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Charity

Mom to Apple and Poppy
 
Regina, SK Canada
 
April 2014 and April 2016

I never wanted to be a mom.  I have never even  really cared about kids.  Children were never part of my plan until I met my husband Joey.  He is a child magnet and a big kid himself.  He works with develeopmentally challenged children and is a caregiver by nature.  Once all of our friends started having children we made the decision to start trying ourselves.  

We both went for our preconception appointments and were given the all clear to TTC. We did a 3 month detox and I read every pregnancy book I could get my hands on.  We were ready for the next chapter in our lives.  I was already 33 at this point and Joey was 36 so we figured it would take us a full year to conceive.  We started trying in December of 2012.  Boy were we wrong about our timelines.  At the 6-month point I contacted my family doctor for an infertility referral because I had a feeling something was wrong.  Because of our socialist healthcare system in CANADA we waited another 6 months to see our first of many specialists.  No one could find anything wrong and we were recommended to start the IUI process. 

 

While we were waiting for my next AF we got the surprise of our lives with a BFP!  We were through the roof and couldn’t wait to share our news with our families as this was to be the first grandchild for both sets of our parents.  Our due date was Christmas Eve and our wedding anniversary is Dec. 21st so December was shaping up to be super exciting.  Everyone was ecstatic.  Our joy was short lived.  I started to bleed exactly one week from sharing our news at the 6 week mark.  Our doctors chalked it up to a “Spontaneous Abortion”  and said we could start trying again right away.  

 

We were determined to get pregnant right away so jumped right into an IUI cycle with Clomid.  It failed and gave me cysts so we were forced to take a few months off.  IUI number 2 with Letrozole was also a big fat fail.  It was around this time that it was discovered that my AMH was low for my age and could potentially be a contributing factor to our infertility.  We were advised to do IVF.  IUI was already more than we  set out to do.  We stopped infertility treatments and did nothing but the good old fashioned TTC for most of 2015.

 

In early 2016, we made the decision to find another doctor and see if we could attempt a few more IUI’s before we gave up.  While waiting to begin treatment on April 3/2016 we were once again shocked with a surprise BFP.  I knew something was wrong right away and demanded that I have Betas drawn.  After 2 fairly high numbers (that didn’t quite double)  I was told to take it easy and enjoy being pregnant.  I felt dizzy off and on and had mild right side cramping. I made it to my 6 week appointment and was told everything was okay.  They were wrong.  I started to bleed over the weekend but it was different than last time.  We had to wait out the weekend in order to see our family doctor.  She ordered an emergency ultrasound and our bad news was about to get worse.  The pregnancy was ectopic in my right tube.  We were referred to the ER and told the on-call Gyno would be waiting for us when we arrived.  They lied.

 

We spent the next 12 hours sitting in our local ER waiting to be seen.  Every now and then I was called to the triage to check my BP and make sure I wasn’t going septic. This was not how I planned spending my early pregnancy.  There was no time to grieve or feel what we needed to feel. That day April 19/2016 will haunt me forever.  By the time we saw the OB/GYN on-call (not the original doctor we were supposed to see) it was almost midnight and we had been at the hospital for over 12 hours. I was starving and thirsty as I was not allowed anything in case surgery was needed.  We ended up choosing methotrexate over surgery in hopes to avoid surgery.  This ended up not being the best decision as I ended up needing the surgery as well as the lump (my baby) in my tube never dissolved.  My badly damaged hyrdosalpinxed tube was removed in early June of 2016 in order to proceed with IUI treatment.

 

There is no happy ending to my story.  Here we are 2 years past that day and have yet to conceive again.  We ended up quitting fertility treatments a 2nd time as my side with the tube only managed to have a lead follicle 1 out of 10 attempts. Pumping myself with injections and drugs that made me feel awful with hopes that I would ovulate on my left side was no way to live. We quit all treatment as of April 2017 and have attempted to move on from life after infertility and early pregnancy loss.  Our story does not end with a rainbow baby.

