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Heidi

Mom to Avery Rose, Everett James and Elliot William

Miscarried January 19, 2016, August 8, 2016 and Born May 29, 2017 and Died June 3, 2017

Aurora, Colorado

I completely believed we’d bring Elliot home.

I think that’s what strikes me now, on his due date, a little over two months after losing him. There is this stark contrast between what I fully believed and expected would happen, and what has actually happened. And my mind and heart cannot fully accept that Elliot will never be coming home.

This is not only the story about losing my Elliot, but about losing my faith. I tried at first to write this story without the faith aspect, but it’s impossible. I am grieving and grappling with two losses: the loss of my perfect baby boy, and the loss of the God I thought would protect him.

I will never have Elliot back in this life. But I have whispers of hope in my heart that someday faith will be a part of me again. Perhaps it is still, manifested in the anger and disappointment and confusion I feel toward God. I just don’t understand. And I can’t tell the real version of my story without sharing everything. Perhaps when I share this story in a year or five years or ten years, there will be something beautiful to share about how God met me here and healed me. But today, only two months later, there is just love and loss.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/08/8518.html

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Heather
Mom to Maggie Lee
May 16, 2017
Meadowview, VA

My husband and I had only been married for 4 months when we found out we were pregnant. We couldn’t have been more thrilled. We were both a little older, I was 32 and he was 37 and we didn’t want to wait too long to start our family. I had the most amazing pregnancy from the start. I had no morning sickness and everything went just like it should. We went for our 20 week anatom scan and were very excited to learn that we were having a girl! All my dreams were coming true! Everything looked good with the ultrasound, no problems. The rest of my pregnancy went like the first half. Other than some crazy heartburn and going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, it was perfect.  [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/06/8464.html

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Jackie

Mom to Luke Patrick

January 27, 2017

Ontario, Canada

When I was ten weeks pregnant, I began to bleed. I didn’t know what to do, so I went to the ER. I happen to be an Emergency Room RN, and I trust my co-workers with my life, so where else would I go but my ER. That was how most people found out I was pregnant. Not the most ideal way to tell people, but nothing about my pregnancy was ideal. Luke’s heart beat was 170 bpm at 10 weeks, they had no explanation for the bleeding and he continued to thrive. I had many trips planned before I found out I was pregnant, so Luke traveled to Las Vegas twice, Wisconsin and Hawaii all within the first 3 months he was conceived.

I had horrible morning sickness all the way up to 20 weeks of pregnancy. Even up to the point of delivering Luke, I was throwing up. And the heartburn. I never knew heartburn could cause you to throw up until being pregnant. I was also having horrible rib pain. We were sent to a perinatologist after they found Luke’s kidney was slightly enlarged. They told us he had cyst on the back of his neck, and his kidney was measuring 4.5 and it should be less than 4. They asked to perform an amniocentesis. I refused. No matter what was wrong, I was going to have Luke, and I was going to love him regardless. They did blood tests, eventually everything came back negative on the genetic aspect. Scheduled an echo, all came back good. We were told that they would have more information at 30 weeks, and that appointment was scheduled.

I went in for my scheduled OB appointment at 27 weeks. I was miserable. My ribs were killing me. I had to pee literally every 15 minutes. My OB offered to take me off work but I wanted to keep working for a few more weeks. That night, I lost part of my mucous plug. Researched it online and saw a lot of people had this happen, it could be normal. I wasn’t able to sleep much that night, woke up at 7 am with period-like cramps. Took some Tylenol, was able to sleep for 3 hours. My friends urged me to call my OB. I told you, I am a nurse. I am stubborn. I didn’t want to go in. My OB told me to go to the hospital to get checked for peace of mind. I went, all the while thinking it was overkill. The nurses told me I was having contractions. They checked my cervix (ow) and did an AFP test. My cervix was closed, however the AFP test came back positive. A positive did not mean I was going to go into labor, but a negative test tells them that there is a 99% chance I would not go into labor for the next 2 weeks. The doctor checked my cervix then (double ow) and I was still closed. Ordered an ultrasound, my cervix was still long, however she wanted to keep me overnight. They gave me Terbutaline twice, and started me on Procardia to try to stop the contractions. In the morning, she checked me again (with the promise I could go home if it was closed) and I was still closed. Sent home on modified bedrest.

