Amy
Mom to Bethany Hope von Oven
May 3rd, 2009
Kathleen, Georgia
May 3, 2009 is a day I will never forget.  Although many of the memories are vague in my mind, I will never forget the reality of that day! May 2, was a beautiful Saturday filled with joy and laughter. I woke up anxious and exited to start the day. I was having a baby shower at our church and, although I was nervous due to the fact that I am not very fond of social gatherings with me as the center of attention, I was still elated.

The baby shower was beautiful and yet exhausting. By the time I returned home I had been gone a total of five hours. I was tired, swollen, hungry, and all of the other so called clichés very pregnant women seem to experience late in pregnancy! 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/02/712.html

Lanie
Mom to Jake and Sawyer
Jake, August 14, 2005 – August 27, 2005
Sawyer, November 17, 2009 – December 26, 2009
Atlanta, Georgia
 
I am a mother of four. Two of my children share a room down the hall from my room. Two of my children share a plot in a cemetery which is fifteen minutes from our home.

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!” (Neugeboren)
 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/01/665.html

Brooke
Mom to Briar
September 13th, 2010
Columbus, GA

Let me begin. This is the story of our first born son.

My hubby and I had been married a little over 4 years and we thought it was a great time to begin to start expanding our family.  We have so many amazing friends that are great parents, and we were excited for that time in our own lives.  We found out we were pregnant after a weekend we spent in Savannah, GA with dear friends. Brandon asked me to take a pregnancy test because I was feeling a little funny.  We had only been preventing pregnancy for ONE month, so I knew I wasn’t going to be pregnant. In fact, I did my business…put the little test on the counter and went about my business. Brandon yelled, “You might want to come here!” minutes later and I raced back to the bedroom.  What I saw changed our lives forever.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2011/01/634.html

Lisa
Molar Pregnancy
December 10, 2008
Acworth, GA

I always wanted my children close in age. 2 years apart at the most. I was so excited when I got pregnant and found out they were going to be 21 months apart. PERFECT!! Everything was going well, I had early blood work (around 5 weeks) because I was spotting. I had low progesterone with my son so I was started on progesterone just as a precaution. My hCG was doubling like it should so I was reassured that the spotting was normal.

I had my first official OBGYN appointment at 8 weeks, 6 days. I was excited for the ultrasound. To see that little heartbeat. When we got to the office they took us back to the ultrasound room.  It was the probe ultrasound, which is vaginally. As soon as the tech put the probe in, I knew something was wrong. I could see nothing. No sack, no baby, nothing. Just white. Like a snowstorm. That’s when the tech started asking questions. Were my periods regular? Had I had any bleeding. She then told me what I knew already, that there was no baby.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/10/546.html

Regina
Missed Miscarriage January 25th, 2010
Braselton, Georgia

Face of loss: From the moment I got married, my husband and I had started picking out baby names and had talked frequently about starting a family. I felt like we needed to wait a couple years and have some “couple” time, and he wanted to start right away. Fortunately for me, I won that argument and managed to hold off on trying for a baby for just over 2 years after our wedding in October of 2007. When our 2 year anniversary came, we really sat down and discussed what our “plan” was going to be. We agreed to start trying in January of 2010, but also decided that for the remainder of 2009 (it was only November and December left, after all), we would take the course of “not trying, not preventing”.
In mid-December, on a Tuesday, a few days before I expected my period, I had an episode of random nausea at work. I had never experienced anything like it before – I was sitting at my desk working, and then out of nowhere, I was convinced I was going to throw up on my desk. For the next two hours, I battled the feeling of “about to throw up any second”. I thought that was particularly strange, and the first thing that popped into my mind was “Am I pregnant?”. I decided to stop by the drug store on the way home and grab a box of pregnancy tests. I was so anxious that I took one as soon as I got home. It was negative. I shrugged it off and decided that maybe I just had a bad lunch. Plus, I had bought a box with 2 tests, so I knew I could take another one later if I still felt like something was different.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/10/475.html

Susan
Mom to 
Jordan Donise, July 27th, 1996
Alexander Michael, May 28th, 1997
Alisia Noelle, November 27th, 2009
and Gabriel Ryan, September 7th, 2010
Lilburn, Georgia

