Amanda Trammel

Amanda
Mom to Baby T 
September 25, 2012
Texas

2 Pink Lines

It’s Sunday, September 24, 2012.  At 7 am my husband’s alarm goes off alerting us that it’s a new day. Since neither of us are morning people he rolls over and hits snooze. About 10 minutes later I rise knowing that if I don’t get out of bed soon we’ll never make it to church on time. I head to the bathroom as is my usual morning routine but today I open that box of magic wands and decide I better try again. Let’s just see. I’d taken one 10 days prior with the usual results but since nothing has changed I decide to just be extra sure.

Half asleep / half awake, I grab that magic wand expecting no magic at all. After all this has to be the 20th or so since this time last year.  Why should today be any different? I wait the customary 2 minutes and then…2…pink…lines.

I turn on another light because surely it’s the sun or a shadow or something…right?  

2…pink…lines.

I look in the mirror and think to myself, “Is today really the day”? The day when a 2 years of prayers culminates into the greatest gift I’ve ever received? My hands begin to shake and I tell myself to stay calm. Besides, if I shake this magic wand too much it may lose some of its’ wonderful powers. Powers that give joy where there was sadness, expectation where there was hopelessness. No, be very careful, you’re holding your future.

2…pink…lines.  

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2018/09/8730.html

 

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Charity

Mom to Apple and Poppy
 
Regina, SK Canada
 
April 2014 and April 2016

I never wanted to be a mom.  I have never even  really cared about kids.  Children were never part of my plan until I met my husband Joey.  He is a child magnet and a big kid himself.  He works with develeopmentally challenged children and is a caregiver by nature.  Once all of our friends started having children we made the decision to start trying ourselves.  

We both went for our preconception appointments and were given the all clear to TTC. We did a 3 month detox and I read every pregnancy book I could get my hands on.  We were ready for the next chapter in our lives.  I was already 33 at this point and Joey was 36 so we figured it would take us a full year to conceive.  We started trying in December of 2012.  Boy were we wrong about our timelines.  At the 6-month point I contacted my family doctor for an infertility referral because I had a feeling something was wrong.  Because of our socialist healthcare system in CANADA we waited another 6 months to see our first of many specialists.  No one could find anything wrong and we were recommended to start the IUI process. 

 

While we were waiting for my next AF we got the surprise of our lives with a BFP!  We were through the roof and couldn’t wait to share our news with our families as this was to be the first grandchild for both sets of our parents.  Our due date was Christmas Eve and our wedding anniversary is Dec. 21st so December was shaping up to be super exciting.  Everyone was ecstatic.  Our joy was short lived.  I started to bleed exactly one week from sharing our news at the 6 week mark.  Our doctors chalked it up to a “Spontaneous Abortion”  and said we could start trying again right away.  

 

We were determined to get pregnant right away so jumped right into an IUI cycle with Clomid.  It failed and gave me cysts so we were forced to take a few months off.  IUI number 2 with Letrozole was also a big fat fail.  It was around this time that it was discovered that my AMH was low for my age and could potentially be a contributing factor to our infertility.  We were advised to do IVF.  IUI was already more than we  set out to do.  We stopped infertility treatments and did nothing but the good old fashioned TTC for most of 2015.

 

In early 2016, we made the decision to find another doctor and see if we could attempt a few more IUI’s before we gave up.  While waiting to begin treatment on April 3/2016 we were once again shocked with a surprise BFP.  I knew something was wrong right away and demanded that I have Betas drawn.  After 2 fairly high numbers (that didn’t quite double)  I was told to take it easy and enjoy being pregnant.  I felt dizzy off and on and had mild right side cramping. I made it to my 6 week appointment and was told everything was okay.  They were wrong.  I started to bleed over the weekend but it was different than last time.  We had to wait out the weekend in order to see our family doctor.  She ordered an emergency ultrasound and our bad news was about to get worse.  The pregnancy was ectopic in my right tube.  We were referred to the ER and told the on-call Gyno would be waiting for us when we arrived.  They lied.

