Mother to Johnny Pickup Jr.
Sadly lost November 29, 2012
Parksville, British Columbia, Canada
Mother to Johnny Pickup Jr.
Sadly lost November 29, 2012
Parksville, British Columbia, Canada
Mom to Hope Allison
Lost August 11, 2011
My boyfriend, Brandon, and I met in kindergarten. We’ve lived in the same neighborhood for as long as I can remember. The summer before our senior year of high school we started dating seriously. He quickly became my best friend. We talked about our bright future together, getting married someday and having children in the future. Being stupid teenagers, we thought the pull-out method was an effective birth control. We were wrong. In April of our senior year of high school, I found out I was pregnant. Being only 17 and totally dependent on our parents, we were so scared. However, both of us have awesome sets of parents and after the initial shock, they agreed to help us until we could both finish school. We made an appointment with my OB/GYN immediately. I had an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and determine how far along I was. I was 6 weeks on the day of the ultrasound. My due date was December 21, 2012. I was scared to death, but I loved my baby more than anything already. I started researching everything I could to ensure I had a healthy pregnancy. I figured I was already one step ahead since I don’t drink or smoke and I never have. We started to get excited, despite my all-day morning sickness. [Read more…]
Mom to Daniel James
Born May 18, 2012
My husband Tyler and I decided to start trying for a baby at the beginning of 2012. We were excited and surprised to get pregnant right away! I took a pregnancy test on Sunday, January 29th and was thrilled to see “Pregnant”!! We went to church later that morning and were so thankful to God for the blessing of this new life created. I called the doctor the next day and scheduled my first prenatal appointment for when I would be 6 weeks pregnant. We had our first appointment and after we got the official confirmation at the doctor’s, we started calling and visiting our parents and siblings to share the great news. We asked them not to say anything until we got further along in the pregnancy, as I had already been reading a lot about pregnancy and I knew what the risks of miscarriage in the first trimester were. 5 days after we told our families, I started spotting a little bit. I called the doctor right away and she scheduled an ultrasound for me. I was so nervous going to that ultrasound, but breathed a huge sigh of relief and my eyes welled with tears of joy as I saw our little baby’s heart beating away. I got a picture to take home, and I was so amazed at how tiny, but how perfectly formed our baby was. I framed the ultrasound picture and kept it on our bedroom dresser to look each and every day. [Read more…]
Mom to Baby Kester
Born and Passed on February 17, 2012
It all started with multiple positive pregnancy tests three days before Christmas. I was beyond thrilled and I instantly started crying at the sight of those two pink lines. Naturally I thought of a cute way to tell my fiancé, so I wrapped the test up and waited until he came home. He was so excited and he was speechless. We had been trying for 15 months and were starting to get disappointed, but we got our Christmas miracle. I was told when I was in my early teen years that it could be hard for me to conceive due to being abused as a child, so I was ecstatic. [Read more…]
Mom to twins Jackson and Isabella
Passed away at 18 weeks and 22 weeks
D&E December 20, 2010
We live in York, PA where we have one of the best NICUs around. We know this because of our experience with our son, Wyatt, who was born 5 years earlier at 27 weeks gestation, weighing 1 lb 9 oz and measuring 12 inches long. There was no explanation as to why he was born so prematurely, other than the blood flow through the cord was not adequate. Every other test on me, the placenta and the cord…nothing was found. We had a lengthy stay in the NICU, three and a half months, but were able to come home and today, five years later, have a healthy thriving boy, our miracle! [Read more…]
Mom to Lily Sarah Ellen
Lost on August 31, 2011
Mountain View, CA
“There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
My daughter Lily went from living in my womb to residing forever in my heart on August 31, 2011. I was 14 weeks and 4 days pregnant. At the time I am writing these words, it has been nearly three months since I lost my baby girl, just about the length of time I carried her in my body. Many of these lines were lifted straight from the journal I started while I was hospitalized following her death. If it seems disjointed, it’s because it was written over a period of many days, during many different moods. It has been a difficult process, putting them to type, but one done in loving memory of the baby who will always be, to me, my first child. Not a “miscarried fetus” or a “hope of a baby that never was,” but my first child: a true, unique and beloved individual. My story is a tribute to her memory, and is written in the hope that it may bring both comfort to other mothers who have lost their precious unborn babies, and awareness to those who, having never experienced such a tragedy themselves, are struggling to understand the experience. [Read more…]
Mom to twins, a boy and a girl, lost at 18 weeks on March 30, 2006
Mila Louise, stillborn at 41 weeks on July 1, 2011