Fast forward to one week (exactly) later, I went to the restroom, on the toilet paper, bright red blood. Refusing to want to go to the hospital, I waited an hour. I wanted to stay home however I called my OB and she asked me to come in. I really, REALLY did not want to go in. The cervix checks were so painful. Thinking of Luke’s well-being, I went in. They checked my cervix (yippee) and I was 1-2 cm dilated. I was 28 weeks and 3 days. I couldn’t possibly be in labor. But I was. I was placed on strict bedrest. I put people on bedpans. I did not go on bedpans. I already told you I was going pee every 15 minutes. I’m not exaggerating. I was that annoying patient on the call light, even though I was trying to wait as long as I could. My OB told me I would be in the hospital for weeks. I cried. I couldn’t sleep in hospitals. I was placed on Magnesium. I was awake all night. At 6:45 am I had to pee so bad, but it was almost shift change so I decided to wait until my nurse came in. At 7:15 the OB and my nurse came in. He asked me if I was ok, I told him I had a lot of pressure and I really needed the bedpan. He explained that my baby was breech in the ultrasound from last night and he needed to check to make sure a foot was not coming out. Then, of course, the dreadful cervix check. I was 6 cm. He told me (while I was in shock) that they needed to do a c-section right away. I had sent my family home, I was alone. I couldn’t have Luke by myself. I was able to get ahold of my boyfriend and my mom, they were already prepping me. It was surreal from that moment. I couldn’t have Luke. The nursery wasn’t ready.  He wasn’t done cooking.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/03/8427.html

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Amanda

Mom to Ethan

September 23, 2009 – September 25, 2009

Waynesville, Ohio

I became a parent in the fall of 2009. The day held all of the joy and celebration I had anticipated, but equally present were the unwelcome shadows of sorrow and dread. My son was born with a Neural Tube Defect (NTD) called an encephalocele that was diagnosed in utero. My husband, Derek, and I were offered the chance to terminate the pregnancy at the time, but ending our child’s life was a choice we were unwilling to make. Instead, we knew that big things were in store for our tiny new arrival.

The months between Ethan’s diagnosis and birth were spent planning and praying.  We met with a perinatal hospice counselor who helped us develop a birth plan, and we met with our minister, who helped us find hope in the darkness that had settled over our lives. To find strength and comfort, I read through all 150 Psalms repeatedly, relating to their bipolar emotions, from anguish to jubilation, in a way I never had before. I was heartbroken and grief-stricken, but grateful for the new life growing within me, and confident that God would make something beautiful out of our loss.

When September 23 arrived, and Ethan finally made his appearance, I was overwhelmed with the love and wonder that is universal to motherhood. I admired his tiny fingers and toes, and I kissed his velvety pink cheeks. My husband, too, was over the moon with this miniature human who filled our hearts so completely. We welcomed many, many visitors, and proudly introduced Ethan to grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He lived for two and a half days, and during that time he was surrounded by nothing by love and joy. He impacted many lives during his brief existence, from the hospital staff, to strangers who heard about our story and prayed on our behalf.

Our rainbow baby, Tyler, was born almost exactly two years after Ethan. We now celebrate both birthdays the same week every year. We all miss Ethan greatly, and we realize that there is a hole in our family that only he could fill. We are thankful, though, that he is part of our family. Our time with him was a gift unlike anything else on earth, and he changed our lives for the better.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/10/8364.html

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Theresa

Mom to Adrienne Rose

November 10, 2013 – November 11, 2013

Glendale, Arizona

If I had to describe child loss using a word, my word would be painful.