 

We spent the next 12 hours sitting in our local ER waiting to be seen.  Every now and then I was called to the triage to check my BP and make sure I wasn’t going septic. This was not how I planned spending my early pregnancy.  There was no time to grieve or feel what we needed to feel. That day April 19/2016 will haunt me forever.  By the time we saw the OB/GYN on-call (not the original doctor we were supposed to see) it was almost midnight and we had been at the hospital for over 12 hours. I was starving and thirsty as I was not allowed anything in case surgery was needed.  We ended up choosing methotrexate over surgery in hopes to avoid surgery.  This ended up not being the best decision as I ended up needing the surgery as well as the lump (my baby) in my tube never dissolved.  My badly damaged hyrdosalpinxed tube was removed in early June of 2016 in order to proceed with IUI treatment.

 

There is no happy ending to my story.  Here we are 2 years past that day and have yet to conceive again.  We ended up quitting fertility treatments a 2nd time as my side with the tube only managed to have a lead follicle 1 out of 10 attempts. Pumping myself with injections and drugs that made me feel awful with hopes that I would ovulate on my left side was no way to live. We quit all treatment as of April 2017 and have attempted to move on from life after infertility and early pregnancy loss.  Our story does not end with a rainbow baby.

 

I am trying to come to terms with my childlessness and figure out what my Plan B is going to be.  Every pregnancy announcement is still a kick to my heart.  Most recently my husband’s sister announced her pregnancy two weeks ago.  I haven’t been able to breathe right since.  She will be bringing the first grandchild in to the family.  My heart breaks and I don’t know how to be happy for her.

 

I hate being 1 in 5 and I hate that I am also 1 in 80.  I hate that I am part of the stats the unlucky ones. I turn 39 this year and have spent the better part of my 30’s trying to achieve an unachievable dream. 

 

Writing out my story is a small step in my healing.  The more people I tell the smaller the burden feels. 

 
You can email Charity here.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2018/05/8609.html

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Chelsey 

Mother to Three Blessings

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Most people who know me know I’ve had a miscarriage. What they don’t know is I’ve actually had what some people call two “chemical pregnancies” and an eight week miscarriage. Call them what you like but to me they are all my pregnancies, my babies. My first two losses left me confused and lonely. I kept them to myself and buried them down where I thought I couldn’t feel them. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to mourn because they had been so early and the doctor had even classified them as “spontaneous abortions”. Even typing that phrase out makes my stomach turn. They were my babies and nothing less. But that’s what I did. I hid them and suffered in silence for every day after. My third loss broke me and I grieved them all all at once. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/07/8507.html

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Jenny

Mom to Baby R and River Beth

December 28, 2015 and December 22, 2016

Spokane, Washington

We were so excited to finally be pregnant after almost 6 months of trying. It was November 27, 2015, the day after Thanksgiving, when that pregnancy test showed a positive line. I blurted it out to my best friend because I couldn’t hold the excitement. My mother-in-law met me at my office and I gave her a card that had the news on it. I had been planning the announcements for months, waiting for that positive test. We drove to Babies R Us so that I could find the perfect onesie to announce to my husband that we were finally going to have a baby.

Our first ultrasound at 6 weeks was perfect. We told my sister-in-law, the grandparents, the cousins and some of our friends. We celebrated Christmas full of glee and opened presents for Baby R.

At 8 weeks, 3 days after Christmas, my in-laws went with us to the ultrasound. I will never forget the words, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

That was the first time our world was shattered. My doctor ran dozens of tests. We already knew I had endometriosis, a bicornuate uterus, and low progesterone. What we didn’t know was that my endometriosis was stage 3 and everywhere. Or to the extent my uterus was bicornuate. With my bleeding disorder I couldn’t miscarry at home due to risk of bleeding out. The D&C was scheduled for three days after the news of losing our first child.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2017/04/8447.html

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Annaleace

Mom to Baby

December 19, 2016

Fountain, Colorado

This was my first pregnancy. My husband and I were so happy. We had been trying. I had started spotting two weeks before my first appointment. So like any woman would do, I went to the doctor. They checked the baby and did blood work with other kinds of labs. They said the baby was fine and I had a uti. So I went to my first appointment where they did check to make sure the baby was fine and I had to go for other labs and stuff like that.The hardest thing to hear is that your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat not just once, but multiple times. The doctor gave me no options and was really pushing for a D&C. I decided I was going to go the natural way. On January 6th at about 11:00 p.m. that night, I miscarried my precious little baby. I still have to go back to the doctor to make sure I passed everything. I have been in a lot of pain, physical and emotional. My husband has been a great support. I would never want anyone to go through this.

http://facesofloss.com/2017/01/8400.html

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Jolinda

Mom to Talaofa and Two Siblings

October 3, 2016, April 2016, November 2014

Honolulu, Hawaii

November 2014 I just reached 19 weeks. That very same day I had contractions and went to the ER. When I got there my water broke and I began bleeding a lot. The doctor told me my baby could no longer survive without the water bag to protect it and that I had to have surgery to terminate the pregnancy due to the fact that I had a vertical cut on my uterus with my previous preemie baby ( my miracle child), and vaginal delivery would rupture my uterus. I never got to find out the gender nor did I get to name that baby.

