Mom to Two Babies
March 9, 2009 and September 4, 2015
It’s hard enough when you are terrified from the moment you find out you’re pregnant. Having multiple miscarriages makes it even harder. When you’ve tried for over 5 years to get pregnant after the first miscarriage, I think fear doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings you have during that time.
After the first miscarriage, due to a D&C that wasn’t complete, I wound up in the hospital for a week from complications, paving the way for a serious fear of pregnancy and miscarriage and D&C.
After over 5 years of trying, my husband and I got the news we had been praying for. “Congratulations, you are definitely pregnant.” From those words on, I prayed and never stopped. On my 12-week ultrasound, [came] the next most defining words, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat.” Your entire world stops, right?
As you start to tell your nearest and dearest, the platitudes start. And you waver between anger that they don’t understand so they keep feeding you all the lines, to feeling terrible because you know they are just doing what they can to help you. But they can’t help. They can’t take the pain, the anger, the guilt.
Then you have the people who wonder why you told everyone so early to begin with. Because we were ecstatic. Because we wanted to share it with the world. So with all of this pain and anger, we’re shamed for sharing our excitement, leading to us having to share our heartache.
And now I’m terrified. I’m scared beyond belief to get pregnant again, only to be told we lost the baby again. I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know how to let go of the guilt of “If only I had done this differently or the doctor had noticed this earlier.” I don’t know how to tell my husband I’m terrified. My husband, who has talked of having kids from the very beginning. I’m so scared. And my nearest and dearest don’t understand. They don’t understand how I can love God and curse him at the same time. They don’t understand why I blame myself and continually tell me to stop blaming myself.
But I’ll do as I’ve always done. I’ll move on, I’ll keep plugging and one day, I pray, we will be blessed. If I have days of anger, I’ll have them. If I have days of overwhelming sadness, I’ll have them. I’ll feel them and I’ll move on. At some point, I’ll start having more happy days than anything.