In 2004, when I was 27, my husband and I began trying to conceive. After months of not having any sign of a menstrual cycle, we were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. After many more months of brutally high doses of fertility drugs we finally got pregnant through intrauterine insemination. We were thrilled, however terrified at the same time because over stimulation of my ovaries caused me to become pregnant with quadruplets. At the suggestion of our perinatal doctor, we reduced the pregnancy to twins at 12 weeks. At 14 weeks and then again at 16 weeks my water broke. It was a gushing of fluid, but I thought I had incontinence and never considered that it could be amniotic fluid. On March 27, 2006, at 18 weeks, we went in for our level II ultrasound and found that neither baby had any amniotic fluid. Our baby boy did not have a heartbeat and our baby girl was alive but struggling with no amniotic fluid remaining. I had a D&E and began the journey to become parents once again. I was devastated, angry, and afraid, but we would not stop until we had our baby. [Read more…]
Mom to our baby girl, Rose
Lost at 14 weeks on February 15th, 2011
Thousand Oaks, California
My husband and I found out in December of 2010 that we were expecting our 2nd child. We were thrilled that our children were going to be close in age just as I was to my sister. We had our son Carter in September of 2009, and I was secretly hoping we were expecting a girl next. My pregnancy seemed much different the second time around. I was a lot sicker than I had felt with my son Carter, and I had constant headaches. Some days, I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, but as a full-time working mom I had no choice but to keep going. I kept reassuring myself that I would find relief soon in the second trimester. [Read more…]
Mommy to Lukas Allen Bradberry
July 21st, 2011
My husband Larry and I were married on July 10th, 2010. We took our honeymoon in early August, and the day we got back I stopped taking the pill. I had been taking it for 4 years. On February 28th, 2011, I found out I was pregnant! I was so excited, and kind of suprised it only took about 6 months. My husband was thrilled as well, and he was just convinced it was a boy! We told everyone right away, and everyone was so happy. I have a niece that will be 1 in October, and that was exciting because I was due early November, they would only be a year apart! I had a feeling from the get go that I was having a boy, but I told myself it could be a girl (I would have been happy either way!). [Read more…]
Mother of Jackson Thomas
February 2nd, 2010 – April 25th, 2010
and RyleeJane Hope
Lost December 13th, 2010, Due May 17th, 2011
Los Angeles, California
On our 3 year wedding anniversary May 27, 2009 we found out we were expecting baby #2…we were so excited and yet so scared we had a 13 month old son already. We had a rough pregnancy bleeding on and off until 19 weeks but once we passed that hurdle we were good to go and Jackson Thomas was born on February 2, 2010. He was beautiful and looked just like is older brother…we were so excited to have 2 boys 21 months apart…brothers so close in age…who would grow up to be the best of friends, or so we thought. [Read more…]
Mom to Bear
March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7th, 2011, my husband and I found out that the baby we were expecting on 8/1/11 no longer had a heartbeat. I find tears leaking out of my eyes as I write that. We found out we were pregnant in mid-November. Okay, well November 17th to be exact. I have all of these dates seared in my brain. I went to my primary care doctor on November 19th to confirm. My husband and I got married in October and started to try to have a family right away. We were so blown away to find out that we got pregnant during our first month of trying. It felt like an immense triumph. I waited until I was 35 to start having my family. That is quite a challenge in itself. Wondering if I was going to be able to conceive, worrying about all that could go wrong in pregnancies in women over age 35, all of that went out of my mind when that positive sign appeared. I had gotten pregnant and everything was going to be perfect. Little did I know….
In early 2010, my husband Michael and I were still on the fence about whether we wanted a second child or not. Our daughter Coral is a source of joy, but she’s also an energetic, opinionated handful. Could we deal with a second child and our time-consuming jobs? That summer, something just clicked and we decided that just as with our first pregnancy, we wouldn’t actively try, but would welcome a second pregnancy if it happened. In my head, I was thinking that December would be a nice time to try. That would give me six months to get things in order before embarking on this new journey.
Due to incorrect math on my part and apparent fertility, we found out in July that I was expecting. I was stunned, but I figured it was just Life throwing me a curveball, and I rolled with it.
Everything was progressing just as it had the first time. At 12-14 weeks, it was time for genetic screening. I like to be prepared, so we went ahead with the screening just as we had before. With the first pregnancy, our genetic test results came back fantastic! Stellar! Risk levels well below our age group for all conditions! I thought that good genetics would give us a leg up this time around as well, so at 11 weeks–right at the end of the first trimester–we called our parents and shared the good news. It trickled into Facebook so the next week I thought “what the heck” and announced the pregnancy electronically as well. I even told everyone at work, since I was (paranoidly so, it turns out) absolutely sure I was showing already as it was my second, and thought everyone must be talking already. Sure, by some counting methods we were still in the first trimester, but other counting methods said it was already the second trimester and we should be fairly safe by now, right? I’ve had plenty of friends who shared their news at that point and were fine. I was to be taught a very harsh lesson. What a difference two weeks can make. Curveball number two.