April 2016 4 months into 3rd pregnancy, I had a miscarriage.

October 2, 2016 [I was pregnant for the fourth time]. At 19 weeks and 4 days, contractions started and I went to the hospital immediately. The plan was to do a rescue cerclage if my contractions didn’t continue the rest of the night. The next day my hopes were shot and my contractions kept coming and I was 1 cm dilated. At 11:35 a.m. I gave birth to my son. It was too late to do a surgery, so we took our chances with a vaginal delivery and it all went well except for the fact that I lost my son at 12:35 p.m. When he was born the doctors asked me if I wanted to hold him or if I wanted them to take him away. I wanted to hold him, love him, and pray for him while we still had the time to spend with him.

My husband couldn’t handle to cut his umbilical cord, and didn’t want to hold him but I made him hold our angel baby. I knew he would regret not being able to hold him while he was still alive, and I’m glad I made him hold our baby. He died in his daddy/s arms, and I took him back to hold him. I placed him on my chest and kept singing a song I’d always make him listen to while he was in my tummy, hoping and praying for some sort of miracle. Tons of questions [are] going on in my head. Why me? Is it me?  What could I have done differently? Where is God when we need him the most? Why is he ignoring me and my prayers? October 14th we buried our angel baby in a cemetery called Baby Land. My mother-in-law had our bishop come over to give me a comfort blessing and all it did was help me sleep better at night. It wasn’t until October 28th that I finally let go of all the emotions I was holding in, stress and frustration triggered it all.

I went church Sunday and the talk helped me a lot. They talked about how we never understand why God works the way He does, but we have to trust that there is a blessing that will come out of it. He puts us through hardships to prepare us for whatever He has planned for us in the near future. He doesn’t let us go through heartbreaks without giving us a blessing out of it. I’m still waiting for redemption, but for now, I’m okay. For now, I’m focusing on me, letting my body heal physically emotionally, and mentally. Our babies were just too beautiful for Earth, and although they did not get to experience this painful yet magical place we call Earth, I like to believe they are in a much better, peaceful place. My favorite quote, “The road isn’t paved with perfection, don’t get lost in the journey, let the struggle help you discover who you really are.” May our angels babies rest in love. Never forgotten. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/11/8372.html

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Lindsay

Mom to Baby Cavagnaro

February 23, 2016

Cincinnati, Ohio

I’m writing this very soon after as a way to help me cope.  On Monday, January 18th, I left work early.  I was too tired to remain at my desk anymore and I could not understand it.  I had slept all weekend – about 14 hours per day – and had over 9 hours of sleep Sunday night to Monday morning (after a long nap Sunday afternoon) so I knew something was wrong for me to be this exhausted.  My work has their own clinic onsite so on Tuesday when I still felt exhausted, after another full night’s sleep and a four hour nap the day before, I scheduled an appointment.

I emailed my mother that I was afraid I was anemic.  I had been having a period, albeit a light one, for over two weeks and I thought this blood loss must be causing me to have at least situational anemia.  I went to my appointment on January 21st and the doctor explained it could be anemia or it could be a virus, but since I was a little sore on the right side of my stomach and bleeding we also needed to rule out a tubal pregnancy.  I peed in the cup with the full confidence of a woman who had been on birth control the majority of her adult life, and said birth control had worked. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2016/02/8132.html

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Dora

Mom to Baby

Went to Heaven on November 12, 2015

Budapest, Hungary

“I made you, but you made me a mother.”

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years when we decided to start trying for a baby. I was 19 and my boyfriend was 20.

I always knew there was something wrong with my fertility. When we first started dating, I wasn’t on birth control. We were using the ‘pull out method’ for 10 months and I had never gotten pregnant. I knew there was something wrong with me. We used birth control pills for one and a half years. I got tired of it, and I had awful baby fever for years by that time, and we started trying in May 2015.

