Mom to Meredith
April 29, 2016
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. -Psalm 39:7
We buried our baby on her due date. We found out our sweet baby Meredith’s heart stopped beating on April 28th. One week before – she had a strong heartbeat, my belly was growing. Two weeks before, I had a non-stress test and she was healthy and reactive. Three weeks before, she was perfect on our last ultrasound – 47th percentile in growth – what a perfect baby. Six pounds already. In the next three weeks she gained almost two more pounds and was moving like crazy. Yes, she had quiet moments during the day, but I never felt her stop. I never felt her die. I was 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant. There is no fetal heartbeat. Sometimes this just happens. Your baby is beautiful – perfect. Except she is dead. 7 lbs, 12 ounces, 21 inches. Much bigger than her big brother Cameron when he was born. I prayed throughout my pregnancy that my girl would have a head of dark hair, like me. And she did. Maybe I should’ve prayed more for her health…how dare I take that for granted. There was not a time during my pregnancy that I doubted she would be born healthy and alive. How dare I be so bold. I already had one healthy pregnancy and one perfect child – why would this be any different?
I delivered Meredith over the course of 2 days. I fought to give birth to her with the full knowledge that I would then have to give her up. This seemed impossible to comprehend. My daughter arrived. She was beautiful. The silence that accompanied her birth was the loudest thing I have ever heard. The girl we had planned to meet and discover was not there.
We buried our baby on her due date. Losing Meredith has been confusing, unreal, heartbreaking, cruel, and painful. My only moments of hope have been when I am thankful for my son and husband. The promise of prayer from others has brought some relief, but that is fleeting. No one can live in heightened grief forever and I do expect to find happiness again. She changed the ground beneath my feet, my second, my beloved little girl. While no one knew her at all…God knew her.
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. -Jeremiah 1:5
Throughout all the grief and pain, Meredith is still present, and I will not wish her away. For the 39 weeks that I carried my daughter inside me, I was happy. I cannot change her story, but I carry her with me still.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. -Isaiah 46:4
To our dear friends and family: Our sweet Meredith was born still on Friday April 29th. 7 lbs, 12 ounces, and 21 inches long. Head full of dark hair. Perfect in every way, except her heart stopped beating shortly before birth. Needless to say, this is not the way we were imagining sharing the news of our sweet girl’s birth. We are doing fine and we will be fine. Joe and I are looking to the future with hope and love. Cameron is such a source of joy in these days. We want to share our few memories and feelings of Meredith with you and we don’t want anyone to be afraid to ask about her. Her life was beautiful and I never want to forget it. We look forward to being with all of you and getting back to living our lives soon. We will never forget Meredith and in the coming months will have to get used to living with her memory. Love you all.
You can email Alison at firstname.lastname@example.org.