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/10/418.html

Cheryl
Missed Miscarriage at 6 weeks in June 2008
Atlanta, Georgia
I think I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. As an only child I was always older than my years I suppose. I vividly recall babysitting for various neighbors at the young age of 12 and imagining – hoping – dreaming that my life would someday revolve children and preparing lunches, getting the little ones down for naps, etc. It was a nice dream. 
Fast forward to my 20’s and life would no longer be what I had always known which, if I’m honest, was charmed. My father battled an illness and passed away when I was 25. My last remaining grandparent passed away two years later. My best friend died from cancer three years later and the straw, so to speak, was the unexpected death of my mom at the age of 59 in 2002. Suddenly I found myself spiraling out of control and into a deep depression  – a battle I finally won in 2006. I emerged with a renewed sense of hope and zest for life. I knew that it was time to get back to my childhood dreams and start my own family. Depression had stolen valuable years from me so I was 36 when I made this decision. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/10/413.html

Caroline
Mom to Cale Harrison
June 28th, 2010

Columbus, GA

It’s hard to write this story. All the entries on this site are sad, but it’s important for others to know they are not alone. And while Cale’s story is a story of loss, it’s also a story of love. While the ending is tragic I want people to know Cale’s story and know him as best they can. He was and always will be our first born son. His life, as short as it was, deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/10/396.html

Dawn
Mom to Luke Michael
April 7th, 2010
and Baby #2, October 4th, 2010
Atlanta, Georgia

  In 1987, when I was about 7 years old, I attended my cousin’s funeral. My mom had explained to me that my cousin, Amanda, did not have a normal brain and therefore passed away in her mommy’s tummy. I wasn’t phased by this information; rather, I was more interested in the funeral ending so I could go play on the church’s playground. Little did I know that 23 years later, I would be told that my son had the same fatal birth defect that claimed Amanda’s life. Lightening struck twice in our family.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/324.html

Jamie
Mom to Angel Baby
Miscarried on August 4, 2010 at 8 weeks
Canton, Georgia
I am the face of miscarriage. I am Jamie. I conceived in June 2010 and miscarried my Angel Baby August 4, 2010. I was 8 weeks along.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/274.html

Kimberly
Mom to Hudson Greer
Born January 9, 2009
Savannah, Georgia



On January 7th I had a dance class – a tap class I have been involved with my entire pregnancy. I had always heard that after exercise you should feel the baby moving after about 30 minutes. Hudson was always an active baby and I didn’t feel too much movement like I was used to. The next afternoon I went to the doctor to check him out and I sat on a heart monitor and listened to his strong heartbeat for 20 minutes. For an entire week I felt like something was wrong – I never felt the same amount of movement from Hudson. January 15th I was at work and I was getting too worried – I was asking some people about how I felt and they told me I was fine. I started to research and google anything possible. I started reading a story from a woman who went to the hospital and unexpectedly they could not find her child’s heartbeat. Her story continued with her wanting a C-section and the nurse convincing her to have a vaginal delivery stating that “this baby deserves a regular delivery”. I was sobbing at the story and immediately rushed to the doctor not letting anyone know I was there.



I arrived at the doctor’s office and waited to be put on the heart monitoring machine again. They had trouble finding Hudson’s heartbeat and I had to drink some Sprite. They thought that Hudson was moving around too much – they even used their little vibrating machine. Next I went into a room and spoke with the nurse practitioner and she tried to use the Doppler and couldn’t find the heartbeat – she said the batteries were dead. Next I was taken into the ultrasound room and I knew what I saw – I saw my lifeless child inside my womb.I knew it before anyone said a word. I just stared at Hudson wanting to see that little fluttering heartbeat. Then the words came. “I’m sorry I cannot find the heartbeat” – I looked into the sky. I was expecting this, but to actually HEAR the words….the nurse practitioner rushed to me and I couldn’t cry, speak,anything. I was all alone in that room – only strangers to comfort me.


I called my husband at work – and told him he needed to get there immediately.He rushed there and into my room as we both sobbed over Hudson. We were incomplete shock – never truly expecting this.