 

I am trying to come to terms with my childlessness and figure out what my Plan B is going to be.  Every pregnancy announcement is still a kick to my heart.  Most recently my husband’s sister announced her pregnancy two weeks ago.  I haven’t been able to breathe right since.  She will be bringing the first grandchild in to the family.  My heart breaks and I don’t know how to be happy for her.

 

I hate being 1 in 5 and I hate that I am also 1 in 80.  I hate that I am part of the stats the unlucky ones. I turn 39 this year and have spent the better part of my 30’s trying to achieve an unachievable dream. 

 

Writing out my story is a small step in my healing.  The more people I tell the smaller the burden feels. 

 
You can email Charity here.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2018/05/8609.html

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Charissa

Mom to Finn Liam

January 24, 2016

Gardner, Kansas

Two years after we initially started trying, we wondered if we would ever be able to have a second child. In June 2015, we went on vacation to the Smoky mountains and visited Dollywood. After riding a triple inversion roller coaster, I felt very off, which was unusual for me because I usually handle roller coasters very well. The next day I took a test and was thrilled to see two lines — I was finally pregnant with our second child! My pregnancy progressed smoothly and uneventfully, and our 18-week sonogram revealed a healthy baby who danced his little legs around and showed off for us. We learned our baby was a boy. Over the next few months, we painted his room and re-assembled the crib. As his due date of February 27th drew closer, I unpacked the baby gear and folded the newborn clothes neatly in his closet, including a couple of “Little Brother” sleepers I had picked out just for him. I packed a hospital bag with a newborn-sized coming home outfit. I unpacked and washed the infant car seat and ordered diapers online. We were so ready and excited to meet our baby!

On the morning of January 23rd, I didn’t wake up until it was almost time to leave for my hair appointment. I was exhausted as I had been fighting a cold and sinus infection all week. It didn’t seem like my baby had been very active that morning, but then again I hadn’t been awake very long and thought I might have just missed his activity. He was usually most active at night around bedtime. I had an anterior placenta, so it was often difficult to notice his movements unless I was paying attention. I didn’t feel him as distinctly as I had with my first child, Jaxton.

After my hair appointment, I still wasn’t feeling much, so I went home determined to monitor his movements. At home I glided the home doppler over my belly. Immediately, the sound of his strong heartbeat met my ears and I relaxed a bit. Maybe he was just having a slow day or in a different position than usual. Lying on my side in bed, I attempted to count his movements. I tried shaking my belly to get a reaction. I was getting barely anything. I decided to go eat and drink some sugary juice to see if that would perk him up. As I ate, I noticed his feet were poking out in their usual spot at the top of my belly. We often played a game in which he would poke out his feet and I would push back in on them and he would react by pushing back or moving them. On that night, his feet seemed to be pressing out with more force and they remained that way despite me pushing on them.

At that point, I was getting really worried. I checked the doppler again and his heart still sounded strong. I sat in a chair with my 3 year old son Jaxton on my lap while he was watching YouTube videos. In retrospect he should have been in bed, but I was too worried about the situation at hand to go through our bedtime routine. Usually when Jaxton would sit on my lap and lean against my belly, the baby would squirm or kick in response. My husband Phillip and I always joked it was sibling rivalry starting early. That night, there were no kicks or squirms. I thought I felt a shifting inside of me. I grabbed my doppler, hurriedly rubbed coconut oil on my belly to help it glide, and listened again. Nothing but the sounds of my own body met my ears. At that moment, I truly understood the meaning of deafening silence. My heart raced as I searched and searched, hoping and praying that he was just hiding or that my doppler wasn’t working correctly. I frantically told Phillip we needed to go to the hospital right away. We grabbed our coats, bundled up our son, and rushed out the door. I didn’t say a word the whole way there; I just prayed to God to please let my baby be ok.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/01/8404.html

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Heather

Mom to Baby Girl Smith

October 23, 2015

Alexandria, Virginia

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day.

