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Jolinda

Mom to Talaofa and Two Siblings

October 3, 2016, April 2016, November 2014

Honolulu, Hawaii

November 2014 I just reached 19 weeks. That very same day I had contractions and went to the ER. When I got there my water broke and I began bleeding a lot. The doctor told me my baby could no longer survive without the water bag to protect it and that I had to have surgery to terminate the pregnancy due to the fact that I had a vertical cut on my uterus with my previous preemie baby ( my miracle child), and vaginal delivery would rupture my uterus. I never got to find out the gender nor did I get to name that baby.

April 2016 4 months into 3rd pregnancy, I had a miscarriage.

October 2, 2016 [I was pregnant for the fourth time]. At 19 weeks and 4 days, contractions started and I went to the hospital immediately. The plan was to do a rescue cerclage if my contractions didn’t continue the rest of the night. The next day my hopes were shot and my contractions kept coming and I was 1 cm dilated. At 11:35 a.m. I gave birth to my son. It was too late to do a surgery, so we took our chances with a vaginal delivery and it all went well except for the fact that I lost my son at 12:35 p.m. When he was born the doctors asked me if I wanted to hold him or if I wanted them to take him away. I wanted to hold him, love him, and pray for him while we still had the time to spend with him.

My husband couldn’t handle to cut his umbilical cord, and didn’t want to hold him but I made him hold our angel baby. I knew he would regret not being able to hold him while he was still alive, and I’m glad I made him hold our baby. He died in his daddy/s arms, and I took him back to hold him. I placed him on my chest and kept singing a song I’d always make him listen to while he was in my tummy, hoping and praying for some sort of miracle. Tons of questions [are] going on in my head. Why me? Is it me?  What could I have done differently? Where is God when we need him the most? Why is he ignoring me and my prayers? October 14th we buried our angel baby in a cemetery called Baby Land. My mother-in-law had our bishop come over to give me a comfort blessing and all it did was help me sleep better at night. It wasn’t until October 28th that I finally let go of all the emotions I was holding in, stress and frustration triggered it all.

I went church Sunday and the talk helped me a lot. They talked about how we never understand why God works the way He does, but we have to trust that there is a blessing that will come out of it. He puts us through hardships to prepare us for whatever He has planned for us in the near future. He doesn’t let us go through heartbreaks without giving us a blessing out of it. I’m still waiting for redemption, but for now, I’m okay. For now, I’m focusing on me, letting my body heal physically emotionally, and mentally. Our babies were just too beautiful for Earth, and although they did not get to experience this painful yet magical place we call Earth, I like to believe they are in a much better, peaceful place. My favorite quote, “The road isn’t paved with perfection, don’t get lost in the journey, let the struggle help you discover who you really are.” May our angels babies rest in love. Never forgotten.

You can email Jolinda at jolindaf67@gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. I am very sorry Jolinda. XxoO Ameli

  2. Dear Jolinda,

    God gives you strength in this hard moment. I could feel your pain in each word you wrote, I lost my baby boy Miguel two weeks ago at 39, 3 weeks. As you, I have wondered why me? Could I save my baby? What did I do wrong? I am also devastated and as you I am trying to get physical healing but I do not how to heal emotionally. My wished baby left me without saying good bye.
    I wish you a quick recovery and send you my positive energy…the same energy I am trying to recover after loosing Miguel. Around me there are a lot of people but I would prefer to be alone and cry and dream how life could have been if Miguel would be with me right now.
    I quote your statement: “May our angels babies rest in love”….thanks for sharing your sorrows. They have helped me a lot tonight….
    Julie

  3. My heart is breaking for you. I lost my first child, a baby girl Tilly Grace 9 weeks ago tomorrow. She was two weeks old when she died. My partner and our families ask those questions over and over again. I just have to have hope and believe that our time will come, as will yours. Xx

  4. I am so sorry for your losses.

  5. Thank you ladies Julie, Ella,& Ashleigh..
    Julie&Ella, Sorry for your losses..Wish you both speedy recoveries and calm healing! Some things we can never understand, nor control..Just gotta keep that faith and hope and no matter what dont give up! Love you all Angel Mamas!! Feel free to email me if you Ladies ever want to talk, or facebook me Jolinda Manuel Fogle..Prayers for peace in each and everyone of our hearts!

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