I am 26, my husband is 30. We were overjoyed to find out 2 weeks after our wedding anniversary that we were expecting our first baby!! We did not expect it to happen so soon, so we considered ourselves incredibly lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly. We do not know how two other people could be as happy as we were to be becoming parents. We knew that we were the happiest people on this planet, and we quickly began planning our baby’s arrival.
Then the night before we were getting on a plane to head to Florida, I just did not feel right. I had a tugging at my side and felt like some of my symptoms had faded so we went to the ER to get things checked out. They wanted to do an ultrasound but there was not a tech there at the time so they called someone in. We were in the ER for hours waiting on the u/s. When the tech did the ultrasound, they did not see a sac but thought that maybe it was too early. He told me to wait it out and if I felt anything while I was away, I should go to the hospital.
So there we are in Florida, supposed to be having fun in the Happiest Place on Earth and I just did not feel right. We went to the ER and they repeated the ultrasound and still nothing. I was devastated. I could not even stay on vacation. I arranged for an appointment at an OB for later in the week and boarded a plane to head home early. To make a long story short, they tested my HCG levels and they were not climbing. I was scheduled for a D&C a week later. So there I was one week later, sobbing in my Dr’s office waiting to end what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life.
Fast forward 9 years and we had been trying for 16 months. My cycles were crazy. I went months without a period and even had a period that lasted a few months. I wasn’t giving up but stopped actively trying. Then once again, we are in the Happiest Place on Earth and I start feeling really crappy. I have the worst headaches and am nauseous. I put it off as just being tired from a very busy trip but the feeling has not passed even after we arrive at home, so on Monday morning, before heading back to work, I take a test. In fact I even take 2 because I do not believe the first on. I was shocked but so happy. I told my husband and we both shared our excitement. I kept it quiet at work besides telling one person and we only told our families.
I went for my first Dr. appointment and all looked well. My bloodwork came back fine. Then we went for my 2nd appointment where we got to hear the heartbeat at 15 weeks. My youngest child was there and he was so excited to hear his new baby brother or sister’s heartbeat. Things were going well except for an occasional nagging thought that something did not seem right. I pushed it off as nerves because I am a huge worrywart. So off I went to my 20 week appointment. I dropped my kids off at school, which is also where I work, and everyone said they were waiting for their texts to tell them if it was a boy or girl.
I had my check up scheduled first so my husband decided that he would just meet me afterwards for my ultrasound. I went in to my appointment and my blood pressure was a little high, as it had been on and off throughout the first 20 weeks but was always told it was OK. I joked with the nurse that I wouldn’t mind being put on bedrest. She talked about the Dr. possibly putting me on a medication for that.
So he comes in and my husband wants to be on speaker while we talk about my blood pressure. He jokes with the Dr. that I need to eat better and exercise more. He and the Dr. joke for a minute but then he goes to listen to the heartbeat. My husband is still talking and I keep telling him to stop so that the dr. can hear. When I realize that he has been searching pretty hard I tell my husband to be quiet but he does not get it so I hang up. All I can do is stare up at the ceiling and hold back my tears.
At this point I knew that it was bad. He kept picking up my heartbeat which was racing. He says that he cannot find it but will call down to get me an ultrasound ASAP. He leaves the room and I am left alone. I call my husband who has since jumped in the car and begun the 30 minute trip to the hospital. I tell him what happened and just cry. Go figure that as I am talking to him, he thinks he is getting pulled over so he hangs up. I did not know what to do so I called my mom at work. I could hear her crying on the other end and telling me that she wished that she could be there with me.
The Dr. comes back in and says I need to go down to u/s right away because they are squeezing me in. So I have to walk down by myself, sobbing the entire way. I am met by 4 wonderful women who took my hand and tried to comfort me. I cannot bring myself to look at the screen or ask if it was a boy or girl. I only manage to ask when they think the heart stopped and they said 1-2 weeks before.
They walk me back up to my Dr’s office where my husband meets me. We just stand in the waiting room hugging and crying. We wait to see the Dr. and when we meet with him he offers me two options. I could deliver the baby or have a D & E. Immediately my husband and I both chose the D&E. I knew in my heart that I could not handle the delivery. Unfortunately, my Dr. does not do this procedure so he recommends a colleague of his. He arranges everything for me and I just have to wait for them to call me with my appointment times.
I have to drive home that day by myself. On the way home, I call into work where I tell my coworker what happened and ask her to spread the word to everyone so that I would not have to. However, I told her it was important that my kids do not hear it from anyone else.
