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Jessi

Mom to Olivia Lynn

April 23, 2017

Cape Coral, Florida

Olivia was our first child. It took us over a year to get pregnant with her. We were seeing a fertility specialist and everything came out negative except for that I had several fibroids. He had actually told me that was probably why I hadn’t gotten pregnant but he could not be sure, but that this could cause me to lose a baby if I got pregnant. He recommended I have a big surgery similar to a c-section to have them removed. He told us not to get pregnant. Well, we stopped trying and got pregnant. He followed us with ultrasounds until my first OB appointment.

Fast forward, the pregnancy was completely normal. I felt great during it. We found out her gender at 19 weeks and everything was normal, although we didn’t get a picture of her face because she was facing my back. We couldn’t see her heart either. The next week or so I started cramping, which they said was normal. They said it was ligament pain or me working too hard (I’m a nurse). They decided to bring me in to check it out. I felt her kick for the first time the night before my appointment and I was so excited it was more than [just] flutters. I also had my home doppler and listened to her that night too. I was leaving and I told me husband to stay home because It was a simple appointment.

When I went in the doctor’s office, they had the doppler out and searched and said, “Huh, she must just be laying in a funny position.” I then texted my husband to come up to the office. The OB then took me over to the ultrasound room and looked and was so confused. He kept saying, “This just doesn’t happen. You’re so far along and this is so rare.” He apologized to me and told me he couldn’t find a heartbeat and wanted me to go into the ultrasound tech’s room. She pulled me in and we could see our little one on the screen but there was no noise and no flickering of a heartbeat. She asked if my husband was coming. I told her he was. She had me stand up and apologized and let me cry on her shoulder.

I was brought back to the exam room. I called my mom on her cell phone (she’s a teacher) and I told her, and she left school to meet me up there. I immediately felt numb and like everything I had pictured and planned came crashing to a halt. My husband arrived and I just cried and tried to explain. Both of us were in such shock. My mom then arrived and hugged both of us. I lost it even more. The OB then came in to give me my options of what the next steps were, and that we could wait a few days if we wanted. I didn’t really know what to say other than I couldn’t have her stay In my belly any longer.

He told us we could go home and start dealing with the loss and come back in the afternoon. The next three hours were surreal, telling our family and a few of my friends. We went back to the office and the on-call OB put in something called luminaries to start drying out my cervix cause it to start dilating. [This was] one of the most painful procedures I’ve been through. I was told I would have bad cramping. They sent me home with pain pills and they would admit me the next day at the hospital. It was the longest night ever. My husband and I laid in bed and he held me and I just cried myself to sleep (or somewhat of sleep).

My husband and I talked about when she was delivered, and what we would do. He said he didn’t want to hold her or see her. I told him that I definitely did. I was admitted the next day. I will never forget the feeling of checking into the labor and delivery unit, and how empty I felt. I was brought to my room and asked to put a gown on. The nurses were all really good and never asked me too many questions. My husband and my parents stayed in the room with me through the whole night. The luminaries were taken out of me and Pitocin suppositories were put in. They took so much blood from me to test for every possibility that could have caused the death of our little baby.

They hooked me up to a PCA pump to help with the pain that I would endure. They also had to give me additional doses throughout the process. I was woken up by these awful cramping feelings over and over again. Obviously contractions, I just didn’t know that’s what they would feel like. My husband sat in bed with me and held my hand and encouraged me. Even though I don’t remember as much as I wish I did, I remember not wanting to push at the last minute because if she came out, then I know that the truth of losing her would be real.

I pushed and she came out. I was scared to see what she might look like, if there was something wrong with her. But, my baby girl was beautiful. When she came out, the three nurses gasped and I remember asking over and over what they saw. Apparently her cord was tightly wrapped around her neck three times and there was a possible knot in her cord. My husband held her and so did my parents and of course I did. My husband brought up one of the names we had talked about and it was perfect; we named her Olivia. We took a lot of pictures and had a lot of tears.

