infertility. It didn’t matter; by that time, we had already had several IUIs and were essentially told IVF was the next step.

We were stationed to Maryland in 2006 and looked into various clinics. As we were about to start a cycle, John decided he’d rather adopt because he felt that was a ‘sure thing.’ A year and a half later, as the country from which we were adopting closed, and we were still childless, we turned back to IVF and miraculously got pregnant in March of 2009!

I knew Matthew was a boy from the first ultrasound at 6 weeks! Even when others, including doctors, said he was a girl, I told them they were wrong. And they were. We were finally going to be parents and after over 10 years of trying and waiting faithfully, we had been blessed with our miracle son.

It was a relatively easy pregnancy. At Matthew’s anatomy scan at 20 weeks, the doctor only saw one kidney. This worried me at first, but it is actually very common to have only one kidney and as long as it is a good and functioning kidney, all is fine. It was, though we continued to be heavily monitored for his growth, any other possible problems and my reassurance!

In honesty, though, I felt invincible. Matthew was our promised blessing and I KNEW he was going to be fine. I never, ever doubted that.

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Mom to Lillian Grace
June 27th, 2010-June 27th, 2010
Wichita, KS

My husband & I found out last year that if we wanted a biological child our only option would be IVF. We began treatment in January of this year; our prayers were answered when we got our first BFP in February & we cherished every minute of my pregnancy knowing we may never get to experience this again. Sadly our world was forever changed 3 weeks ago on June 27, 2010 when at 22wks 6 days into my pregnancy I went into premature labor. Here is our daughter Lillian Grace’s birth story which I wrote for my blog the day after her birth…
As I was driving back from a weekend in Kansas City to Wichita I began to feel some lower back pain, it didn’t worry me too much initially because as most of you know back pain is a normal part of pregnancy. I soon started to feel concerned when the back pain began to come & go in waves; I decided to stop at the next rest area, thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom I would feel better. When I went into the restroom I saw that I had begun to bleed. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was traveling alone, in the middle of no where in Kansas & completely unaware of the nearest hospital. I quickly got back into the car, tried to pull up information on the closest hospital in my GPS & called my husband. Unsure of what to do I got back onto the interstate & began driving towards Emporia, which was about 30 miles away & my closest hope for a hospital. I don’t think I’ve every prayed so hard in my life & thankfully after about 10 minutes into the drive I spotted a Sheriff & Patrol officer in the middle of the interstate. I quickly pulled over to where they were sitting & told them what was happening. They called an ambulance & from there I was transported to Emporia Hospital. I was promptly hooked up to an IV & given oxygen, at this point it was becoming obvious that the back pain I was feeling was indeed my worst nightmare… contractions. En route to that hospital my water broke. At this point I knew that in all likelihood the worst possible case scenario was going to happen & felt the most horrific sense of hopelessness & loss of control I have ever experienced.
Nick was able to make it to Emporia to be with me shortly after my arrival there. After being evaluated at this hospital they quickly determined I needed to be transported to Wesley Medical Center in our hometown of Wichita due to the severe prematurity of the labor. The doctor at that hospital was able to pick up a heartbeat on the baby & started me on antibiotics in the hope they could stop labor. She explained that if I was able to make it to 24 wks (which is considered viability) then they would start me on steroids to try & help baby develop quicker, but if my contractions returned they would not stop them. She also discussed the grim reality that 90% of the time once your membrane ruptures you will deliver within 10 days (most much earlier) & even if we got another week before her birth Lillian’s chances of survival, especially her quality of life would be bleak.

I was then placed into another ambulance & had to endure the 70 minute drive to Wichita. I was blessed to have an incredibly kind & compassionate EMT with me along the way, it was by far the most difficult ride of my life. The contractions began to get worse & all I could do was continue to pray that God let us get to the hospital before the baby was born. By the time we arrived at the hospital my contractions were 2 minutes apart. I remember the nurses asking that someone get a doctor quickly. I recognized the resident that came into the room right away; she was doing a rotation with our RE’s office during our embryo transfer a few months prior. She literally was one of the doctor’s who put Lily into my body & now she would be delivering her out into the world. After about 20 minutes the doctor evaluated me & found that the baby was already in the birth canal & that when I was ready I could deliver her. With an incredible staff of caring people by my side & my amazing husband holding my hand Lillian Grace was born into this world at 6:17pm weighing 1 lb 1/2 oz. Her heart beat for just a few minutes & then as quickly as she came she left us. Giving birth to a baby I knew wouldn’t survive took every ounce of my strength and was the most devastating moment in my life.