And not like I broke my arm and it was painful or my pet passed away and it was painful; this pain is actually quite indescribable. You know when people describe their sadness and say they are “heartbroken,” well let me tell you, the moment I lost my sweet Adrienne, I literally felt my heart break. I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest. I felt like I couldn’t breath and I remember asking myself, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life without my child? I questioned my faith, I remember crying to my husband and telling him how sorry I was, and how unfair it was because I wanted her so bad. I loved her.  She had been apart of me, of us for 26 weeks and the only time I ever got to hold her in my arms, was to say goodbye. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/09/8337.html

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Rose

Mom to James Bentley

December 24, 2014 – December 25, 2014

Petersburg, Virginia

My story starts when I was 32 weeks pregnant. It was December 24th 2014 and the morning started like any other. I woke up, got my husband up and sent him to work and [then I] laid down across the bed to watch a movie. Out of nowhere, a big gush of water came out. I thought it was just pee; it was my first pregnancy and I was only 18 and I had no idea what was going on. I just ignored it and kept going about my day.

Well at about 8 in the morning I started getting sharp pains in my lower back. I thought it was Braxton Hicks. I mean, I’m only 32 weeks. How can I be in Labour? So I tried to walk it out. I tried to sleep it off. Well, at about 5:30 p.m. the pain got HORRIBLE so my husband rushed me to the hospital where I was admitted, sat in a bed and left in a room for an hour and a half. The nurse came in, said I must have pulled a muscle and told me to go home. I was in so much pain by that point, I was shaking and crying.

I left the hospital at 7:32 p.m. I was on the way home when I delivered my son at 8 p.m. in the front seat of my husband’s truck. James Bentley entered this world at 3 pounds 6 ounces 17 inches long and so gorgeous. I called 911 and returned to the hospital with my son where they told me he was fine for 6 hours and wouldn’t let me see him.

At 3 a.m. they came in the room and said he most likely wouldn’t make it through the night and had to be ambulanced to another hospital. Upon arrival they told me he had a hole in his throat the size of a breathing tube and that unless he made it 72 hours, his chances of survival were low. I got to really meet him at this hospital. I spent some time with him once they got him stable and I tried to lay down after knowing he was okay. At 8 am on December 25, 2014, the doctors rushed into my room and told me he was gone. Once they quit manually pumping his oxygen, he was done. Twelve short hours wasn’t long enough. The emotions I feel are unreal. It feels like a dream honestly.

http://facesofloss.com/2016/08/8331.html

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Melissa

Mom to Kara Chase

March 26, 2016

Glen Burnie, Maryland

March 26, 2016 was supposed to be a normal day. My four year old daughter, Kayleigh, had her first t-ball practice and my husband and I were excited to watch her. The very next day was Easter and I would officially be 28 weeks pregnant. I was happy that I would finally be in my third trimester with our second daughter, Kara. We were looking forward to welcoming her into our family in June. Kayleigh was excited to have a little sister. We were so happy. Little did we know that our entire world would come crashing down on us and it would turn into the worst day of our lives.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/07/8305.html

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Jackie

Mom to Richard Allen

May 16, 2016 – May 17, 2016

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

My husband and I found out we were pregnant on the eve of my 28th birthday. It seemed like the perfect birthday present and with each passing week, we felt that we were getting closer and closer to our dream of having a child. Every single appointment was perfect and I enjoyed a very healthy, trouble-free pregnancy. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/06/8268.html

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Bronni

Mom to Odin Jimi

Born March 15, 2016 and Died March 18, 2016

Brisbane, Australia

Hi there men and women of the world. Thank you for reading, on the subject of the loss of a baby. I’m not going to lie, losing a loved one in any way, shape or form is horrible. It’s actually pretty shit… that is the best way to sum up the loss of a loved one in a few simple words. It’s completely shit. But to lose a tiny human that you’ve prayed, cried and taken many, many, many pregnancy tests for is beyond a feeling or emotion that I can describe. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/05/8247.html

