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Taylor

Mom to Bailey Marie

October 14, 2015 – October 15, 2015

Vacaville, California

March 8, 2015, the best day of my life. I found out I was pregnant. I took about 5 pregnancy tests to really make sure I was pregnant and once I realized I was and that there’s no way 5 tests could be wrong, I looked in the mirror and said to myself “you’re going to be a mom,” and I began crying with excitement. It is what I have wanted for so long, a family of my own.

My boyfriend was out golfing so I went to the store and got a onesie and wrapped it along with the pregnancy tests for when he got home. Once he opened the perfectly wrapped package we both just smiled, the most genuine smiles we’ve both ever seen. Our lives were beginning now. The doctor appointments began. Always a strong heartbeat and they always told me it was a big baby. My gut was telling me it was a boy. We had a gender reveal party to find out the sex, IT WAS A GIRL!

The shopping began. I couldn’t stop shopping for my little princess. She was the healthiest big girl. I would be due November 14,2015. I was counting down the days. We passed every milestone with no complications. The easiest pregnancy, no nausea, no morning sickness, no heartburn, I breezed right through it. At 35 weeks I was sitting on the couch and when I got up there was a wet spot; I thought my water had broke. I called my doctor and she sent me to labor and delivery and after they evaluated me but it turned out she was just running out of room and pushing on my bladder so I was sent home. The next day I took it easy, I went to the store and got every last thing I thought I needed in anticipation that I felt she was coming soon. It was a normal day.

When my boyfriend got home from work we had plans to go to my parent’s for dinner. They live about 15 minutes away. We made the drive that we took maybe once a week, same route as always. This time was different. In a second, our lives changed forever. Someone ran a stop sign and hit us, all the impact on my passenger side. I didn’t lose consciousness; I just remember excruciating pain in my lower abdomen, but Bailey was still kicking. She was always an active little girl. Because she was kicking, I tried not to panic. I wanted to remain as calm as possible for my little girl. When first responders arrived, they loaded me into the ambulance and off to the first hospital. From the first hospital they automatically transferred me to the bigger hospital nearby where a team of doctors and nurses were waiting for me. I went in through the ER and the ER doctor could not find a heartbeat, so the OB doctor took over and with great relief there was a heartbeat, though it was very high at 214. They put me on the fetal monitor and wheeled me up to labor and delivery. They brought in an ultrasound technician to check my organs and the baby. Bailey always kicked away the doppler during ultrasounds and she was still doing this during this time, all good signs I thought.

Her heart rate slowly came down to about 184 during the ultrasound. The nurses came in and asked to stop the ultrasound for now to put me back on the fetal monitors. When they did, my worst nightmare happened; her heart rate was very faint and dropped significantly into the 80s. They began repositioning me to try and get it back up, but that’s when I went back for my emergency c-section. I remember telling my boyfriend, “we get to meet our little girl today,” still trying to be optimistic. When I awoke from my surgery, I was still in the operating room and I immediately asked, “Where is my baby? Is she okay?” No one answered. I got to my recovery room and the neonatologist came in and said, “Your baby is the sickest person in this entire hospital right now.” He said they were going to transfer her to a different hospital to receive more care. At this point I did not know what her injuries were. I didn’t want to really believe what he was telling me.

She was born at 10:28 p.m. At 5 a.m. the next morning she was transferred to a larger hospital. When she got there, they called me and said that her heart had stopped and they had to resuscitate her. I knew my boyfriend had to go be with her so she wasn’t alone. We were all separated. I never got to see my daughter in the NICU that night; that weighs on my heart a lot. Once my boyfriend got to our daughter at the other hospital, her heart had stopped again and she was resuscitated. At this point they finally explained her injury.

Our daughter suffered a fractured skull from the lap belt which caused part of her brain to protrude from her skull causing an irreversible brain injury. She was not able to breathe on her own, she showed no movement except little twitches and quivers of her lip and she never cried. They said she would not last another hour on the ventilator. Our daughter passed away the morning of October 15, 2015 in her daddy’s arms. I didn’t make it there in time to see her. I will forever feel guilty for that. By the time I made it to the hospital to be with her, 5 hours had already gone since her passing. I got to spend time with her just holding her and kissing her all I could. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days.

The ride home was unbearable. I felt I was abandoning my daughter since that hospital felt like her home. Her funeral was a week later, a beautiful service in which the nurses and social workers attended. Everyone wore pink and she was laid to rest underneath a tree with the perfect view where there’s always a nice sunset. She is so very missed as the pain has not gotten any easier. My love for her will always be so strong and our bond will never be broken. Learning to live without her will be the hardest part. To this day I still don’t believe it to be true. I still don’t believe this is my life. We were so close to bringing her home. We were so close to making it to my parent’s house that evening. I am not sure why these things happen and no one has the answers. I love my Bailey Marie, more now than ever. She will always live on in my heart and will never, ever be forgotten.