There was concern I may need to go into surgery initially as the placenta was taking a little longer to be expelled. Thankfully after about 30 minutes I was able to deliver the placenta. We were given several hours with our little girl to hold her & talk to her. In the most awful moments of our lives we were blessed to meet Erin of Baby Bloom Photography; she is a photographer who works with families in our situation. She did the most beautiful photo shoot with Lillian & us. The nursing staff took Lily’s footprints & made us the most beautiful casting of her feet & hands. We were given a beautiful keepsake box with a few mementos to remember her by.

I cannot properly put into words the amount of compassion we were shown by all of the professionals who treated Lily & myself during the past day. It was a terribly sad situation & each one of the amazing people that came into contact with us at the hospitals & along the way treated us with the utmost kindness. The doctors are unsure of why I went into premature labor at this time; in all likelihood they said that situations like this typically are a result of an infection that we did not know about but a lot of the time the reason is unknown. Please continue to keep us close in prayer, we now embark on a new journey & pray that God continues to grant us the strength to get through what the future holds for us.

[Read more…]

Mother to twins, Logan Ryan and Brody McRae, January 31st, 2009;
and rainbow baby Wyatt River, May 31st, 2010
Lansing, MI

The story of Logan Ryan & Brody McRae:

I cannot for the life of me remember the time that anything happened as it was all a blur. I didn’t even know what time it was when I gave birth to the boys. Later on I would find out that Logan was born at 9:06am and Brody at 9:28am. I remember on the 30th, sitting in the Labor and Delivery room feeling somewhat OK. We were waiting on my blood results to see if my levels were going in the right direction. In comes Dr. R, the high risk Dr, and his team of interns. They all had very long faces and some would not look me in the eyes. Dr. R sat down and that is when I knew my life would change forever.
Dr. R in his calm, sensitive, compassionate voice explained to us that my levels are decreasing at a very alarming rate. It was diagnosed as HELLP syndrome. I was on the verge of having a seizure and possibly going into a coma and the only way to prevent this was to deliver the babies. There was no way around it he said. I immediately started sobbing and the next thing I remember was Jason holding me as the Dr’s sat there and watched us cry. Shortly afterwards they left the room and Jason and I just held each other and realized our dreams of raising our babies was going to be over in a matter of hours. In a blink of an eye.

Jason made the call to my Mom and my sister to come to the hospital as soon as possible and was choking back tears in the process as I sat there, holding my stomach, praying silently to a God whom I would soon be angry at to please save my sons life. Not mine. Theirs. This is the first time I have admitted this.

Our family was there in a matter of hours. I was immediately hooked up to an IV of Magnesium Sulfate. The concoction, I would learn would make me feel like death. I was given a shot in my cervix and given suppositories to start dilatation. Jason and my Mom were in the room with me when I was given this stuff. I was scared out of my mind and felt horrible on that magnesium. I remember that they were both on my left side, Jason holding my hand, my Mom holding Jason, both crying and scared themselves. My poor husband. I can’t even explain how it was to see my husband sobbing uncontrollably. It was literally the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. And so we waited for the contractions.
My in-laws went to get a hotel room, my Dad and grandparents all went home to get some rest because the Dr’s said I wouldn’t get contractions probably until the next day. My Mom, sister, and Jason were there with me the entire night. Poor Jason was so exhausted he passed out first. My contractions started. A pain that I have never felt in my life. A pain I should have been feeling much later on. Not at five and 1/2 months.

I do not recall this but at one point in the midst of my contractions, it was just my sister and I. Apparently I looked over at my sister and told her that I was afraid to fall asleep in fear that I would not wake up. She told me a few days later about our conversation and how she stayed up the entire night after that and watched my chest to make sure I was breathing. Be still my heart. My darling little sister was sitting there watching her sister suffer because of the babies in her womb that she herself helped create. My sister would later have terrible nightmares because of everything that happened that day.

The next morning. My contractions are getting closer together. I maybe had 4 hours of sleep. I remember I was laying on my right side, someone was rubbing my back because I was having terrible back labor. Then it happened. I felt a pop. My water broke. I knew it was going to be over soon. I almost didn’t want to even tell anyone so that I could just have a few more minutes with my sons alive and inside of me.

