Mom to Liam James
March 25, 2014 – May 28, 2014
Las Vegas, Nevada
Mom to Liam James
March 25, 2014 – May 28, 2014
Las Vegas, Nevada
Mom to Miles John
September 13, 2012 – September 17, 2012
Grand Rapids, Michigan
My husband and I decided to start a family in January of 2011. I promptly went off the pill and hoped that I would get pregnant quickly. It took about a year for me to finally get a positive reading, and 4 short weeks after that happened, I found out I was having a miscarriage. That was January 2012. Things weren’t progressing on their own, so I had a D&C on January 11, 2012. I was devastated and convinced the only thing that would take away the pain was getting pregnant again as soon as possible. So, in April, when we could try again, my husband and I went to Europe on vacation and the day we returned home I took another test and found out I was pregnant for the second time. [Read more…]
Mom to Angel, born and died November 11, 2005,
Enoch James, born and died May 6, 2006,
Joshua Logan, born and died April 1, 2007
I will never forget when I first found out I was pregnant. We had thought we were pregnant the month before, even though we were not trying and had not planned on having kids for a while. We ended up being disappointed when we found out that we were not pregnant. After that we decided we would stop birth control and see what would happen. We did not expect to get pregnant so fast, but one month later, on a Sunday morning, I tested and sure enough, I was pregnant. We were so excited we could not wait to share with everyone. We called our parents and even announced it at church. We had so many hopes and dreams. We began thinking of names, of course I know at one month it is early for that, but we could not help ourselves because we were so excited. It was in late October when found out. Early November all the Christmas stuff was out and we were so excited. We bought bears because we wanted to do bears for the baby and were going to do bears for a nursery even. There were so many hope and dreams pinned on this new life coming into this world. Our first baby. I am sure some of you can relate to this. Life was great so it seemed. One day, a month in, I began to spot. I called the doctor, who had me come right in. They did a sonogram and said baby was either not as far along as we thought or we had lost it and it was no longer developing. My heart sank. I was so upset and shocked. It was the day before our one year anniversary. They sent me home and said time will tell. Of course by that night the bleeding got worse, and when I went to the restroom at a school dace that my husband was DJ at, it happened. I passed a large clot of stuff and knew it was our baby. It was all I could do to hold it together to get through the night. On a side note, it was my choice that my husband went ahead and did the dance; he would have canceled, but I chose not for him to. None the less, God gave us this precious little life…how in the world could we have been ready for this little life to be taken away in just one month? [Read more…]
Mom to Stella Grace
Born at 23 weeks + 4 Days
December 23rd, 2010
Asheville, North Carolina
My husband, Trey, and I were married August 8, 1998 after almost 8 years of dating. I think we both knew deep down we wanted to get married long before the question was ever popped, but we weren’t certain we wanted to commit to such a “grown up” act. Over the years we’ve experienced many ups and downs, like watching our dogs die from cancer, him suddenly developing Epilepsy and me battling my own health issues with undiagnosed Celiac Disease, but for the most part we counted ourselves lucky living a charmed life. [Read more…]
Mother to Julia Isabel
April 13 – April 14, 2011
When my partner came back from a couple of months of studying in Spain in July 2008, we started trying to have a baby. Along the way to getting pregnant, we got married and bought a house with good space for kids and a nice yard. We had a lot of patience and did not go see a doctor for a fertility work-up until we had been trying for 16 months. In the end, we had to do IVF to get pregnant. [Read more…]
Everything else had gone so slow but those last seven days went to fast. We stopped all medical intervention that had been supporting her life and focused on making her comfortable. Tommy and I took those last days to tell her our stories, hopes and dreams. We prepared ourselves as best we could for what was coming and called on our family and friends to be by our side. We asked them to be our strength in the moments we fell short and to hold us in the moments we were weak. We came to terms with the fact that this was our experience and understood that our world would never be the same. She took her last breath in my arms on July 9th.