Last October 15th, I was blissfully, naively pregnant — as one should be — taking belly photos with my husband and dreaming about finally being a family of three.  After struggling with infertility for over 2 years, we were pregnant!  We had seen the baby!  And the heartbeat!  We were over the moon.

Little did I know, by that time, our sweet baby had already slipped away.  She was gone and I was none the wiser.  Isn’t a mother supposed to know when her child is no longer alive? I did not.  It wasn’t until a routine ultrasound on October 23rd, that my doctor would say the words that changed everything:  I’m afraid I don’t have good news.  And for what seemed like an eternity — I stared at the motionless screen, along with my doctor and the ultrasound technician — desperately hoping for some sign of life.  

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/10/8358.html

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Bronni

Mom to Odin Jimi

Born March 15, 2016 and Died March 18, 2016

Brisbane, Australia

Hi there men and women of the world. Thank you for reading, on the subject of the loss of a baby. I’m not going to lie, losing a loved one in any way, shape or form is horrible. It’s actually pretty shit… that is the best way to sum up the loss of a loved one in a few simple words. It’s completely shit. But to lose a tiny human that you’ve prayed, cried and taken many, many, many pregnancy tests for is beyond a feeling or emotion that I can describe. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/05/8247.html

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Natalie

Mom to Samantha Grace

February 25, 2009

Columbia, South Carolina

The news of our baby, the pain, labor being induced, together, this was too much for one person to comprehend. The doctor and nurses urged me to push yet there were so many questions. If my child is gone, what’s the rush? Why are they rushing when my body just isn’t ready?

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/11/7968.html

1Dominique

Mom to Elena and Baby

March 19, 2015 and July 8, 2015

Lake Grove, New York

After just about 6 months of fertility treatments, I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my daughter with my first IVF cycle in 2011. After threatened miscarriage and third trimester high blood pressure, my beautiful girl was born perfect in July 2012.

We had one snow baby left from that cycle, so I waited until our daughter turned two to start trying again.  This time, getting pregnant became even more difficult.  After the first two FET cycles were cancelled due to poor lining and polyps, I had a D&C and gave myself the holidays off to recover.  In January 2015, I had a successful transfer and got my positive pregnancy test in February 2015.  The numbers were low to start (HCG was 30), but they rose at a steady rate and from the time I saw the first heartbeat, I was in love.  I slowly began to believe I was lucky enough to get pregnant 2x in a row via IVF with no further complications.  My husband and I told all of our close family and friends and by week 8, we began to tell our jobs.  I have the apps in my phone to follow the development of the pregnancy and spent my nights before bed dreaming that my family would soon be complete.  I couldn’t wait for October 24, 2015.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/07/7805.html

Jamie

Jamie Lynn

Mom to Edward Malcolm Joseph October 29, 2013

Baby M #1: 11 weeks, July 2014

Baby M #2: 9 weeks, November 2014

Posterior Urethral Valves (PUV)

Ontario, Canada

 

Three years after marrying my amazing husband Michael, we decided to start a family. After a few months of unsuccessful trying, I had a feeling there had to be something wrong… I called my mom and luckily she knew a fantastic fertility doctor who could see me right away.

It was a pretty quick diagnosis – it only took one ultrasound to discover I have polycystic ovaries. We tried a couple cycles of Clomid and then opted for surgery to get my ovaries to respond. Two months later I was pregnant with our absolutely gorgeous and wonderful little girl, Halina. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/03/7633.html

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Meghan

Mom to Samuel (miscarriage) July 18, 2012 and

Reagan Catherine (born sleeping) October 31, 2012

Fort Mill, South Carolina

I married my college sweetheart on May 26, 2007 after dating for 4 years.  He was the love of my life.  Everything seemed to work out perfectly as we met in our first class as college freshmen and married 2 weeks after graduation.  Life was easy and going exactly according to plan.  We decided in 2009 that we wanted to have children.  I figured it would take 2 months, 3 tops.  And then we could share the joy with our families that year at Thanksgiving.  And then at Christmas.  His birthday party?  Maybe 4th of July?  Football tailgate reunions??  And on it went.  No pregnancy, month after month.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7347.html

