Mom to Bailey Marie
October 14, 2015 – October 15, 2015
March 8, 2015, the best day of my life. I found out I was pregnant. I took about 5 pregnancy tests to really make sure I was pregnant and once I realized I was and that there’s no way 5 tests could be wrong, I looked in the mirror and said to myself “you’re going to be a mom,” and I began crying with excitement. It is what I have wanted for so long, a family of my own.
My boyfriend was out golfing so I went to the store and got a onesie and wrapped it along with the pregnancy tests for when he got home. Once he opened the perfectly wrapped package we both just smiled, the most genuine smiles we’ve both ever seen. Our lives were beginning now. The doctor appointments began. Always a strong heartbeat and they always told me it was a big baby. My gut was telling me it was a boy. We had a gender reveal party to find out the sex, IT WAS A GIRL!
The shopping began. I couldn’t stop shopping for my little princess. She was the healthiest big girl. I would be due November 14,2015. I was counting down the days. We passed every milestone with no complications. The easiest pregnancy, no nausea, no morning sickness, no heartburn, I breezed right through it. At 35 weeks I was sitting on the couch and when I got up there was a wet spot; I thought my water had broke. I called my doctor and she sent me to labor and delivery and after they evaluated me but it turned out she was just running out of room and pushing on my bladder so I was sent home. The next day I took it easy, I went to the store and got every last thing I thought I needed in anticipation that I felt she was coming soon. It was a normal day.
When my boyfriend got home from work we had plans to go to my parent’s for dinner. They live about 15 minutes away. We made the drive that we took maybe once a week, same route as always. This time was different. In a second, our lives changed forever. Someone ran a stop sign and hit us, all the impact on my passenger side. I didn’t lose consciousness; I just remember excruciating pain in my lower abdomen, but Bailey was still kicking. She was always an active little girl. Because she was kicking, I tried not to panic. I wanted to remain as calm as possible for my little girl. When first responders arrived, they loaded me into the ambulance and off to the first hospital. From the first hospital they automatically transferred me to the bigger hospital nearby where a team of doctors and nurses were waiting for me. I went in through the ER and the ER doctor could not find a heartbeat, so the OB doctor took over and with great relief there was a heartbeat, though it was very high at 214. They put me on the fetal monitor and wheeled me up to labor and delivery. They brought in an ultrasound technician to check my organs and the baby. Bailey always kicked away the doppler during ultrasounds and she was still doing this during this time, all good signs I thought.
Her heart rate slowly came down to about 184 during the ultrasound. The nurses came in and asked to stop the ultrasound for now to put me back on the fetal monitors. When they did, my worst nightmare happened; her heart rate was very faint and dropped significantly into the 80s. They began repositioning me to try and get it back up, but that’s when I went back for my emergency c-section. I remember telling my boyfriend, “we get to meet our little girl today,” still trying to be optimistic. When I awoke from my surgery, I was still in the operating room and I immediately asked, “Where is my baby? Is she okay?” No one answered. I got to my recovery room and the neonatologist came in and said, “Your baby is the sickest person in this entire hospital right now.” He said they were going to transfer her to a different hospital to receive more care. At this point I did not know what her injuries were. I didn’t want to really believe what he was telling me.
She was born at 10:28 p.m. At 5 a.m. the next morning she was transferred to a larger hospital. When she got there, they called me and said that her heart had stopped and they had to resuscitate her. I knew my boyfriend had to go be with her so she wasn’t alone. We were all separated. I never got to see my daughter in the NICU that night; that weighs on my heart a lot. Once my boyfriend got to our daughter at the other hospital, her heart had stopped again and she was resuscitated. At this point they finally explained her injury.
Our daughter suffered a fractured skull from the lap belt which caused part of her brain to protrude from her skull causing an irreversible brain injury. She was not able to breathe on her own, she showed no movement except little twitches and quivers of her lip and she never cried. They said she would not last another hour on the ventilator. Our daughter passed away the morning of October 15, 2015 in her daddy’s arms. I didn’t make it there in time to see her. I will forever feel guilty for that. By the time I made it to the hospital to be with her, 5 hours had already gone since her passing. I got to spend time with her just holding her and kissing her all I could. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days.
The ride home was unbearable. I felt I was abandoning my daughter since that hospital felt like her home. Her funeral was a week later, a beautiful service in which the nurses and social workers attended. Everyone wore pink and she was laid to rest underneath a tree with the perfect view where there’s always a nice sunset. She is so very missed as the pain has not gotten any easier. My love for her will always be so strong and our bond will never be broken. Learning to live without her will be the hardest part. To this day I still don’t believe it to be true. I still don’t believe this is my life. We were so close to bringing her home. We were so close to making it to my parent’s house that evening. I am not sure why these things happen and no one has the answers. I love my Bailey Marie, more now than ever. She will always live on in my heart and will never, ever be forgotten.
You can email Taylor at: firstname.lastname@example.org