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Heather
Mom to Maggie Lee
May 16, 2017
Meadowview, VA

My husband and I had only been married for 4 months when we found out we were pregnant. We couldn’t have been more thrilled. We were both a little older, I was 32 and he was 37 and we didn’t want to wait too long to start our family. I had the most amazing pregnancy from the start. I had no morning sickness and everything went just like it should. We went for our 20 week anatom scan and were very excited to learn that we were having a girl! All my dreams were coming true! Everything looked good with the ultrasound, no problems. The rest of my pregnancy went like the first half. Other than some crazy heartburn and going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, it was perfect. 

We had decided to name her Maggie Lee and her daddy spent lots of time painting her room. I had high blood pressure before I got pregnant and had been on medication throughout but it was well controlled and stayed perfect the whole time. Starting at 30 weeks I began going every week for a biophysical profile because of the blood pressure. The last regular appointment I had was on May 12th and she scored 8 out of 8 just like she was suppose to. That was a Friday and the following Sunday was mother’s day. I was so excited thinking about how this holiday would be next year. That day I didn’t feel Maggie move much but that night I was able to lay down, drink some juice, and get my counts in. The next day I went to work, I’m a special education teacher, and was kind of worried because she still wasn’t moving like she had before. Again that night I lay down, got 2 kicks and several hiccups. I also used my home Doppler to listen to her. She sounded good, no problem.
The next day, May 16th 2017, I was 34 weeks 6 days. I went to work only a little worried. She still wasn’t moving. So I called the doctors office and they said to come in to be monitored. I just knew I was overreacting so I told my husband where I was going but he didn’t need to leave work, I’d let him know what they said. I was hooked up when I got there and I was thrilled that I could still hear her beautiful heart beat. The doctor came in and said that she saw a deceleration she didn’t like and ordered another biophysical profile. She had great fluid but never moved so with the biophysical profile and non stress test she only scored 2 out of 10. I was concerned but still thought, I bet I’ll be put on bed rest. I was told to drive directly to the hospital, not to eat or drink anything, and I was definitely staying overnight. So I called my husband and told him to meet me at the hospital. I was admitted and I had an IV placed “just in case.” I laughed because my husband is so uncomfortable with needles and he struggled while they put the IV in. We waited for the on call doctor who was in surgery. I was calm and not worried at all, my husband was a nervous wreck.
 
Everything after the doctor came in went so fast. He looked at the monitor and said he saw several decelerations and that she was telling us that she was in distress so we would be having a baby within the hour. We were both shocked but excited. At 34 weeks they expected her to be small and she may need to be transferred to a larger hospital but she should be ok. My husband called family while I was prepped. I was in the OR in no time. When they said she was here we heard her cry. I cried tears of joy because I thought, if she could cry that was a good sign. Everything from that point on lives in my nightmares. We could hear than performing CPR. The sweet anesthesiologist would talk to me. ” Her heart rate is only 50, that’s too low, but they are working on her and helping her breath.” We listened as they called for an airlift to the other hospital, we heard everything. She was just 6 to 8 feet away but I couldn’t see her. We listened as her heart rate dropped. Then they called and cancelled the airlift and I knew. I said “she’s not going to make it is she?” The anesthesiologist said, “it doesn’t look good.” Then they called it and said to let her visit with Mom and they lay my sweet Maggie on my chest. My word stopped in that moment. She was already gone, I never got to see her while she was alive. My husband was in shock and had to be lead back to my room. All the doctors and nurses were crying. They were shocked  too. They went in there to deliver a baby, they didn’t expect this.This couldn’t be real. She was perfect, so beautiful, how was this possible. 
 
I held her as family came to visit. I gave her up just long enough for the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take photos and the nurses took her to be weighed and measured. 4lbs 12oz, 18 1/4 inches. Perfect. I held her all through the night. I knew that it would be my first and last night with my daughter. All of the doctors and nurses were wonderful. They were very sensitive and compassionate. 
 
We still don’t have any answers, no body knows what happened. They said that once the umbilical cord was cut she just stopped breathing and her heart just would not work. They thought it must have been a problem with her heart or central nervous system. We elected not to do an autopsy since we may not have gotten any answers and we didn’t want to put her through that. So many hard decisions that you never imagine you will have to make. June 21st will be another difficult day. It was her original due date. We are still in shock. How could we have such a great pregnancy only to have it end this way? At my 2 week check up our doctor said they even reviewed her anatomy scan and there was no indication of any problems. So many questions and so few answers. All we know for sure is that she is gone and our lives have been changed forever.
 
Heather can be reached at 31sttennlady@gmail.com
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Comments

  1. Heather … I am SO very sorry. My baby passed away in utero at 40 weeks 2 days with no answers as well. My heart breaks for you. Please know that during this very sad dark time there will come a time when you will feel like you again. Never “better but you’ll see glimpses of yourself. I remember being so frustrated months down the road that not only was my baby gone, but I felt so unlike me. Many hugs beijng sent your way … the biggest thing that helped me heal was finding women that had been in my shoes to bond with </3

  2. I am sorry for your loss. xxo Ameli

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you much strength and peace in the coming days and weeks.

  4. How heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating it is. Especially when you have no answers. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

  5. I am so sorry to read this and am grieving for this massive loss with you dear Heather. I lost my little Ivy 14 days ago. Intra-uterine death and I gave birth normally although we knew before hand she was already dead. She was 30 weeks.

    I can so relate with the feelings you mentioned although not at all. My heart and thoughts go out to you and I hope and pray that we can come to a point of acceptance and that our small babies will know how much they were and still are loved.

    I KNOW words can’t make it better, but for me knowing there are other women out there makes it feel slightly bearable for a few minutes of the day.

    Much love
    Mother of an Angel
    xoxo

  6. I am sorry for you loss, I know exactly how you are feeling I suffered severe pains on May 24 2017 and was rushed to hospital at 1am immediately they prepped me up for theatre only to find out my uterus raptured and my precious baby boy was still born, he weighed 2.9 kg at just 34 weeks. It’s so difficult cos I would have delivers on the 20th June 2017. In 2015 I lost my first baby at 6 months into my pregnancy through pre-eclampsia. My heart has shattered into a million pieces that will never be repaired again

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