You can email Taylor at: tabaroody@gmail.com

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Comments

  1. April Davidson says:

    I am at a loss of words. I am so sorry you have to go through this. My daughter passed on Oct 21, 2015 and I feel the same way. I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe my husband and I planned a funeral for our daughter. I’m not sure how to go on.
    I just feel that by keeping our daughter’s memory alive that they will always be with us.

  2. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Wishing you light, strength and peace.

  3. Thank you for your kind words. My family greatly appreciates all of the love and support we can get.
    My email is tabaroody@gmail.com

  4. Words cannot even begin to express how sorry I am for your loss of your precious Bailey Marie. It is just so unfair. Sending you strength for the difficult days ahead. Don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone. ~Christine

  5. I feel the same I know how it feel . I loss my beautiful 7 weeks old last 8th Oct.2015. I always stories about baby loss perhaps just to know that Iam not alone in this sorrow. Few hours to go everyone is celebrating for new year to come. But im here in my dark room crying for my loss. I hope we all find happiness in new year come. God Bless us all. And our little one up there will give us hug until we meet them again.x

  6. I’m crying my eyes out reading that,there’s nuthing I can say or do that will take your pain away, they say it gets easier but I dont think it does , I still cry most days after giving birth to my dead baby at 38 weeks,in November 25th 2014 , I wont forget his cold body in my arms all I have left is his photos and his clothes he was wearing, his funeral was a blur if I’m honest with you, I find it very hard going to his grave as it makes it all real he’s gone, my life just wont be the same again ither so please believe me when I say I feel ur pain and ur partners to, I still feel numb and walk around with a pain in my heart but have to carry on for the kids I have as they need a mum, but it’s hard god bless you and hope day by day u will get a little stronger and my thoughts are with you, please try and stay strong I hate that word but its the only thing we can do right now xx

  7. I am sorry for your losses. I have not found that it gets easier you just learn how to live with it. Mornings are the worst for me, waking up and realizing what my reality is. I have cried everyday, multiple times a day since October 14. I visit her grave every morning and have my morning coffee with her. I feel like a zombie going through life. Every time I meet a new angel mommy I know my Bailey has gained a friend up there. I am scared for this year to end because this is her year, I do not want anyone to ever forget about my Bailey. She is and always will be my first child. I miss her everyday. My prayers are with you all as we continue to learn to live life without our precious babies in our arms.

  8. My son passed 10/21/2015 the worst feeling was leaving the hospital without him. I wish my son was still in my belly its so hard to talk about it.

  9. Tina Rose says:

    I am so sorry for your loss of your precious daughter, Bailey Marie. My heart aches for you so much. It is so unfair she isnt here with you. As others have mentioned, you are not alone. Sending love and light…

  10. I’m so sorry for your loss Taylor. I just lost my baby girl in New Year’s eve, she only lived for 2 hours after she was born, I lost her to Osteogenesis Imperfecta (brittle bone disease) type 2. I miss her every single second, with every breath I take, I’d give my life to see her and hold her again, her name was Luisette Marie. The only thing that comforts me is that she went straight to heaven since we had time to Baptist her. I bet your Bailey and my Luisette are good friends in heaven now ♡. Much love to you!

  11. Taylor, I am so sorry this happened to you. It is so unfair and makes no sense. I experienced PTSD after being in the hospital with my sick baby girl for 17 days and watching her slowly die ( she was born with a rare fatal disease and we were expecting a healthy baby). But I can not imagine the trauma you experienced going through that accident and then being separated from and losing your Bailey. Know that you are a Mom, a wonderful one, and her spirit will always be with you. You are not alone. Sending a virtual hug.

  12. Kim, I am very sorry for your loss. I appreciate your kind words. I do suffer from PTSD from everything involving our tragedy. I will forever search for answers that I will never get. I want my Bailey here more than anything in this world. It is so hard for me to feel like a mom with such empty arms. Hugs back to you.

  13. Deb Fretz says:

    Taylor,

    I am so sorry to read your story about Bailey Marie. Your story broke my heart. I can’t believe the cards some of us have been dealt. You were so close to having her with you! Why do these things happen. I’m sure you ask these things as well. I lost my son Samuel on Oct 1, 2015. I hope this pain gets easier to live with. Our children will never be forgotten and they will always have their mamas longing to hold them. Many hugs to you dear.

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