The months following Nevys death are a blur for me. My cries came from a place deep in my soul, and my sorrow consumed me. I felt as thought people looked at us the same way they looked at car accidents as they passed them on the highway. It was an expression of utter sorrow for us and sincere appreciation for themselves that it was not their car and being that had been demolished. I wanted to escape from everything, but I could not muster the strength to walk. As uncomfortable as it was, I had to lean into our support system and let people care for me in a way I could not care for myself.
People have said the most random things in an attempt to make me feel better. I know that most of it comes from a good place with strong intention, however; I would prefer someone ask me about a favorite memory then stumble on crazy statements.
It has taken me a long time to realize that even death does not dissolve the bond we have with Nevaeh. I am still and will always be her mama. I parent her from a different place than I parent my son who is with me physically. We honor her strength of spirt by sharing about her when ever possible.
My pregnancy was uneventful, typical first ultrasound and prenatal doctor appointments.
November 1 2009 at 28 weeks I went to my 3D ultrasound. We got to see our baby girl move and smile and even suck her thumb. Everything looked great.
November 2 2009 at 28 weeks I woke up with swollen ankles, my eyelids were even swollen. This could not be normal… I knew I had an appointment the next day but did not have a good feeling at all. I called my doctor and told them I needed to be seen right away. I was told a nurse practitioner was the only doctor to see me, at the point I did not care who saw me I wanted to be seen. I went in and they did a urine test (I later come to find out that I had 1+ protein in my urine…(protein in urine during pregnancy can be a huge indicator of pre-eclampsia.) We talked about my concern with Preeclampsia. My blood pressure was 128/90 which was my highest reading yet in pregnancy. Typically my blood pressures were 100/70 or 60’s…without any further testing…I was told… I was fine…I was young…I was sent home.
November 15th 2009 at 30 weeks It all began… I was laying in bed with ice packs on my head with a headache I would never be able to explain to anyone. Then came the vomiting. I called the doctor on call, explained my symptoms. I was told I probably had the flu and to wait 4 hours and if I still was feeling bad to come in. Within an hour I found myself on my way to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I knew something was very very wrong. I remember thinking that I was dying, I remember thinking how quickly I just wished to get there. As my husband pulled into the hospital… I had started seeing flashing spots/sparks and my vision started to go in my left eye.
November 16, 2009 I was 30 weeks and 2 days along. While checking myself in the hospital, I noticed I could not think straight or even pull my id card from my wallet, I felt like I was going to pass out. Upon entering my room, I began to vomit again. The nurse came in wearing a mask. Of course everyone was concerned about the swine flu. The nurse tried for about 10 minutes to find a heartbeat. Nothing…nothing at all. We knew something was wrong…all we heard was silence. In the back of my head I never in a million years would have thought that my baby was dead. I just thought…Just get a nurse in here that obviously knows what she is doing… I mean my baby just had a heartbeat not even two weeks ago! I called my mom and told her they could not find a heartbeat…she was on her way. The nurse said a ultrasound tech would be coming in to “get a better look.” When the tech came in we knew something was wrong. Not by the lack of a heartbeat sound…but by the way the nurse and ultrasound tech were acting. Nervous, on edge, jumpy. You just knew by looking at them, that something was horribly wrong.
On the screen we saw her in a head down position…no movement. I asked the tech if he heard a heartbeat, he said “The doctors will be able to have a better look.” Again I knew something was wrong but never did I think she was dead…I guess that as “a soon to be mother” a dead baby inside of you is the last thing that crosses your mind. My mom arrived, and my dad was on his way. When the doctor came in I knew immediately that we had lost her, because not only did a doctor come… two nurses came in as well. Very quiet…very slow. The doctor said “Laura your baby has passed.” My first thought was that’s impossible, there was no way, are you fucking kidding me? I looked over at my husband who was crying “no…no…” I began to cry…
From there my mind seemed to stop. It all gets real blurry from here…(every few months as I remember the events of that day I tend to fill in my story)
I remember suddenly a switch turned on… I was calm. I asked what is going to happen next, and was told I needed to deliver my baby. I could not believe it. I had to deliver a baby and I could not even keep her or see her cry or smile? I thought they would just suction the baby out…never I would I imagine that I would give birth to a dead baby. Those are things no one in life prepares you for or warns you about…things in life you don’t even think about. My mind was filled with 1,000 different emotions. The strangest feeling for me was…I was not scared...I did not care…I had no idea how sick I was and how sick I was going to become. I had no idea what time it was…nothing… I just wanted to go home and pretend this never happened, to pretend I was never pregnant to begin with. I wanted to erase all horrible outcomes from my head. I remember thinking “Ok ill give birth…lets get this over with…I want to go home…I want to go back to work…Ill just tell people to never talk about it…ill pretend it never happened…I was never pregnant.”
