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Grace

Mom to Nicholas

January 6, 2016 – March 17, 2016

Fullerton, California

I am 25 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years. We have had our usual ups and downs like every other couple, but we have finally straightened everything out and we’re talking about marriage and kids soon enough. I found out I was pregnant and we had both decided that we weren’t ready yet as we share an apartment with roommates and we’re both in school and working part time jobs.

When it finally came time for our son to be born, I had to have an emergency C-section as he was not keeping time with my contractions and his heartbeat would stop for a few seconds. They rushed me in and I remember I heard him cry even through my drug-induced haze. I started crying. I was so happy he was ok. When I was out of recovery, I was allowed to see him. I was in awe over this small creature we had created. I wanted to spend every minute I could with him until we had to let him go. But in the end, we couldn’t give him up. I was so happy! I was a mom! We named him Nicholas Michael.He was so alert and active at 3 weeks, bright eyed and curious. He was so opinionated and not afraid to let us know if he did or didn’t want something. It was exhausting, frustrating at times, but every day made me love him more. At one month he was trying to crawl. At 2 months he could stand propped up on the arm of our couch and bounce on his chubby legs. He would let out little yells to get our attention. He was the light of our lives.

That fateful morning March 17, my boyfriend had worked overnight. I was unable to sleep so I stayed up until 4:00 a.m., constantly checking on our son and just reading. I finally managed to fall asleep and was woken up by Nick at 6:45 a.m., right before Daddy would get home. I changed him and was bouncing him on my lap when my boyfriend got home. We played with him for a little bit and got a handful of smiles from him before we re-swaddled him and put him back in his bed next to ours, so we could sleep a little more. He woke us at 8:30 crying. I rolled over to see daddy was handling him so I went back to sleep. I woke up at 10:50 and realized I had missed class but didn’t care. I would rather spend the day with my son.

As I was getting up and ready, I heard my boyfriend say, “He’s not breathing!” I panicked and all I could do was scream over and over. I yelled his name and tried to open his eyes. I begged. I screamed. The ambulance came and we rushed him to the nearest hospital 5 minutes away. They did everything but I knew he was gone. I had already known when he was cool to the touch and pale. I held him and apologized before I ran from the room. It’s all blurry after. I was numb in shock. I still am. He was perfectly healthy. His death was ruled SIDS. I knew what SIDS was, just never thought it would happen to us.

Nicholas Michael, I made many mistakes in life, but you were never one. You brought Daddy and Mommy closer together and showed us how amazing being a parent is. We can never thank you enough for all you taught and showed us. We will love you forever.

You can email Grace at: g.judy1990@yahoo.com

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Comments

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  2. So very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son.We lost our 8 month old son January 18th 2015.I will say that the journey is very hard and never gets better but you learn to cope.Be easy on yourself.

  3. Marcella Ruiz says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. While reading your story it brought me back to the morning I lost my daughter. I don’t like to think of that morning but it brought me right there. I remember picking my baby girl up begging her to wake up. Screaming her name. Doing CPR with the 911 operator on the phone. All of it. Even know I can’t hold back the tears and that was Jan 3rd 1999. I found comfort in starting a support group for parents that have lost infants, and creating a SIDS PSA. Time helps but it never goes away. If you ever want to talk about your Nicholas feel free to email me at marcella.ruiz@icloud.com.

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