After 6 months, I started to get impatient, and decided to visit my OBGYN. He prescribed me Clomid. I took Clomid in November 2015, our 7th cycle. I was supposed to see my doctor on the second week of my cycle, to see if my follicles were growing or not, but I could only see him a week later. When I finally had my appointment, the doctor checked my uterus with the ultrasound, and said that he could see a gestational sac! He showed me what he was seeing on the monitor, and I saw our baby for the first and last time. I was 2 weeks, 6 days. It was super early, and he had warned me that things could still go either way. But I didn’t care. I was so happy! I was smiling all day, and I felt so happy like never before.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/12/8031.html

Melissa FOL

Melissa

Mom to Six Angels

April 1997, December 1997, August 2000, March 2001, November 2001, April 2003

Pennsylvania

My name is Melissa and I have six beautiful angels in Heaven. I never dreamed I would suffer so much heartache. When you suffer a miscarriage during your first pregnancy you hear, “It’s common, try again. It just wasn’t meant to be.” You really don’t think much about it. Yes, it was heartbreaking but knowing it was so common, I still felt positive and hopeful. Then when I got pregnant a second time and miscarried again, we were told we could send it off for testing to see if there was a reason. So we did. When we received the results back, they stressed nothing was definite without further genetic testing; it could have been a fluke so don’t stress.

My first pregnancy, I lost the baby naturally. I started spotting at 8 weeks. When we went to the ER, there was no heartbeat, so I was sent home to let nature takes its course and miscarry. Our second pregnancy, I was 10-11 weeks when we had an ultrasound and saw that the embryo stopped developing at 7 weeks but my body did not miscarry it. So, I was wheeled into the OR for my first D&C. We know from the testing that we lost a little girl. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/10/7956.html

Heather

Heather 

Mom to Angel Baby and Angel Girl Baby

April 8, 2015 and August 6, 2015

Oconomowoc, Wisconsin

On March 7th, I took a home pregnancy test. This wasn’t my first test ever, but it was the first one that was positive. Scott and I had decided in December, when my birth control pills ran out that I wouldn’t renew them, however, we weren’t “trying.” We figured since I had been on the pill since my freshman year of high school it was going to take a while. Like a year. Well, we were wrong.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/10/7913.html

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Cheri

Mom to Two Babies

March 9, 2009 and September 4, 2015

Richmond, Virginia

It’s hard enough when you are terrified from the moment you find out you’re pregnant. Having multiple miscarriages makes it even harder. When you’ve tried for over 5 years to get pregnant after the first miscarriage, I think fear doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings you have during that time.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/09/7884.html

CXCJ6EWWHaley

Mom to Estelle

June 23, 2015

San Antonio, Texas

Eighteen and preparing to leave for college, I found out I was pregnant on June 20th of this year. To say the least, I freaked out. My boyfriend was with me when I found out, and immediately after I told my parents the news. There was much talk of abortion among some of my family, and adoption, but keeping the baby and not attending school was everyone’s worst nightmare for me. I think I knew right away I wanted to keep it.
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/08/7870.html

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 Andria

Mom to “Juliet”

April 30, 2015

Indianapolis, Indiana

Luke and I were expecting a baby on Thanksgiving Day 2015 (well, the 24th but my ovulation was two days later than a 28 day cycle so the 26th if being exact on Thanksgiving Day).  We were excited.  A little nervous maybe about cultural response to our big family, but so happy to meet another little one.  I was leery about the pregnancy though…I can’t really put my finger on it since I had normal symptoms and no abnormal ones.  I just felt like there were so many things that could go wrong (which has always been true of pregnancy) even though I’ve never been a nervous person while expecting a baby.  I ordered natural nail polish…that I didn’t like very much.  I got protein powder just for pregnancy which cost too much in retrospect.  I ordered a home use fetal doppler monitor so Luke and I could find the heartbeat and hear it the same time (normally I get to hear it solo at appointments because he is watching the other kids).  Worried pregnant lady things like that.  We tried to find the heartbeat several times, but at 9 weeks, we still couldn’t find it and that made me even more nervous because, even though the doppler I got was cheap, Luke’s education as a Emergency medicine physician was not and he knows how to use one.  I put it all out of my mind while Luke and I enjoyed some time away in NYC together without the kids.  Then I had an appointment on April 30th around 11 weeks after we arrived back home.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/05/7732.html

Jamie

Jamie Lynn

Mom to Edward Malcolm Joseph October 29, 2013

Baby M #1: 11 weeks, July 2014

Baby M #2: 9 weeks, November 2014

Posterior Urethral Valves (PUV)

Ontario, Canada

 

Three years after marrying my amazing husband Michael, we decided to start a family. After a few months of unsuccessful trying, I had a feeling there had to be something wrong… I called my mom and luckily she knew a fantastic fertility doctor who could see me right away.