Blurry…its all so blurry. I truly believe now it was my body’s way (as well as Gods way) of taking care of me. Blocking any crazy emotions I had for the time being. I do not remember this part at all…I was told I was wheeled into a bigger room and right away was started on a IV hooked to fluids, blood pressure medications, antibiotics (because I was running a fever of 101), and magnesium sulfate (Anti seizure medication) My mom told me she never in her life saw nurses and doctors move so fast. I never once asked what time it was. I never asked what was going to happen. Never asked how sick I was or what was wrong with me. Never asked if it was going to hurt. Never asked how many times I would push, or how long I would be in labor…nothing. I was put on IV drug called Magnesium sulfate …It is a brutal drug.
The story of Wyatt River:
This is the first time I have shared the story of our son Wyatt River. Our beautiful rainbow baby. Everything was going so well with the pregnancy. Starting from the very beginning when I became pregnant with him after a flawless frozen embryo transfer of our last two remaining embryos from our IVF back in September of 2008 (which results in the pregnancy of our twins). Yes, two embryos were put into my empty womb. I had some spotting during my two week wait after my transfer and before my official pregnancy test that had me incredibly worried. However, I could not wait until my pregnancy test so I bought some home pregnancy tests that beautifully showed … I was pregnant. After such a huge loss of losing our twins, we were over the moon happy and ready to start this life of being pregnant again. This was in January 2010, a few weeks before our twins first birthday in heaven.
As I said, everything was going so well with this pregnancy. I barely had any morning sickness and he was growing big and strong. Of course this was before we found out he was a he. I had thought that he was actually a she to be honest. We scheduled the anatomy scan for May 4th, two days before my husbands birthday. We wanted to do something fun for the revealing of the sex so we decided to put the results in an envelope and take it to the cake shop the day of Jason’s birthday and put the color cake on the inside with either blue for boy or pink for girl so that when Jason cut into his cake … we would then know what we were having. It was incredibly hard waiting an extra two days to find out after my appointment at the ultrasound but it was so worth it. The look on his face and all of ours when the blue cake was revealed was beyond priceless .. something I will never forget as long as I live. We were having another boy. We started to buy more boy stuff, we bought a crib and a changing table, and we painted the nursery which never got painted when I was pregnant with the twins since I only made it to 22 weeks with them. We just knew deep down we were going to bring our baby home.
When I reached 22 weeks one day with this second pregnancy I embarked on the feeling of being the most pregnant I had ever been. Again, everything was going according to planned. That is until 22 weeks 4 days when I went into OB triage due to me having braxton hicks contractions and spotting. It was determined I had bacterial vaginosis two days prior and the medicine was making my cervix friable which was causing the spotting. This was on a Friday. I was told to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and stay on my meds for the BV. I did just that. On Sunday the 30th, I was feeling mild pain in my lower abdomen. I assumed it was just gas pains. Little did I know on the 28th when I was in the OB Triage it was the start of the end.
