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Mom to Baby

Went to Heaven on November 12, 2015

Budapest, Hungary

“I made you, but you made me a mother.”

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years when we decided to start trying for a baby. I was 19 and my boyfriend was 20.

I always knew there was something wrong with my fertility. When we first started dating, I wasn’t on birth control. We were using the ‘pull out method’ for 10 months and I had never gotten pregnant. I knew there was something wrong with me. We used birth control pills for one and a half years. I got tired of it, and I had awful baby fever for years by that time, and we started trying in May 2015.

After 6 months, I started to get impatient, and decided to visit my OBGYN. He prescribed me Clomid. I took Clomid in November 2015, our 7th cycle. I was supposed to see my doctor on the second week of my cycle, to see if my follicles were growing or not, but I could only see him a week later. When I finally had my appointment, the doctor checked my uterus with the ultrasound, and said that he could see a gestational sac! He showed me what he was seeing on the monitor, and I saw our baby for the first and last time. I was 2 weeks, 6 days. It was super early, and he had warned me that things could still go either way. But I didn’t care. I was so happy! I was smiling all day, and I felt so happy like never before.

I told my mom, my boyfriend and a friend. They were excited and happy, although my boyfriend and I were a bit scared too. After all, we were parents now!

After the first shock wore off, I started to worry. I had no symptoms except sore boobs. I had this feeling, that something will go wrong. I took a few pregnancy test, but they all came up only faintly positive.

On the 11th of November, I had a bit of spotting. I tried to shake it off; I tried not to worry. Spotting is common during early pregnancy after all… The next day (3w5d), I started bleeding. I bled for a week, and when I went to see my OBGYN again, he said that our baby was gone. I knew by that time of course. I knew that Baby couldn’t have survived all this bleeding, but I was still crushed. I was devastated. We both were.

I told my mom and my friend. They were so sorry for me. I didn’t want to tell anyone after that, because I didn’t need their pity. But now I want people to know about Baby. I want people to know how much he means to us, and how much he had changed our lives. I am still a mother. We are still parents.

After we lost Baby, I wanted to cope. I wanted to survive this, but I didn’t know how I could survive losing our child. I started talking to a girl on Tumblr who also just lost her baby, who she had named Bean. Talking to her really helped me. Getting drunk, well, not so much.

We started trying right after we lost Baby, but I’m not sure if we are ready yet. Physically I’m OK, but I still need some time to grieve. I find comfort in the thought that Baby died not knowing pain, hunger or suffering, only love. Unconditional love.

I am sorry, Baby, that I had failed you. That my body was not strong enough for you. I miss you a lot. We both miss you. We love you, Baby. You will always be our first child, our little angel. We will never forget you. I can’t wait until we meet again.

Dora can be found on tumblr at: dora-and-babyangel.tumblr.com

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  1. Dora, I am so very sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and strength now and in the coming weeks and months.

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