Mommy to Messiah
About four and a half months ago [at time of writing] at 18 weeks I lost my son due to an infection called chorioamnionitis. I was told at one of my pre natal appointments I had the group b strep bacteria in my vagina, but they could not give me anything until I was in labor. About a month after I had my miscarriage, the doctor told me the infection is what caused my water to break early. The group b strep is what caused the chorioamnionitis. Finding out the physical cause of why I lost my son helped a little. The doctor described the probability of the infection as ‘bad luck’ and ‘ rare’.
A few days before it all happened, my water partially broke when I went to use the bathrooom. I did not know what it was at the time so I did not take immediate concern. It came out like a bubble , and at first I thought I was having my baby right there! Once I got to work I was experiencing some bleeding and spotting with no cramps. I went to the hospital after I got off of work and was placed in an ER room at about 12:30 am. After I had an ultrasound done at about 4 am, I started crying because I had a feeling something was wrong. At about 5:30 am a doctor and Obgyn came in and told us there was no fluid around my son and I was going to miscarry. It ripped our hearts in half and did not feel real .
Once I was admitted and taken up to my room, reality hit me and I burst out in tears. My due date was 09/01, and I was there in the delivery room five months early. A few hours later they induced me. The contractions added on to the nightmare. My son surprisingly came sooner than expected. He fell out of me and was partially under my leg when my fiancé lifted up the sheet and found him. It was a boy just like I wanted. He was born with a heartbeat and lived for 20 minutes. My fiancé held him until he died in his hands. The one nurse I had was very helpful and caring. She even put together a box of items to remember him, including pictures and a little knit pouch she placed him in that had a little heart on it.
We had a funeral service about two weeks after he passed. I was great for the first month after my son died. But then I got stuck in a depression that I just recently sought out help for by going to a counselor. My depression went from being sad about my baby, to my other personal issues being exposed one after the other, which caused me to be very irritable and short tempered. It took a toll on my relationship. We even had to postpone getting married. Now that I realize I was actually depressed and how I was treating him I feel aweful. But he has stood by my side despise my craziness.
As of late, I feel a lot better but I’m still working on a few things. I have at least accepted everything for what it is & realize its all about taking what life throws at you. Most importantly I’ve realized how I am blessed because my fiancé and I are still here and still have each other. We now have a guardian angel looking after us. I continue to hold onto my faith and look forward to trying to conceive again in a few months.
Alyssa can be reached at Alyssaxd59@aol.com