Jason and I spent Sunday the 30th being lazy around the house and getting ready for the following week. We decided to go get some ice cream. When I came home, as I said, I was feeling those pains in my lower region. I laid down on my left side think it was just gas and that it would pass. It seemed to go away. As the night progressed and we were getting ready for bed the pain returned. I was at my back door waiting for my dog to come in so we could go up to bed and I doubled over in pain. Again I thought it was just gas pain or possibly me on the verge of having a bad bout of diarrhea. I kept feeling the pain and it wouldn’t go away. I went upstairs to talk to Jason and call my Mom to see what she wanted me to do. After we all agreed to call the OB on call I did just that. See my husband was in bed because he had to be up at work the next morning by 6am so I went downstairs so that he could sleep and not disrupt him. While on the phone with the OB I told her that I was doubled over with pain but it felt like gas. She told me to take some Tylenol to ease the pain and lay down and if it gets worse to come into OB triage. She said to feel my stomach and if it isn’t getting hard when I feel the pain then that means that I am not in labor. I did tell her that it felt like I needed to go to the bathroom and have a bowel movement. I hung up the phone with her and tried to lay down in our guest bedroom.
I tried to sleep. I kept on tossing and turning because the pain did not go away. The pain kept making me have to go to the bathroom. I called my Mom and told her to come over so that she could take me into OB triage so that Jason could sleep. After I got off the phone with her I tossed and turned in the bed some more. I got up to go to the bathroom again and this time … my water broke. I will never ever forget the sound of it. I screamed at the top of my lungs for Jason to come downstairs. My screams would haunt him for weeks afterwards. I told him to call 911. By this time … I delivered our third son while I was on the toilet. Jason was still on the phone with 911. I had my phone in there with me and I called my mom and could barely get out the words that I delivered the baby and that she needs to hurry up and get here. I could feel myself bleeding. I looked in the toilet only once and could see his umbilical cord dangling from my body and into the toilet. I couldn’t see him. I think at this point I was screaming. Jason told the 911 person that I had delivered the baby, she told him to get him out of the toilet. He just couldn’t, he was on the verge of passing out. I told him to give me the phone so I could talk to her. I remember her asking me if I could get him out. I just couldn’t, I could not look in the toilet of blood again or else I was going to pass out. By this time the ambulance had arrived and she told me she wishes me all the best.
My Mom arrived at my house the same time the ambulance did. The paramedics came right into my bathroom where I was. They were trying to keep me calm. I couldn’t even move or talk I was so distraught. He kept asking me what time this all happened, how far along I was. I think I answered. I know my Mom answered some of the questions. They had to get him out of the toilet, I was leaning against one of the paramedics while the other lifted my son from the toilet, the cut his umbilical cord and I could hear my precious boy gasping for air. I will forever and always feel an enormous amount of guilt for not doing more for my baby boy. They immediately started to perform CPR on him and rushed him into the ambulance. It was now my turn to go. They got me onto a gurney that was in my hallway and out to the ambulance I went along side my son. I was shaking from losing so much blood. There were three men in the ambulance with us. Two were trying to keep my son alive and one was trying to help me and get an IV in me. I remember looking up and to my left and asking them if my boy was still alive. I remember them telling me he is such a fighter.
We finally arrived at the hospital. The baby was immediately taken to the NICU and Jason went to be with him, my Mom with me. I was taken to the ER where they gave me morphine for the pain and pitocin to help me deliver the placenta. I tried pushing as much as I could. All I could think about was my son in another part of the hospital. I asked my Mom who never left my side, to go check on the baby. One of the nurses told her to stay with me and she would go check on him for us. This is when Jason came into my room and then … I knew, he was gone.
I didn’t want to believe it. My Mom went over to talk to Jason and I heard her start sobbing. She then came over to me with tears in her eyes and I asked her, even though I knew he was gone, if he was ok. She grabbed my hand and started crying. I started screaming that this cannot be happening again, I did not just lose another baby. I could not believe it. I remember feeling the overwhelming thoughts of wanting to die so I could be with all of them. There was no way I could handle this again.
Losing the twins was earth shattering, losing Wyatt made my remaining world crumble at the very core of my being. Jason and I are somehow alive and breathing. How .. I do not know. I think the small amount of hope left in our hearts and the love for our sons keeps us going. We can still have children, we have to do IVF again as I was told yet again there is no permanent damage to me physically, mentally though, well, that’s another story.