Tracy

Tracy

Mom to Alivia Jean

August 14, 2013 – April 5, 2014

Eagan, Minnesota

It was a Thursday morning. I could tell Alivia was still not feeling well from the night before. She would eat and throw up immediately afterwards which was unusual for her as she didn’t even burp up much. I decided I would stay home that day and take care of her while my husband Ryan dropped off our five year old son Landon at daycare and went to work.Throughout the day, Alivia continued to eat but was unable to keep anything down. She wasn’t running a fever. There were no signs of discomfort. It only seemed as if she had a touch of a stomach bug. The next morning she was still unable to keep anything down. My husband took a turn staying home with her and decided it was best to bring her in to the pediatrician. They checked her out and determined she had a stomach virus and recommended giving her Pedialyte so she would not become dehydrated. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/05/8227.html

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Amanda

Mom to Ivan Joaquin

March 2, 2014 – March 10, 2014

Port Lavaca, Texas

It was a Tuesday morning. I felt sick and I felt exhausted. I couldn’t sleep the night before because I had a weird feeling in my stomach. While I was at work, I asked my mom if she could get me some medicine from the store. I explained my symptoms to her and chalked it off as just getting a cold or the flu. Her first question was, “Well have you started your period?” So….. I thought back, and No!

Actually I was 5 days late! But, I had been known to have irregular periods so I didn’t think too much about it. Plus I take the pill, so there is no way that could be an option. So when I got home on my lunch break, there was a bag from the drugstore with Dayquil, cough drops and a pregnancy test. I thought, “Yeah right, there is no way, but she bought it so I will take it.” [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/03/8163.html

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Jennifer

Mom to Faith Elizabeth

December 27, 2010

Upstate, New York

Five years ago I became pregnant with my second child.  My husband and I were beyond excited to grow our family and to see our 3 year old daughter, Julianna become a big sister.

My pregnancy progressed as normal and I will never forget this date.  August 31, 2010 was the big day!  The day we were scheduled for our 20 week ultrasound and we would find out if our baby was a girl or a boy! This day forever changed the lives of myself, and my husband and daughter.

That day we learned that our unborn baby had a rare and fatal condition called anencephaly.  This happens early in the pregnancy and it’s a condition that causes the bones of the baby’s skull to never fully close, which exposes the brain.  Our baby had a severe case and was missing skull from the eyebrows upwards. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/03/8146.html

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Liz

Mom to Lola

April 26, 2014 – April 29, 2014

Santa Cruz, California

“There’s two in there!”

The midwife’s words, spoken at my first trimester ultrasound in October 2013, came as a delightful surprise. Never in the world did I imagine I would give birth to twins! My husband Kenny and I were very excited. We had suffered a miscarriage just a few months earlier, so we took this news as a happy, karmic reward. Twins don’t run in either of our families, but as I soon found out, identical twins (which is what we were having), aren’t tied to genetics at all. They happen randomly–when the egg splits in two after being fertilized–and occur in about 1 in 300 to 400 pregnancies.

Twin pregnancies, and especially identical twin pregnancies in which just one placenta nourishes both babies, are considered high-risk. While I was fearful about having this label attached to me, I felt more at ease as my pregnancy progressed. Everything seemed to be going okay. I was being seen approximately every two weeks, by either my delivering OB, or by the consulting specialists affiliated with Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital—one of the best hospitals in the nation. (Although Lucile Packard is located in Palo Alto, an hour’s drive away from my home in Santa Cruz, they fortunately have a satellite office/diagnostic center here in Santa Cruz, so I didn’t have to drive too far for my appointments.) And, starting at about 30 weeks, I had twice-weekly non-stress tests at the hospital in town where I would be delivering (Dominican Hospital). I was scheduled to be induced at 37 weeks gestation–on May 1st, 2014. I wanted to at least try for a natural birth, even though I knew that many sets of twins are delivered via C-section. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/01/8111.html

Nicole

Nicole

Mom to Brady

Ontario, Canada

September 4, 2015 – Septemner 12, 2015

My husband and I were married in August of 2012.  It was a great day.  We got married after three years of dating.  We also took our time and decided to be just the two of us for a little over two years before starting to think about expanding our family.  We were lucky enough to get pregnant in December 2014.  Meaning our first little one was set to be born just after our three year anniversary and right around my birthday. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/01/8107.html

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Deb

Mom to Samuel

Born and Died on October 1, 2015

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I married the most wonderful man and my best friend in September 2013. We decided we’d start trying to have a baby in January 2015, with the thought it may take awhile to get pregnant. I was so anxious and excited to get pregnant that I would take so many pregnancy tests. When I saw that first positive stick, I couldn’t believe it. Mark and I were supposed to take a vacation in Saint Martin in December 2015 and I remember telling him that I didn’t think we would be able to go. He said “why not”. That was when I showed him the positive test and said “Because I’m pregnant!” That was a happy moment.

