Mom to Alexandra Renee
September 10, 2016
Fort Walton Beach, Florida
I found out I was pregnant on Mother’s Day of all days. To someone who did not think they could get pregnant without medical intervention, this was very significant. My husband and I had been trying/not preventing for almost two years. When those two pink lines appeared, I was overwhelmed but also overjoyed.
I had a fairly difficult first trimester with morning sickness, but nothing could bring me down. This would be our first baby and we were so happy. We spent the entire summer in bliss. We researched strollers, car seats, brainstormed baby names, and imagined how wonderful our life would be once he/she arrived. All of our appointments went well. Our ultrasounds were normal and we soon found out we were expecting a little girl.
On the morning of September 10, I started feeling cramping. I called labor and delivery and they calmed me down and told me to drink water and rest. If I didn’t start feeling better, then I could come in. I did what they asked but it didn’t help. Less than an hour later I started bleeding. We immediately drove to the hospital. The whole way there I was terrified, but my baby girl was kicking the whole way and that made me feel better. When the doctor came in to examine me, she discovered my membranes were bulging and I was bleeding even more. They suspected a placental abruption. There was nothing they could do to stop my labor.
Alexandra Renee was born at 11:08 a.m. She didn’t cry and was immediately whisked away by the NICU team. The pediatrician walked over to my husband and I just a short while later and told us that it was not going well. Her heart rate was in the 50s when a healthy newborn’s should be over 120. She was not breathing on her own. We made the decision then to let her go and be at peace, free from pain. She was alive for 58 minutes. She was only 1 pound, 6.5 ounces.
We held her and loved her the rest of day. I felt so numb. My perfect, beautiful baby was gone. She was the tiniest, most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had my nose and my lips. All my plans, my dreams were gone. All I could think about were all the things we would never experience with her.
The doctor later confirmed to us that it was a placental abruption caused by an infection in my placenta. They said there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
She is in my thoughts every day and I cannot help but wonder who she would have been. Some days I feel normal but others I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I was prepared to be the mother of a beautiful baby girl but now I am the mother of an angel. Instead of preparing a nursery, I am grieving in a way I never thought I would have to. Pictures and memories are all I have now and it’s never enough. Some days I feel as though my pregnancy was a dream because I could not have lost my daughter. This could not be my forever.
Though I still struggle on a daily basis with my grief, I know that given the choice, I would do it all over again, for her.