IMG_1096Vanessa

Mom of Max Michael and Leo William

Born and died July 16, 2013

Boston, Massachusetts

My husband and I found each other when we were both in our late 30’s. We were ready to be married and we were ready to be parents. In the next 14 months (after our honeymoon) when we weren’t yet pregnant, our excitement turned to surprise and then soon to worry. I changed my diet (I’m a registered dietitian so of course this would help, right?) to follow the “fertility diet plan”, reduced my work hours from full to part time, started acupuncture, reduced my caffeine, reduced my physical activity to keep my heart rate under 110… you name it and I did it. My husband too, though all of his tests were fine, started reading about increasing his testosterone with cold showers, more cholesterol from food, etc. Basically, we felt like we had nothing to lose and if there were a chance it could help, why not?
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7334.html

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Elizabeth

Mother to Ruby Josephine

Miscarried April 2010

Parker, Colorado

My husband and I had been married for 10 years and had one son. We suffered through infertility treatments for years and with no success we gave up on another child. I began to focus on building the career I had dreamed of and just as I could see my career on the horizon, we discovered we were pregnant. It seemed typical. People always said, “as soon as you stop trying to get pregnant, it will happen.” Well, it had been two years since we had “stopped” so the pregnancy very unexpected.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7230.html

paint 3Shannon

Mom to Chase and Cayden

December 22, 2012

Brooklyn, New York

At 20 weeks, December 22, 2012, I lost my twin boys. Two days prior to going into preterm labor, I noticed a nickel-sized discharge with a speck of pink in it. I called my doctor and he let me know that if I saw more blood throughout the day to go to L&D. I knew in my heart that something was not right. I went to L&D that day and was given a pelvic exam, set up on monitors and assured that nothing was wrong and was sent home. Less than 48 hours later, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. to severe lower back pain and 5 bowel movements in 2 hours. My husband and I rushed to the hospital. I noticed that my pain was every 1-2 minutes and that it was probably contractions.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7227.html

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Amber

My angels:
December 29th 2009 – Loss at 12 weeks
May 19th 2010 – Loss at 7 weeks
August 8th 2010 – Loss at 8 weeks
May 1st 2012- Loss at 9 weeks

Oshawa, Ontario Canada

This is the letter I wrote to our 4th angel baby.

Three weeks ago [at time of writing] I took a deep breath and I peed on a stick. Before I could blink or even process a thought, I saw those two lines appear. My heart stopped, my heart skipped a beat, I started to shake and take deep breaths. I looked across the room at my beautiful little girl as she played in the dining room. I looked back at myself in the mirror and saw the tears streaming down my face.

I was in absolute shock. How could this be? A natural pregnancy!? The last time we conceived naturally was in November 2009. Back then Miscarriage was just something we had heard of, but didn’t know just how common it was. Nor did we ever think it would happen to us. We faced our biggest fear on my husbands 25th birthday in 2009, at the end of December just after our 12th week of pregnancy. I miss my baby every day and I have never fully recovered from that loss.
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7136.html

heather

Heather

Mom to Meredith

June 30, 2014

Saraland, Alabama

After almost 6 years of waiting, of doctor visits, research, tests, treatments, diet changes, and going off treatments, Jason & I finally saw that second line on a pregnancy test. i guess it was just intuition because I really had no reason to think I needed to take a test that day. We amazingly got into my doctor the same day. I was 5 weeks. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/6953.html

image1Laura

Mom to Francesca

November 25, 2012

We were in Inverness, Scotland enjoying out first family holiday and my period was four days late. Since returning after Isabella’s birth two years ago my period has always lasted 26 days so I thought something was up, but I simply put it down to traveling and hormones not going well together. I did buy a pregnancy test because that’s what I always do. I had the choice of buying a cheap one or the same brand one I bought when I got my first ever BFP with Isabella, for some reason I bought the expensive one, perhaps I wanted it to be a sign of good things to come. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/6752.html