By the time I got home, the other OB’s office called me with my appointment. It was a Friday afternoon and I was set up with a consult Monday morning and set for surgery on Tuesday. The weekend was torture for me. Those days were the worst of my life. We head to the Dr. on Monday for the consult, I cry the entire time. Then I had to go over to the hospital for pre-admissions testing. I could not look at anyone without crying, people must have thought I was crazy.
Then the next day I wake up and we get ready to go. My husband and I both cry the entire way to the hospital, walking into the hospital and sitting in the waiting room. Finally, they call me up and get me into a room to be prepped. I can barely get myself changed into my gown. Then one of the worst parts of the entire situation was when I had to sign off on my baby’s cremation. I could not even do it, my husband signed for us.
Shortly after they put me in a bed and got ready to wheel me into the pre surgery area. I have to leave my husband and I sob as he hugs me and gets on the opposite elevator of me. I cry the entire way up and when I get there. Dr’s and nurses give me sympathetic looks and one then comes to tell me that my husband will be right down. I guess they realized how important it was for me to have him there. He sits with me until I get my sedative and I don’t even remember falling asleep. I wake up less than an hour later and am wheeled into recovery. We stay for another 2 hours and then I am sent home empty handed.
Overall, the procedure was rather simple physically. Emotionally, I will never be the same. For days after, I second guessed my decisions and most days I still do. But I have come to know that I made the best decisions that I could at the time and that has to be ok with me.
At 12 weeks it was discovered that I had gestational diabetes. My OB found it so early that she decided that I must be pre-diabetic. Finally, after several weeks of waiting to find out what to do, a dietician called me from our hospital. She was amazing! She sat with my husband and I for hours and showed us how we could manage my new lifestyle. I was bummed about not being able to indulge in every craving that pregnancy enticed me with, but I knew we would work it out. I have so many people supporting me, my husband, my family, my OB, my dietician, my friends.
At 17 weeks we had our ultra sound for the anatomy scan, and we were so excited to find out the sex of our little baby. We were then told that my fluids were extremely low. We were politely ushered out and sent directly to a specialist. I first met with a sonogram specialist that didn’t have any good news, and then Dr. M, who had nothing to tell us but that my amniotic fluid was low and that I needed to start planning for termination. I was told that it could either be a tear in the sac (which may or may not repair itself), the baby could be lacking kidneys, a bladder or have some sort of blockage, or it could be a genetic issue. When I asked him what he would do if he were in my situation, his answer was “Well, I am not a woman.” We hated him from that moment on and wanted a second opinion. We weren’t scheduled to come back for several weeks to see if there could be any change in the fluid levels. I was given an alpha-fetoprotein (AFP) blood test to see if I tested high for chromosomal abnormalities. Dr. M then instructed me to basically be on bed rest and to not travel. I then spoke with my OB and she told me to “Go, take it easy, and go be with your family on vacation.”
I went to the beach the following week with my family. I drank a gallon of water every day, took it easy, kept my sugar numbers where they needed to be, and just tried to enjoy my time with my family, my husband, and the special little baby inside of me. I would stroke my belly and pray every moment that I had. I thanked God for giving me these 4 precious months with this baby. I begged God not to take it away from me. I just wanted to hold him or her while trying to decide who he or she looked like. I wanted it to all work out. I would do anything to make it work. I prayed knowing that there was a huge chance that it may not work out, and I tried my best to be optimistic.
When I got back from a week in Florida, I visited my OB to go over my sugar numbers and found out that my AFP test came back normal. There was nothing chromosomally wrong with my baby. I also got to hear its little heartbeat, and it was normal. It gave me so much hope. My belly even seemed to pop out a bit, I was officially 18 weeks and I was starting to show. Lots more praying, tummy rubbing and “come on baby” ensued…even my husband was in on it.
The following week, I was 19 weeks pregnant and met with another specialist in the Atlanta Fetal Maternal Medicine group, Dr. Y. I instantly trusted her. She gave us the horrifying news that our baby had a fatal birth defect, renal agenesis. Bilateral renal agenesis is the uncommon and serious failure of both a fetus’ kidneys to develop during gestation. Most infants that are born alive do not live beyond four hours. She told us that in our case it was not genetic, that it was like lightening striking– a stroke of bad luck. She hugged me. She gave me every bit of info that I needed. After speaking with Dr. Y, my husband and I felt very confident about how we needed to handle the situation, the loss of our baby, our child. This is where it all begins, or ends…
My choices in my state at 20 weeks with a baby with a fatal birth defect were to:
A. Continue the pregnancy, and deliver at the earliest that I could. Make funeral arrangements. See my dead baby, hold my dead baby.