It was a pretty quick diagnosis – it only took one ultrasound to discover I have polycystic ovaries. We tried a couple cycles of Clomid and then opted for surgery to get my ovaries to respond. Two months later I was pregnant with our absolutely gorgeous and wonderful little girl, Halina. 

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/03/7633.html

miscarriage

 Sonia

Mom to 6 living children, 8 angels in Heaven

February 2015

 Oxfordshire, UK

My last miscarriage was a shock. I was actively TTC with an 11 day LP and at 11dpo I tested and got a negative pregnancy test. The period started on 1st February 2015 and lasted until 6th February. [Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7504.html

-MaryEllen

Second pregnancy lost at 16.5 weeks
Third pregnancy lost at 6 weeks
Fourth & Fifth pregnancies lost at 8 weeks

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

My story, copied from my first blog post:

Med school in our early twenties.

Met shortly after that. Well, his last year and my first in Residency. On a medical mission trip in Costa Rica. Yeah, that’s how God started our life together… years with only a couple hundred miles apart but we had to meet a few thousand miles away.

First kid born full term, we were both 30; he was conceived after two months of “trying.” We’re thankful for fertility.

Human life is a blessing. We learned that in church (Catholic grade school for me, Sunday-school for him) and then again in medical school. When I dissected the hand in Anatomy, I really knew it. Only a divine creator could fathom something so intricately beautiful. And then on those ultrasounds, I really knew it. Finally, when you hold a perfect creation in your arms, it is true. What a gift.

About nine months later, we were pregnant for the second time. Miscarried at 16.5 week, baby number 2 had Trisomy 18. A blessing in disguise, they said. Better to lose her now, than later.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7379.html

Screen_Shot_2013-05-23_at_3.23.25_PMCydney

Mom to Baby Johnson

May 5, 2013

Frederick, Colorado

My husband and I had tried to conceive for 11 months before we got to see those two beautiful pink lines on a home pregnancy test. The emotional excitement and relief that we finally got pregnant was probably one of the most amazing experiences I had ever felt in my entire life. Five weeks after we got that positive pregnancy test, our lives turned a completely different direction.
[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7322.html

faceofloss(1)Christina

Mom to an Unexpected Angel

May 27, 2013

Charleston, West Virginia

October 2012- Our second little boy E was born at home, welcomed by Daddy, Mommy, and big brother D who was nearly 2 1/2. We knew this wasn’t the end of our journey, but for now we were happy and planned to have our third baby when E was 3 or 4 years old.

This time, we decided to use FAM as our only method of birth control. Since I didn’t get my period back for 10 months after I had D and had anovulatory cycles (until I completely weaned him a month before E was conceived), I didn’t bother with charting right away.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7248.html

55566_1429811347559_1939630_oKeilyn

May 2012

Marshfield, Missouri

I guess the only way to start this off is by telling you a little about me. I was 20 years old and sure of where my life was going. I always knew I wanted kids. I worked at a daycare 5 days a week, watched my niece as much as I could and even babysat other children just for the fun of it. So, I was beyond excited when I got a pregnancy test that was positive. It was April of last year [at time of writing]. I told my boyfriend and my immediate family. My sisters were so excited for me, the older who already had one of her own and the younger one who was ready to pop. They decided to tell the rest of my family by posting it on Facebook.

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7243.html

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Elizabeth

Mother to Ruby Josephine

Miscarried April 2010

Parker, Colorado

My husband and I had been married for 10 years and had one son. We suffered through infertility treatments for years and with no success we gave up on another child. I began to focus on building the career I had dreamed of and just as I could see my career on the horizon, we discovered we were pregnant. It seemed typical. People always said, “as soon as you stop trying to get pregnant, it will happen.” Well, it had been two years since we had “stopped” so the pregnancy very unexpected.

[Read more…]

http://facesofloss.com/2015/02/7230.html

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