Everything from this point on was such a hectic blur. People frantically moving around me. Tons of Drs and nurses coming in and out. Finally my legs were propped in the stirrups, my dear Jason on my left side and my Mom on my right side. It was time to push. I cannot even tell you how long I pushed I was so out of it. I remember feeling every little bit of my labor even though I was hooked up to a morphine pump. The Dr kept telling me to push the button to administer more pain meds into my system. I didn’t want to. The least I could do was feel the pain. I did. I do not regret it, not for a minute. I felt him coming down the birth canal. I felt him come out. My little Logan. My nurse cleaned him off and dressed him and I got to hold him. I kissed his sweet little forehead and it was oh so warm with life. He then went into his grandmother’s arms where, two hours later, he would pass away peacefully. It was then time for me to focus on getting Brody out. Again, I felt every little bit of him coming out and honestly it felt like he came down the birth canal sideways because he hurt A LOT more than Logan did. My poor Brody was so bruised from the induction meds. I would kiss him and feel his warmth as well and went straight to the arms of his Aunt Noelle. Jason couldn’t look at them. He was so shaken and upset he fell to the floor. Our beautiful sons were alive this entire time.
I now was beyond exhausted at this point. The magnesium drains you of every ounce of energy that you have, it honestly is horrible stuff. I had to deliver the placentas. I tried. With everything in me. I just couldn’t. I had to have a D&C. By the time I came to from my operation the boys had passed away. I woke up hazy but saw the most beautiful site my eyes have seen. My mother holding my sweet baby boys. A site that I will never forget for as long as my mind holds onto the memory.

I was wheeled back into L&D where I would hold my sons for the last time. I kissed their heads and by this time they were cold. There was no more life in their tiny bodies. Everyone held them for one final time and said their final goodbye to their nephews, grandsons and great-grandsons. Our room was filled with so much love it was unbelievable. The nurse took our boys away and then Jason and I began life ….. without our sons.

The story of Wyatt River:

This is the first time I have shared the story of our son Wyatt River. Our beautiful rainbow baby. Everything was going so well with the pregnancy. Starting from the very beginning when I became pregnant with him after a flawless frozen embryo transfer of our last two remaining embryos from our IVF back in September of 2008 (which results in the pregnancy of our twins). Yes, two embryos were put into my empty womb. I had some spotting during my two week wait after my transfer and before my official pregnancy test that had me incredibly worried. However, I could not wait until my pregnancy test so I bought some home pregnancy tests that beautifully showed … I was pregnant. After such a huge loss of losing our twins, we were over the moon happy and ready to start this life of being pregnant again. This was in January 2010, a few weeks before our twins first birthday in heaven.

As I said, everything was going so well with this pregnancy. I barely had any morning sickness and he was growing big and strong. Of course this was before we found out he was a he. I had thought that he was actually a she to be honest. We scheduled the anatomy scan for May 4th, two days before my husbands birthday. We wanted to do something fun for the revealing of the sex so we decided to put the results in an envelope and take it to the cake shop the day of Jason’s birthday and put the color cake on the inside with either blue for boy or pink for girl so that when Jason cut into his cake … we would then know what we were having. It was incredibly hard waiting an extra two days to find out after my appointment at the ultrasound but it was so worth it. The look on his face and all of ours when the blue cake was revealed was beyond priceless .. something I will never forget as long as I live. We were having another boy. We started to buy more boy stuff, we bought a crib and a changing table, and we painted the nursery which never got painted when I was pregnant with the twins since I only made it to 22 weeks with them. We just knew deep down we were going to bring our baby home.

When I reached 22 weeks one day with this second pregnancy I embarked on the feeling of being the most pregnant I had ever been. Again, everything was going according to planned. That is until 22 weeks 4 days when I went into OB triage due to me having braxton hicks contractions and spotting. It was determined I had bacterial vaginosis two days prior and the medicine was making my cervix friable which was causing the spotting. This was on a Friday. I was told to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and stay on my meds for the BV. I did just that. On Sunday the 30th, I was feeling mild pain in my lower abdomen. I assumed it was just gas pains. Little did I know on the 28th when I was in the OB Triage it was the start of the end.