Unfortunately, I was unable to pass her placenta, even after 4 hours of Pitocin. They had to take me in for a D&E to remove it. After the surgery, I was brought back to my room and was able to spend more time with our angel. Throughout the next night and day, I had some good friends and my grandparents come visit and give us comfort. My husband never left my side; he even laid in the bed with me and slept. He helped me shower even though I could barely stand up. I remember walking back to the hospital bed and dropping to the floor and just crying uncontrollably. My husband caught me before I hit the floor; he was and is my rock.

They released me the next day and I walked out of the hospital empty handed, except for the box they sent me home with. I announced our loss on Facebook a few days later, but I tried to stay off of social media for the most part. Every time I read someone’s comments, I lost my composure and started crying again. My good friends came by to make sure I wasn’t alone long or to feed us. My little brother came into town to be with me. I had so much support. My husband still didn’t leave my side; I cried into his shoulder constantly.

Recovery for me seemed very slow and after a few weeks, I woke up with chills. I didn’t think much of it until later when they were uncontrollable and I decided to take my temperature and it was 103.7. After arguing, my husband forced me to go to the ER. Well, I was admitted with Sepsis and was in there for 5 days. Around the third day, I started bleeding profusely and was having massive clots. I remember being devastated each time I passed them because I knew that these all reminded me of my loss. They even had to weigh all of them. Before I went to surgery, I remember the weight of them being heavier than my little Olivia.

The next day I had lost so much blood that they had to bring me back for surgery and I had another D&E because of my enlarged fibroid. My husband and my mom took turns staying with me and my best friends came by to keep me company and [provide] support. On the last day, I was given a unit of blood and finally sent home with a progesterone medicine to slow down the bleeding from my fibroids and some antibiotics for my infections.

The one thing I remember about this whole admission is hearing twinkle twinkle little star over the intercom every time a baby was born there that day. I cried every time, and I was not in a labor and delivery unit so the nurses I had didn’t really know how to deal with my sadness. I went home exhausted and worn out. I started feeling better and closer to going back to work about 2 weeks later but I wound up in the ER twice with anaphylaxis, apparently from an antibiotic they sent me home with. It took me about a week to recover from that.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I guess I never wrote this out or talked about it all at one time. We named our little girl Olivia Lynn (Lynn was my husband’s mom’s middle name; she died almost two years ago). I’ve learned who my true friends are throughout this whole thing and I’ve learned how amazing my husband is and how much he loves me. In about a month I go back to my infertility specialist to see what my fibroid looks like and to see if the surgeries I had did any damage to my uterus.Then they will decide if we can try again or if I have to have surgery. Now that I’m feeling better, I’ve been able to deal emotionally with the loss and it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I still cry a little almost every day but it is getting less and less. I can now talk about her without crying the whole time, and I love talking about her. I know she will always be with me.

You can email Jessi at Jnmcats@aol.com.

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Comments

  1. I am very sorry for your loss. xoxxo Ameli

  2. I just read this again. You’re amazing, and Olivia is lucky to have you as her mother ❤️

  3. I am so sorry for your loss.

  4. Hi Jessi.

    Thank you for writing this.

    I went to my regularly scheduled appointment on Monday (19 weeks 4 days) and the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat.

    An ultrasound confirmed this. My husband met me at the clinic. We just saw our baby sitting lifeless in me.

    Our doctor asked us to come to the hospital to be admitted for an induction. After a few hours we were asked to come back in the morning because of lack of staff.

    We were induced at 12pm and at 7pm I gave birth to a little boy. A perfect little boy. With no outward explanation for anything wrong.

    I was afraid to see him, and to touch him. But I am so glad I did. And I wished I had held him longer. I wished I had picked him up and held him.

    We are laying him to rest tomorrow.

    I miss him and I love him.

    We named him Étienne.

    Thank you so much for writing this. It is comforting knowing I am not alone in my grief.

    Anne

    • Jessica Proudfit says:

      You are never alone! We woman at least have each other! I
      Will be praying for you! If you never need to vent or just chat message me!
      Jessi

  5. I am also very sorry for your loss our stories are very similar. I would love to share with you how the fibroids caused me to lose my Marleigh at 16 weeks. She was due on 9-5-17. Feel free to email me if you want to hear my story.

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