On a side note I have to let you all know something – I have always felt like having children would be harder for me than others – I knew deep down that something like this was going to happen. I have had this feeling for years;maybe a decade. I have never known anyone to go through what I did and I knew that there always has to be “that one” person that experiences it. I knew it would be me. Next I called my mom and she made the calls to my dad and sister. Everyone then came to the hospital/doctor’s office. The waited in her actually business office while my doctor examined me and told us about the decisions we had to make. I knew exactly what she was going to say because I remember the story I had read earlier. I had to decide between a c-section and being induced. I couldn’t do it- I couldn’t decide. We were probably there an hour just trying to make the decision. I wasn’t supposed to be deciding this – I was supposed to be deciding what to wear to my upcoming baby shower in Atlanta. The c-section we could have right then, but the induction would take a day maybe 2 or 3. I wanted the c-section. I knew I could not emotionally keep going back and forth to the hospital knowing what was going on. The doctor kept leaning towards induction and when I said c-section she told me to think it over some more. Finally we were all together and I said c-section, final answer. She took a sigh and then explained my uterus at 30 weeks versus 40 weeks and how at 30 weeks there are complications with future pregnancies and so forth. So, I then made my decision based on the future. I was going to have an induction. Apparently everyone seemed relieved at this choice.


The procedure began – I was given cervidil to open my cervix and then sent home with prescriptions for xanax, vicodin, and other heavy drugs. I only got about4 hours of sleep that night – waking up sobbing a few times not believing the events that had happened. We returned to the hospital at 8AM for my next dose of cervidil and were instructed to return at 8PM for my next round. We left there and met up with John’s parents and brother who came into town for support. We went to breakfast and then back to my parents house where I slept while they visited. Our dog Hunter stayed with me comforting me knowing that something just wasn’t right. I know that Hunter also mourned the death of Hudson. John’s family left while I was sleeping and then I just laid in bed the rest of the day. I did get up to take a shower and “get ready” for going to the hospital.


Around 5:00pm ( I can’t remember the exact time) I started having heavy contractions. I had been having them all day, but they were becoming more frequent and painful. It began to get exciting and for a moment we were just excited about having our baby and forgot about everything else. John was timing me, I was trying not to pass out, and my sister was calling the doctor. I wanted to wait until 8 when I was scheduled to go, but the doctor that was on call said we should come on in. John and I grabbed a few things and we headed to the hospital. I was having bad contractions the whole way and also sobbing because of what was happening. We made it to the ER where we were to check in and then taken to our room. Our nurse met us and I knew from her face that she knew what was going on. She cried with us and told us that together we would cry together and get through it all together. Nurse Julie was amazing and I found out later that this was her first loss to experience on the floor and she had called her mom beforehand and they prayed together for strength. She later told me that my strength is what held her together.


We made it to the room at around 8:30PM and then the anesthesiologist came in for the epidural. I had never really wanted an epidural, but I thought it might make things easier for me during this time. Our nurse hooked me up to the Pitocin which never got to work because I delivered Hudson at around 10:45PM. I pushed a few times and out came our beautiful 15″ 3lbs-2oz baby. He was absolutely perfect – literally. They took Hudson to clean him and then John and I were presented our son wrapped in his special blanket my mom made for him.Holding him I never wanted to let him go. We took pictures, had many copies of his feet made, his hand prints in plaster, and got a lock of his hair. I wish Had more time to prepare to make all of the memories and to get ideas of keepsakes to make for Hudson. I still wish I had more pictures and more things to remember him by. I do know of course I will always remember all the details of his birthday – they are etched in my mind forever.


It was so very hard to keep looking at Hudson knowing that this would be the last time we saw him on earth – I wish we would have had more time, but the more time we spent with him the more we were attached and the harder it got. It has been 20 months since that day and still it has taken me hours to write out his story because I have had to stop the tears. Not once during our experience have we gotten mad or angry with God – we know he has a purpose for everything. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t asked God why – why us? why Hudson? It just means that we are living the faith we preach – we are living examples of knowing that God give and takes away, but that we are to ever praise His name – (paraphrase from Job 1:21).

She can be contacted at kkhenninger@yahoo.com

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/257.html

Rebecca
Mom to Zoey Ellen Neal
Stillborn on May 14th, 2008
Winston, GA
In April of 2008 I was admitted to the hospital with severe respiratory problems.  My oxygen level was so low I was not able to stay conscience for long.  I was 24 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/09/237.html


