We arrived at the hospital and went to the triage. There they hooked me up to the monitor and searched… and searched… and searched. I lay there knowing that she was gone, pleading that somehow the heart would just start beating. The nurse kept saying “Come on baby. Please come on baby.” She also kept reassuring me that she was probably asleep and just in a weird position. She then called in a woman to do an ultrasound. Right when the ultrasound machine hit my stomach, there was Preslie’s chest with a heart not beating.

I remember just laying there in a daze of no emotion saying to myself “This can’t be happening. This isn’t real.” I don’t remember what everyone was saying to me, I only remember their mouths moving. I was so determined to have a C-section, so I wouldn’t have to wait knowing my baby was going to come out not alive. Of course they weren’t keen on that option.

I remember calling my mom, and then Chris’ dad Chad and then my own dad. I remember the sounds of their voices as I cried that Preslie was gone. I remember telling the doctor that we needed to start getting me set up to be induced ASAP, and that I could not carry around my dead child.

We had outstanding nurses, and Erika came to the hospital the minute I called her. I remember Chris and Chris Finley giving me a blessing, and then Ejay and Ann coming to see us, and then shortly Kara. Brian came later that night, and I remember all sitting around talking for hours and hours just waiting for Preslie to come out. I was having contractions, but I didn’t really feel them. I think the prayers of everyone helped me out so much.

I had an epidural around midnight, and shortly after that they gave me a sleeping pill and told me to rest. Not even 2 hour s later my water broke, and 2 hours after that I was pushing. I remember asking for a mirror to watch, but I think I closed my eyes most of the time. Preslie was born into heaven at 4:55am. She was 22 inches long and weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces.

I remember a lot before the sleeping pill, but not so much after. I don’t remember holding Preslie for the first time, which just KILLS me. I have pictures to prove I did, which is comforting. She was SO beautiful, with curly brown hair, long legs, cute little boobies, big feet, little cheeks, and she was just perfect. There was not a single imperfection at all. Although she was my baby, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. EVER!

Chris’ parents arrived a few hours before Preslie was born, and were with us the whole time. This was such a comfort for Chris and me. My parents arrived the next morning after Preslie had been delivered. I remember having to make tough decisions on what was to be done as far as the funeral, etc. Right when my parents came, Preslie was given a name and a blessing. My Dad, Chad (Chris’ dad) and Brian Hogge, were in the circle. Preslie’s blessing was so powerful and strong it was unbelievable. My mom’s friend Leeann made her dress, and added extra beading and sequins to it because it needed to be the most beautiful dress, and it was. An old friend of mine Andra made the headband that matched. She looked just like a princess, and all I could do is just hold her and wait for her to squeeze my finger. I held her for a long time, my finger in her hand just waiting and waiting and waiting.

After I had some time alone with her, Chris came in and we said goodbye. That was probably one of the hardest things, even harder than giving birth to her. Knowing that in a few days I was going to be leaving without her. I decided to stay one more night, and then go home the next day.

Going through the hospital in the wheelchair holding my coat, was another one of the hardest moments of my life. I remember in a baby story when they would wheel the moms out to the car holding their babies, and I would just cry. And now here I was crying because I did not get to leave with my baby. It was the longest ride through the hospital, and I will NEVER forget it. Every time I pass the hospital, I remember those exact feelings.

We later found out that week that there was a hemorrhage in the umbilical cord. There was nothing wrong with Preslie; it was just a fluke thing. We know that she was here just to get a little body, but the pain is still so real. It doesn’t hurt less knowing that she fulfilled her purpose. I miss her more and more every passing day and knowing that I am the mother of an angel is what helps get me through.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story, and I hope that Preslie has touched your lives as she has mine. She will never be forgotten. She will always be a part of our family.