Amanda
Mom to Rowan McCleskey (miscarried at 13 weeks, 2 days on August 17th, 2009);
and Levi Matthew McCleskey (June 28th, 2010-June 29th, 2010, 19 weeks)
Pensacola, FL
How did we end up here?
I most likely cannot do my children any justice with mere words, but I can try to keep their little spirits alive in me by telling and re-telling these stories. I’m a mother, but probably not in the way that you would expect. Our children do not live among us, for they were too precious for this place. They hurried on to Heaven and I can hardly wait to meet them there.
Rowan’s Story
Matt and I had been married for a little over 2 years, and had been trying to conceive for much of that time. See, we were nearly 30 and ready to begin our family building. After a few rounds of Clomid, and a much needed get-away I found out I was pregnant on June 24, 2009. To express my jubilation at the news would take far too much space…and Matt…oh if I was excited then I don’t even think there is a word to adequately describe his elation. We could not wait to be parents. We began telling everyone at once. I was about 6 weeks along, and we didn’t think 34 weeks was enough time to tell all of our friends/family. We started buying baby goods, and had the nursery ready for our little peanut at 12 weeks. Everything was perfect, all my appointments were great and the baby was growing big and steady. We had seen Peanut at 9 weeks, and had listened to the super-fast, strong, heart beat then as well.
On August 17, 2009, our lives were forever altered. I woke up at 6:45, as usual, to get ready for work. I used the bathroom, and felt something like a ‘slipping’. There really isn’t any way to describe it. I reached down to see if it was blood, and I caught Rowan in my hands. He was perfect. Ten fingers, toes, all with nails, a face identical to his daddy….just far too small to ever stay here. We called my doctor and went to the ER. I had a D&C and developed an infection (as I had to wait nearly 18 hours w/o food or water for the surgery). It was a nightmare. The hospital had let Matt take the baby home, since we wanted a funeral and he was to be issued no birth certificate because it was a miscarriage, a ‘spontaneous abortion’ – ugh! that phrase makes me furious still to this day. I was in the hospital for 3 days and finally was able to go home. I held Rowan for hours. I memorized every inch of him, our friend Donna came and took pictures, I didn’t want to ever forget a moment with Rowan, or any special feature of what he looked like. He was perfect. My angel love.