Lauren
Mom to Matthew James Phillips
Born June 30th, 2010 at 21 weeks, 1 day
Columbus, Georgia
After taking 5 pregnancy tests and seeing positive results on each February 28th 2010, the shock finally started to tamper off.  I started bleeding on March 10th and panic set in.  My sister endured a loss at 20 weeks with twins and another at 26 weeks with a girl, and I was so scared I would endure the same fate.  I didn’t think I could handle it. 
After spending a whole day with my husband at the ER, the doctor labeled it as a “threatened miscarriage” and said everything seemed okay; they couldn’t explain the bleeding.  The bleeding stopped about nine days later.  I couldn’t go to an OB until I had insurance so my first ultrasound ended up being on April 15th.  I instantly fell in love with the little image moving around on the screen.  My baby was very active, and I was so relieved to see him.  My midwife put me on baby Aspirin because I have Lupus, but other than that, everything seemed alright.  She called him a “miracle baby” because of the Lupus.  Also, I had terrible morning sickness from March right up to delivery, and that was supposedly a great sign.  I really regret ever complaining about it because Matthew was definitely worth every minute of it. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/08/123.html

Rhiannon
Mom to Harper Grace
Born too early on June 25th, 2010
Columbus, GA


Our daughter, Harper Grace, was born prematurely at 26 weeks and 1 day due to preterm labor caused by an infection of my placenta and amniotic sac called chorioamnionitis. It is a very rare infection, only affecting 2% of pregnancies. This infection can be fatal to mother and child, the only cure is delivery. Most premature infants with this infection will not live long after birth.

Here is the story of Harper’s birth taken from my blog:
My hubby and I had been trying for over 2 years to get pregnant. We had finally given up on natural methods and were scheduled for an IVF in March. January was to be our “month off” before we started the IVF process. We decided to take a week and go to the Bahamas to relax. Two weeks later, I discovered that I was pregnant and naturally so. As you can imagine, we were in total shock and disbelief when we saw the positive pregnancy test! Our prayers had finally been answered, this was our miracle baby!

Up until my 25th week I had the most wonderful, uneventful pregnancy. My girl was healthy and I was loving it. Maybe my body took a little while to get here, but I truly felt that I was made to have babies. I was a part of a miracle, growing a life inside of me. A baby that my husband and I created out of so much love. Life was so good!

At 25 weeks exactly, on my birthday, I started spotting and cramping. We were in DC on vacation and were told by my OB to go to the nearest ER. They worked me up and decided that I was just having premature contractions since my cervix had not changed. We decided to cut vacation short and go straight home, we didn’t want to take any chances with our little one. The whole drive home from the airport I was having painful contractions about every 3 min. We went straight to our hospital and I was admitted. I was put on procardia and when I broke through with that, I was put on a Magnesium drip to stop the contractions and to get steroids on board. At this point, my cervix was still closed but I was 80% effaced. I was to be on strict bed rest in the hospital for as long as our Harper would stay put. Hubby kept calling me the “little red hen” sitting on my egg. I had no signs of infection, just an elevated white blood count. They were really not sure what caused the premature labor, maybe placental seperation, maybe infection…no real answers. We would just have to wait and see. The whole time I was in the hospital, Harper was doing wonderful…strong heartbeat, great movement. We were confident that she was a strong girl and that she would do well if she came early! I stuck it out on bed rest in the hospital for a week and then on Thursday night, I started contracting again…3 min apart. Friday am they put in the epidural. I was contracting hard core at this point and dilating. We were still supposed to hang out, wait and see, try to keep her inside as long as we could. Then we lost her heart beat and when we found it, it was extremely low (90’s). We decided we had to deliver her. When they broke my water, it was meconium stained (meaning fetal distress). This was the scariest moment of my life, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I didn’t believe it was real, how could we lose the heartbeat? She had been so strong until now.

I delivered our daughter, Harper Grace, on June 25, 2010, at 2:39 on a Friday afternoon. I could tell by my husbands face that she didn’t look good when she came out. I will never forget the look on his face that day, so sad, so devastated, so lost. The NICU team tried to resuscitate her but she was too weak. I can still hear the sound of them trying to breathe for her, the silence was so painful, I wanted so badly to hear her cry. I prayed she would be ok, I screamed. How could this be real? I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare…she was gone and so were our hopes and dreams. How could this be happening? I would have given anything for her and I still would to have her in my arms.
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/99.html



Katrina
Mom to Dylan
June 11th, 2008-June 17th, 2008
Norcross, GA

This is my retelling of Dylan’s 6 Days, taken from my blog. Though my memories grow more and more hazy, reading back through all of this still makes me tear up every, single time. Some days, I still can’t believe that this is our story and that our son died.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Our first son Dylan Gabriel Brooks was born at 6:25 PM on June 11, 2008. The operating room experience was, in one word, bizarre. The lights were all aimed at me like some kind of sci-fi movie. All the doctors’ and nurses’ faces were covered with masks. It felt like there were hundreds of them. They placed a sheet coming up from my chest to cover my line of sight. I assume to keep me from seeing myself cut in half as well. They let Justin back into the room.

