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Evelyn

Mom to Enzo

February 21, 2017

Bicknell, Indiana

Finding out I was pregnant was a shock, we weren’t trying and I was 100% convinced that I wasn’t pregnant. I had been sick for awhile but everyone in my house had been passing something back and forth.I had already gotten a negative a test, I only took a second one so I could show it to my doctor at my appointment and rule out pregnancy. That second? It came up positive fast and so dark. You’re suppose to wait two minutes for the results but I had it in two seconds. 

I was scared but I was happy and finding out we were having a boy was just the icing on the cake. I had already done the sparkles, tutus, and bows. Now it was time for tiny button ups, baby bow ties and page boy hats.

I had a healthy pregnancy, I’m a type 1 diabetic so my pregnancies are classified as high risk but everything went well. My blood sugar was a challenge but it was controlled and we were both healthy. By the time I hit my third trimester I had two appointments a week, one with my OB for a Non Stress Test and one with my specialist to go over my log and do a Biophysical Profile; every few weeks they would check his growth.

The last time they checked his size I was between 35 and 36 weeks, he was estimated to be 7lbs 13oz.  I knew he’d have chubby cheeks; I could see them in his ultrasounds.

We set my induction date for February 20th; I’d go in that evening and he would be born some time the next day.
My labor was rough but I was still happy and excited, it was almost time to meet him and I just kept thinking about meeting him.

It was time to push, I gave it everything I had. I followed all my doctors instructions.
I was getting tired and it felt like it was taking forever.
His head was visible when they called the code.

Lights flashed and the room was flooded with people.

I had 4 nurses on each side of me, one on top.
I was still pushing, they were pushing and pulling every way that they could think of.
Doctors were filing in.

I didn’t know what was happening, one of the nurses said, “The baby just needs some help.”

I did everything they said.
They flipped me to my hands and knees and back.
I kept pushing.
Someone said we needed a c-section so they rushed us across to another room.

I was still pushing.
I was still trying.

This other doctor got him out while things were still being prepped. He was rushed across the room and surrounded by people.

I laid there on that table and listened, I couldn’t hear him cry.
I had stayed calm during all of that. Now he was here, he was finally here, and he wasn’t crying.
Now I was panicking.

I laid there, I couldn’t move, I was tired.
I didn’t realize that I was hemorrhaging. I just laid begging and praying to hear him cry. 

When my doctor told me, my heart dropped.My chest was heavy, it felt like it was being crushed.
I think I was crying but I was fading in and out.I only saw him briefly. I had to be taken for a CT scan so they could find out what was causing the hemorrhage.

I didn’t wake up until eight-and-a-half hours after Enzo was born.

I was foggy for awhile. I couldn’t move and the pain meds made me fuzzy and tired.
My doctor checked on me a lot.
He wanted to make sure I understood what happened.
He wanted me to know that it wasn’t my fault and I did everything right.Enzo had a shoulder dystocia. His had passed through my pelvis but he got stuck at his shoulders.

It was a severe case. He was stuck for 8 minutes and during that time the cord collapsed and my uterus ruptured.
The cord collapsing lead to oxygen deprivation and caused him to asphyxiate.
The uterine rupture caused me to hemorrhage once they got him out. 
He still had a heartbeat at birth but he wasn’t breathing.
His heart stopped.
They couldn’t revive him.
Just like that, he was gone.

My perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy was gone and it all happened in an 8-minute span of time.

He weighed 10 lbs.
He was 22 inches long.

He had really big feet, perfectly chubby cheeks and a head full of dark, thick hair.

He was in my room for 45 hours.

I held him and he felt so perfect on my chest.

Letting him go was so hard.

Saying goodbye felt like being told he was gone all over again.

It’s been 3 months.

My doctor thinks I have a form of PTSD and gave me a referral to see someone. I go next week for an assessment and to start grief and trauma counseling.I’m hoping that it will help at least a little.

I just miss him so much.

Evelyn blogs at https://nevermyheart.wordpress.com/ and can be emailed at evie.stivers@gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. I am very sorry for your loss. Xoxxo Ameli

  2. Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and I hope the help you’ve been offered works for you. My story is both similar and very different from yours but I suspect the level of pain and anguish we feel would be pretty much the same. My trauma/birth of my second son, third child is 14 years ago but the events of those days are remarkably clear to me. My arms still ache to hold my baby even though he should be 13 years old now, it makes me feel so sad. Be kind to yourself and take care of you.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how empty those words can feel but know that you are not alone.

  4. I am so very sorry for your loss.

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