I was so blessed not to have morning sickness or anything too severe. Smelling beer, charcoal grilling, and the dishwasher made me feel nauseous but that was nothing compared to some mamas. Mark swore we were having a girl because I craved sushi, couldn’t stand the smell of beer and charcoal grilling. Our plan was to not find out the sex of the baby. We all know that plans don’t really work out the way we intend though.

At 10 weeks, I bled. I bled a lot. I woke up early that morning and went downstairs to feed the cat and get some cereal. While downstairs, I felt something warm dripping down my legs which turned out to be blood. I thought I miscarried. I woke Mark and we laid in bed and prayed. I was so scared. I went in for an ultrasound that morning and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Our little squirming coil (as my husband liked to call the baby) was wiggling around and with a strong heartbeat. I was told I had Placenta Previa and was put on pelvic rest for 5 weeks. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/01/8101.html

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Jen

Mom to Rosalie Joy

November 5, 2015

West Lincoln, Ontario, Canada

On November 5, 2015, I had my baby girl. She was born at 39 weeks 3 days – beautiful, perfect in every way. She weighed 8lbs, 1oz. She was born at 1:05 am.

She died at 7:25am. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/01/8081.html

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Taylor

Mom to Bailey Marie

October 14, 2015 – October 15, 2015

Vacaville, California

March 8, 2015, the best day of my life. I found out I was pregnant. I took about 5 pregnancy tests to really make sure I was pregnant and once I realized I was and that there’s no way 5 tests could be wrong, I looked in the mirror and said to myself “you’re going to be a mom,” and I began crying with excitement. It is what I have wanted for so long, a family of my own.

My boyfriend was out golfing so I went to the store and got a onesie and wrapped it along with the pregnancy tests for when he got home. Once he opened the perfectly wrapped package we both just smiled, the most genuine smiles we’ve both ever seen. Our lives were beginning now. The doctor appointments began. Always a strong heartbeat and they always told me it was a big baby. My gut was telling me it was a boy. We had a gender reveal party to find out the sex, IT WAS A GIRL! [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/12/8070.html

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April

Mom to Emery Rose

October 20, 2015-October 21, 2015

Whiteland, Indiana

In August 2014, I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve and told that I likely would never be able to conceive a child again.  My husband and I accepted this and actually were not looking to have any more children.  At the time, we already had a boy 11 and a girl 4.  It was something we just took off of our radar and continued on.

In April of 2015, I discovered I was pregnant. We were shocked and nervous, but I was still so excited.  The day I found out I was pregnant I went in for blood work.  The very next day the doctor’s office called and said that I had very low progesterone.  I remember the nurse asking, “Are you bleeding, spotting or cramping?”  I told her no and that I actually felt fine.  She seemed quite surprised and said she would call in a prescription for progesterone and that I needed an ultrasound the same week.  The ultrasound confirmed what we already knew and they determined a due date of December 10, 2015.
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/12/8067.html

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Tina

Mom to Larkin Amelia

October 7, 2015

Philadelphia, PA

I am sharing our story because my grief counselor keeps suggesting writing as a way to heal. I am sharing our story for other mothers out there who might feel alone in their grief, too. I am sharing our story because I had a daughter, and I want people to know about her. I am sharing our story because the memories and love for her are all we have left to share. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/11/8023.html

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Dominique 

Mom to Cameron and Oliver

November 21, 2014

Homosassa, Florida

Cameron Wesley was a miracle baby. He was my second pregnancy, I was diagnosed with placenta previa and doctors told me I would have a c-section, which frightened me. Around 30 weeks, my placenta had moved and everything started to turn. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/11/7998.html

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