The doctor did an initial cut to make sure I didn’t feel anything, and then he proceeded to bring Dylan into the world. Not 10 minutes after he started, they put Dylan up over the curtain so that we could catch a quick glimpse. He was 4 lbs 10 oz, a little gooey, alien-looking creature. Then they quickly whisked him away so that he could be evaluated by the perinatalogist. None of that was really any surprise to me. At 20 weeks gestation, we learned that Dylan had a heart condition known as Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome. Because of this existing condition, I was prepared for the fact that he would be taken away almost immediately. Meanwhile, I’m getting stitched up and rolled out to recovery. We had to wait about an hour in recovery for my blood pressure to stabilize (surprise-surprise) before they wheeled me back up to my room.

Justin ran back and forth between the recovery room and the waiting room, where a handful of our family and friends were eagerly awaiting the news. When we were finally back in the room, our guests all came in to visit and see how mommy was doing. Dylan was already in the NICU at this point. After about another hour, the perinatalogist came into the room to tell us her findings. Everyone left the room, and she informed Justin and I what they could tell from their initial screenings. She told us Dylan was VACTERYL and explained the condition to us. First, she told us Dylan had an extra vertebrae (V). A cardiologist came and confirmed the congenital heart condition, HRHS (C). Finally, and what ended up being the most serious of all his conditions, his renal (kidney) function was questionable (R). They still weren’t sure if he had 2 kidneys and whether or not they were functioning. Further screenings would need to take place when Dylan got transferred to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta.

Once our family and friends left the hospital, I spent the rest of the night in my room attempting to sleep off the pain. And Justin spent every chance he could excitedly walking over to the NICU to visit Dylan.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/70.html



Rebecca “Dee”
Mom to “Angel”
Lost to Renal Agenesis at 20 weeks on September 4th, 2009
Atlanta, GA

After eight years of dating, my husband and I finally tied the knot. I got pregnant the first time my husband and I even “tried”, on our Honeymoon in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I knew I was pregnant from the moment it happened. I just had a feeling. I took two tests that were negative, but missed my period and tested a few days later and got a positive! We were SO excited!!! My dream in life is to be a mother. This was the most exciting thing I have ever experienced in life (besides our vows & wedding). I was going to be a Mom!!! I didn’t have a single bout of morning sickness. Other than the occasional hormonal/sleepy/grumpy issues, life was good. I was eating a lot, walking a good bit with my husband. Planning, thinking, dreaming of our future and of our child.

At 12 weeks it was discovered that I had gestational diabetes. My OB found it so early that she decided that I must be pre-diabetic. Finally, after several weeks of waiting to find out what to do, a dietician called me from our hospital. She was amazing! She sat with my husband and I for hours and showed us how we could manage my new lifestyle. I was bummed about not being able to indulge in every craving that pregnancy enticed me with, but I knew we would work it out. I have so many people supporting me, my husband, my family, my OB, my dietician, my friends.

At 17 weeks we had our ultra sound for the anatomy scan, and we were so excited to find out the sex of our little baby. We were then told that my fluids were extremely low. We were politely ushered out and sent directly to a specialist. I first met with a sonogram specialist that didn’t have any good news, and then Dr. M, who had nothing to tell us but that my amniotic fluid was low and that I needed to start planning for termination. I was told that it could either be a tear in the sac (which may or may not repair itself), the baby could be lacking kidneys, a bladder or have some sort of blockage, or it could be a genetic issue. When I asked him what he would do if he were in my situation, his answer was “Well, I am not a woman.” We hated him from that moment on and wanted a second opinion. We weren’t scheduled to come back for several weeks to see if there could be any change in the fluid levels. I was given an alpha-fetoprotein (AFP) blood test to see if I tested high for chromosomal abnormalities. Dr. M then instructed me to basically be on bed rest and to not travel. I then spoke with my OB and she told me to “Go, take it easy, and go be with your family on vacation.”

I went to the beach the following week with my family. I drank a gallon of water every day, took it easy, kept my sugar numbers where they needed to be, and just tried to enjoy my time with my family, my husband, and the special little baby inside of me. I would stroke my belly and pray every moment that I had. I thanked God for giving me these 4 precious months with this baby. I begged God not to take it away from me. I just wanted to hold him or her while trying to decide who he or she looked like. I wanted it to all work out. I would do anything to make it work. I prayed knowing that there was a huge chance that it may not work out, and I tried my best to be optimistic.

