Then again in March 2007 my period didn’t come on time. I didn’t know what would be normal after having a miscarriage just two months prior. So I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until the beginning of April when I became what I think was sick but never ended up going away, I began to think that I might have been pregnant. I took a test the next morning and it came back positive. I was excited. I didn’t know if I was ready that soon after losing my first baby to become a mom, but I was going to do my best and try everything possible to have this wonderful gift. That was short lived. 8 days after getting the positive test I began to bleed. This time pretty painlessly. I called my doctor and explained my situation. And she said to wait until my scheduled appointment the next day. It was awful trying to sleep that night. I had the fear that this was happening all over again. I didn’t think I could handle that. When I got to the office the next day, she ordered blood work, urine specimen, and an ultrasound. My heart was racing during the entire appointment. The technician started the scan and she wouldn’t let me see the screen. Tears started pouring down my face. I knew. I just knew. The doctor came in quickly after the ultrasound tech left the room. She confirmed my fears. “I am sorry there was no heartbeat and you are passing fetal tissue.” I was stunned. I just sat there and had no idea even how to breath. This news just stopped my world from spinning. I couldn’t believe it.
I moved back to my home town shortly after losing my second baby. My step mother had passed in June of 2007 and I wanted to be around my family. I was still in high school, young and irresponsible. I didn’t deal well with losing my step mother so I turned to drugs and alcohol to take the pain away. I wasn’t being safe with my sexual behaviors. So when my period didn’t come in August I was beyond worried. I took a test and it was positive. Again. I wasn’t making the right decisions in life but I knew I had to do right and take care of this precious baby inside of me. I went to the doctor right away. Everything was fine I was 6 weeks pregnant and everything looked great. Baby had a strong heartbeat. It was a miracle. My step mom showing me there was hope. I started to get excited. I thought that this was it. I would have a beautiful baby in a few months time and my life would be complete. And like every other time, I was dead wrong. I woke up one morning in October and felt as if I wet the bed. I looked down and it was blood. A lot of blood. I panicked and rushed to the hospital. I was so scared. In shock even. How could this be happening to me again. Why me? Had I not done something right? The doctor confirmed my worst fears. I was losing another baby. Again at 11 weeks. I was given the option of a D&C or to take a pill that would help me finish “aborting” the baby. The way that some people word things in such devastating times just gets me. I didn’t want to have surgery. I hadn’t even told anyone that I was pregnant. How would I explain the surgery. I opted to just let nature takes it toll. And let my child pass naturally through my body while I was at home. It was the saddest thing I had ever done. I had to watch such a small baby pass from me. I will never forget that day.
Needless to say I was in shock after losing so many babies so early and all in a row. No doctors had an answer. All were ruled “natural miscarriages”. I always questioned what was so natural to loss so many of your own. Time went on and I began to heal. I met the man of my dreams and married him in 2012. We waited a while before talking about babies but I always knew it would be a long difficult road but a path I HAD to travel. Nothing was going to stop me from being the mother I always knew I was.
In May 2015 my period hadn’t come. I didn’t think anything about it because ever since losing my third baby every couple of months I would just skip a period entirely. I thought this was one of those times. But when my breasts got tender I knew. We took a test in the evening of May 24 th and it came back positive. I was in shock so we took another one right after. Positive as well. We were so excited. We immediately called family. I thought for sure the Lord was blessing me with a baby. I had done everything right this time. I was married, just started buying a home. Everything seemed perfect. It felt different this time. And it was so different this time. After having an early ultrasound done. They told me the baby looked great. It was developing perfectly and I was right on track. Doctors appointments were normal. The baby’s heartbeat was so strong and beautiful. I felt sick and bloated and started to gain weight. It was wonderful. This was it! Finally. Until the evening of August 5th. I woke from a nap feeling the need to have a bowel movement. But when I used the restroom the sensation was something I had never felt before. I felt pressure in my vagina. Like a ballooning effect. I panicked and my husband drove me to the hospital immediately. The did any ultrasound and as soon as the Doppler touched my belly and I could hear that beautiful thumping of a heartbeat I was relieved. I thought whatever was wrong could be fixed because my baby was still alive! The nurse came in shortly after to do a pelvic exam. When she went to place the speculum she looked shocked and asked who my doctor was. I told her and she left the room. The on call doctor came and with a look of horror in her eyes. I knew she didn’t want to have to tell me this. She said I have an incompetent cervix. Basically the ballooning feeling was my water bulging into the birth canal because my cervix had painlessly dilated fully and was completely effaced. I couldn’t believe it. What could we do? I had also had a slow leak in my amniotic fluid and the baby was stuck in the fetal position because there wasn’t much room to move around. Normally they would do an emergent cerclage at this time but because I had a leak in my fluid, the baby could get an infection and it could kill the baby. I also could have gotten an infection as well. My options were to wait and see at home and wait for my body to finish labor, or to induce and have the baby that night. It took my husband and I awhile to figure out what to do I couldn’t bear to know that my baby was hanging on for dear life and my body was just letting it slip away. We decided to induce. I was induced at 1:52 a.m. on the 6th of August. And my beautiful baby girl was born at 3:53. I can’t even describe the pain I felt. I wanted so badly for her to start crying. To take a breath. But she was just too small to make it outside of my body. We held her and cried. Our families joined us and were a great support. The hardest part was leaving the hospital ( my place of employment) without her. She was buried less than a mile from our home. And we visit often. We miss her so very much.
Now that we know what is wrong. The doctors want me to have a vaginal cerclage done the next time we conceive. But the success rate isn’t that great. 85% to viability (24 weeks). I don’t know that I could take that chance. There is the abdominal cerclage that is 97% to 37 weeks. This is the choice we have made. Now it’s a matter of getting insurance to approve it. Most insurance companies won’t approve because it is a more invasive surgery. They will pay for it if I have a “failed” vaginal cerclage. We don’t understand that. Why would we risk losing another baby. How many must I lose before we get our rainbow baby?
These days are hard. But all I think about anymore is making my daughter’s life purposeful. She sacrificed herself so that her siblings may have a chance.
We love and miss you babies. All of you!
God will you please give them each a kiss from mommy and watch over them until I get there some day!
I am the face of Incompetent Cervix.
Nikki may be contacted at: dhall003@Gmail.com