WSP_1691Jenna

Mom to Allison, James, and Colin

December 31, 2012

Pittsburgh, PA

After one year of trying to conceive on our own, my husband and I turned to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  We quickly learned that I had PCOS and started medications right away. Four months later after our first round of injectable hormones, we learned we were expecting triplets!  We were overjoyed to be pregnant, but concerned about the potential complications. The next four months were beautiful.  We were able to see our babies at 9 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks and 19 weeks during routine high-risk visits. They were growing great, placentas looked awesome, and we learned they were all fraternal, so we didn’t have to worry about twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I grew quickly and loved every moment.  I was anxiously awaiting the day when I would feel the first kicks, instead of just little flutters.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/01/6598.html

Odette

Mom to Sylas

Lost May 11, 2012

On May 11, 2012 I gave birth to my baby boy Sylas. He was a few days shy of six months.  He was strangled by the cord.  I was unable to get pregnant, so I thought, due to undetermined infertility.  I had tried for 6 years with my ex-husband and then later with a boyfriend of two years.  I got pregnant from my lover and of course it was a complete surprise.  [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/11/6212.html

Candace

Mom to Scarlett
Born and died September 19, 2012

and

Aiden
Born and died September 20, 2012

Fontana, California

I felt like we had been awaiting these babies for over two years; with all the planning and hurdles we had to get through, this was finally going to be the big reward.  We were finally going to have these babies in our arms, only three or four more months to go. Then everything changed and we were in the battle to save our babies lives. We never thought this was the one battle we would lose. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/11/6173.html

Bethany

Three ectopic pregnancies:

January 8, 2009 (9 weeks),

January 8, 2010 (5 weeks),

and

December 13, 2011 (5w5d with a heartbeat)

Mercersburg, Pennsylvania

My name is Bethany Anderson. My husband and I live in a small rural community in Pennsylvania called Mercersburg. I am twenty-two years-old and my husband, Thomas, is twenty-eight. Thomas and I have been together for almost 5 years and we were married in August of 2011. We have a dog, which is like my child, Chino Taco Anderson. My husband has a son, named Cadon, who is now 6 years old. Although I wish he would be with us every single day, he lives with his mother and we don’t get to see him as often as we’d like. We were told the only way for us to conceive after our extremely difficult losses, was through in-vitro fertilization.   This is our infertility story. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6143.html

Samantha

Mom to nine lost children:

#1 Oct 2007: Miscarriage at 6 weeks,
#2 Aug 2008: Miscarriage at 5 weeks,
#3 June 2011: Twin loss at 8 weeks,
#4 Aug 2011: Miscarriage at 5 weeks,
#5 Oct 2011: Miscarriage at 4 week 2 days,
#6 Feb 2012: Miscarriage at 4 weeks,
#7 March 2012: Miscarriage at 4 weeks 3 days,

and

#8 April 2012: Miscarriage of a little boy at 8 weeks
Ended with D&C on June 6, 2012

North Vernon, Indiana

I was one of those girls who wanted a large family with a home of my own and a fantastic husband. Well, I got part of my wish: I have my husband Troy and an amazing little boy, Kyle, who we love so much. Beginning our family did not start out so easily, though. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6138.html

Kristina

Mom to Baby Mamott

Lost September 22, 2012

Buffalo, New York

I delivered my 16 week old baby on 9-22-12. I sit here in my bed, in pain, feeling like I’m suffocating…wondering how this could happen to me.

I worked so hard for this baby. Being a mother has been my only dream. I finally met the man of my dreams later in life, and we started to work on building a family. I’m 36 and after 6 months of trying to conceive, I went to a fertility specialist, only to learn that I wasn’t ovulating. We found the cure, but it took several months of going through painful procedures and treatments, including hormone injections. My dream finally came true! I was pregnant. ME! Good ol’ pregnant me! [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2012/10/6047.html

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