When I got back from a week in Florida, I visited my OB to go over my sugar numbers and found out that my AFP test came back normal. There was nothing chromosomally wrong with my baby. I also got to hear its little heartbeat, and it was normal. It gave me so much hope. My belly even seemed to pop out a bit, I was officially 18 weeks and I was starting to show. Lots more praying, tummy rubbing and “come on baby” ensued…even my husband was in on it.

The following week, I was 19 weeks pregnant and met with another specialist in the Atlanta Fetal Maternal Medicine group, Dr. Y. I instantly trusted her. She gave us the horrifying news that our baby had a fatal birth defect, renal agenesis. Bilateral renal agenesis is the uncommon and serious failure of both a fetus’ kidneys to develop during gestation. Most infants that are born alive do not live beyond four hours. She told us that in our case it was not genetic, that it was like lightening striking– a stroke of bad luck. She hugged me. She gave me every bit of info that I needed. After speaking with Dr. Y, my husband and I felt very confident about how we needed to handle the situation, the loss of our baby, our child. This is where it all begins, or ends…

My choices in my state at 20 weeks with a baby with a fatal birth defect were to:

A. Continue the pregnancy, and deliver at the earliest that I could. Make funeral arrangements. See my dead baby, hold my dead baby.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/49.html

Penny
Mom to Ella
5/10/10-5/11/10
Lost to Anencephaly
Valdosta, GA

My husband and I lost our first child on May 11, 2010.

We found out that I was pregnant last August. We were very excited. My pregnancy was coming along fine. We had heard our baby’s heartbeat many times and it had been perfect. We were scheduled for our first ultrasound on November 26th- the day before Thanksgiving. I was 16 weeks and 6 days pregnant. We were so excited to find out if we were having a boy or girl, and we planned on telling our family at Thanksgiving dinner. We went in for the ultrasound Wednesday afternoon. A few minutes into the ultrasound I knew that something was wrong. The tech seemed to be focusing on one thing. She wouldn’t answer any of the questions I was asking. After a few minutes she left the room and said “I’ll be right back” I kept telling my husband that something was wrong- he kept trying to calm me down.

A few minutes later she came back in and bluntly said “your baby doesn’t have a skull.” I lost it. I am a nurse, and I knew that meant my baby had anencephaly- a fatal neural tube defect. Our doctor told us he was sure that our baby was anencephalic-but he wanted me to go for a more detailed ultrasound and to see a specialist to confirm it the next week. We spent Thanksgiving Day and the weekend crying at home alone. The following week I saw the specialist and the diagnosis was confirmed. We were given the options to have a d + e, induce labor early or carry to term. We chose to carry to term. We also found out that we were having a girl. We named her Ella.

Carrying my baby to term knowing that she was going to die was so difficult-but I loved being pregnant with my daughter. We were told that Ella may die before she made it to term, may die during birth, or shortly after birth. I began searching the internet and found that a few anencephalic babies had lived months. Ella was so active in my womb- she kicked and turned all day. She hiccupped almost everyday. We had another utrasound at 32 weeks to see how she was growing. Our tech was awesome this time. She let us watch Ella move around and gave us 17 3d ultrasound pictures of her. Ella was sucking her fingers, sucking her toes, playing with the umbilical cord-it gave me such peace to know that she was so content and safe inside. She was also breech.

At 39 weeks 6 days, we decide to schedule a ceserean for May 10th. Ella was still breech and I am so glad that we decided not to try to delver vaginally. That would have been more traumatic to Ella and I don’t think I would have gotten any time with her.

I was admitted to the hospital at midnight on Mother’s day. I am so glad that I got to spend this Mother’s Day with my daughter safe inside. I was so scared when they were getting me ready for surgery. I was scared that I would never hold my daughter alive.

Ella was born at 8:11 a.m. She came out screaming. It was the most amazing sound ever. She weighed 5lbs 9.4 oz and was 19 inches long. She was beautiful. She had the softest skin I have ever felt and the most beautiful pouty lips. Ella never went to the nursery. She stayed in our room and the nursery nurses came in our room to take care of her. We spent the day and the night holding her and loving on her. She was the most amazing baby ever, and holding her in my arms was the best feeling I have ever felt. She passed away in my arms a little after 4:OO the next morning.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2010/07/37.html

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