Jason and I spent Sunday the 30th being lazy around the house and getting ready for the following week. We decided to go get some ice cream. When I came home, as I said, I was feeling those pains in my lower region. I laid down on my left side think it was just gas and that it would pass. It seemed to go away. As the night progressed and we were getting ready for bed the pain returned. I was at my back door waiting for my dog to come in so we could go up to bed and I doubled over in pain. Again I thought it was just gas pain or possibly me on the verge of having a bad bout of diarrhea. I kept feeling the pain and it wouldn’t go away. I went upstairs to talk to Jason and call my Mom to see what she wanted me to do. After we all agreed to call the OB on call I did just that. See my husband was in bed because he had to be up at work the next morning by 6am so I went downstairs so that he could sleep and not disrupt him. While on the phone with the OB I told her that I was doubled over with pain but it felt like gas. She told me to take some Tylenol to ease the pain and lay down and if it gets worse to come into OB triage. She said to feel my stomach and if it isn’t getting hard when I feel the pain then that means that I am not in labor. I did tell her that it felt like I needed to go to the bathroom and have a bowel movement. I hung up the phone with her and tried to lay down in our guest bedroom.

I tried to sleep. I kept on tossing and turning because the pain did not go away. The pain kept making me have to go to the bathroom. I called my Mom and told her to come over so that she could take me into OB triage so that Jason could sleep. After I got off the phone with her I tossed and turned in the bed some more. I got up to go to the bathroom again and this time … my water broke. I will never ever forget the sound of it. I screamed at the top of my lungs for Jason to come downstairs. My screams would haunt him for weeks afterwards. I told him to call 911. By this time … I delivered our third son while I was on the toilet. Jason was still on the phone with 911. I had my phone in there with me and I called my mom and could barely get out the words that I delivered the baby and that she needs to hurry up and get here. I could feel myself bleeding. I looked in the toilet only once and could see his umbilical cord dangling from my body and into the toilet. I couldn’t see him. I think at this point I was screaming. Jason told the 911 person that I had delivered the baby, she told him to get him out of the toilet. He just couldn’t, he was on the verge of passing out. I told him to give me the phone so I could talk to her. I remember her asking me if I could get him out. I just couldn’t, I could not look in the toilet of blood again or else I was going to pass out. By this time the ambulance had arrived and she told me she wishes me all the best.

My Mom arrived at my house the same time the ambulance did. The paramedics came right into my bathroom where I was. They were trying to keep me calm. I couldn’t even move or talk I was so distraught. He kept asking me what time this all happened, how far along I was. I think I answered. I know my Mom answered some of the questions. They had to get him out of the toilet, I was leaning against one of the paramedics while the other lifted my son from the toilet, the cut his umbilical cord and I could hear my precious boy gasping for air. I will forever and always feel an enormous amount of guilt for not doing more for my baby boy. They immediately started to perform CPR on him and rushed him into the ambulance. It was now my turn to go. They got me onto a gurney that was in my hallway and out to the ambulance I went along side my son. I was shaking from losing so much blood. There were three men in the ambulance with us. Two were trying to keep my son alive and one was trying to help me and get an IV in me. I remember looking up and to my left and asking them if my boy was still alive. I remember them telling me he is such a fighter.

We finally arrived at the hospital. The baby was immediately taken to the NICU and Jason went to be with him, my Mom with me. I was taken to the ER where they gave me morphine for the pain and pitocin to help me deliver the placenta. I tried pushing as much as I could. All I could think about was my son in another part of the hospital. I asked my Mom who never left my side, to go check on the baby. One of the nurses told her to stay with me and she would go check on him for us. This is when Jason came into my room and then … I knew, he was gone.

I didn’t want to believe it. My Mom went over to talk to Jason and I heard her start sobbing. She then came over to me with tears in her eyes and I asked her, even though I knew he was gone, if he was ok. She grabbed my hand and started crying. I started screaming that this cannot be happening again, I did not just lose another baby. I could not believe it. I remember feeling the overwhelming thoughts of wanting to die so I could be with all of them. There was no way I could handle this again.

Losing the twins was earth shattering, losing Wyatt made my remaining world crumble at the very core of my being. Jason and I are somehow alive and breathing. How .. I do not know. I think the small amount of hope left in our hearts and the love for our sons keeps us going. We can still have children, we have to do IVF again as I was told yet again there is no permanent damage to me physically, mentally though, well, that’s another story.

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