Mom to Paisley Lynn
May 23, 2015
Since day one everyone has told me it would help to talk to someone who has been through what I’ve been through. It will help you to heal and cope, it will give you hope to hear about success after loss. All of that sounds great, but it is easier said than done. It isn’t like people walk around carrying a sign saying I lost my daughter/son. I can’t go to the group meetings suggested by the hospital because I don’t do well in a social setting. I am a very shy and private person. I always have been and most likely always will be.
Before this happened to me I never even thought about how common or uncommon it might be. My fiancé shared our story on facebook and a couple people mentioned that they’ve been through what we have been through but I still found myself struggling to reach out to anyone because I don’t know what to say…
On May 23, 2015 this incredible and heartbreaking Journey began for me.
My name is Judy and I am 26 years old [at time of posting], my fiance and I had been trying to get pregnant. This is our first child and I wasn’t sure I could get pregnant because I feared I had PCOS. After only three months of trying my fiance urged me to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative but it was positive! We had our first ultrasound on February 12, 2015 and we heard our child’s heartbeat. My fiance cried when he heard it. He is such a sweetheart and he was so excited. From that moment on our child became my whole world. I made it my goal to do everything by the book; stay active, eat healthy, avoid all the foods that aren’t safe for pregnant women, get plenty of rest. You name it and I was doing it.
At every visit we received nothing but good news, baby Pack was growing strong and healthy. We were beginning to get very excited. We knew our gender ultrasound was scheduled for May 13. He wanted a boy so badly but I had a feeling the whole pregnancy that it was a girl. On May 13, 2015 we found out that we were having a little girl! They even said she was a week ahead of schedule growth wise. We rushed out to buy everything pink! At this point I was 19 weeks pregnant and overjoyed.
Little did I know everything would come crashing down in just 10 short days. On Tuesday May 19, 2015 I had an appointment with my OBGYN. Everything was perfect, her heartbeat was perfect, and my uterus felt like it was normal. The Dr. sent me home with a goody bag of formula, bottles, little baby soft books etc.
Fast forward to Friday May 22, 2015, the beginning of the end… I noticed some discharge in my underwear all day that day. I thought it was weird but the Dr. had mentioned it would happen eventually. It wasnt yellow or bloody so I tried not to worry about it. I ate dinner and went to bed. Around 10 pm I started having back pains. They hurt but they werent unbearable. It seemed like every hour I was tossing and turning because I couldnt get comfortable due to the pain. Then the pain started increasing and it seemed like every 30 mins the pain was coming stronger and stronger. It literally felt like my back was breaking I began pacing the room and trying to brace myself for the pains. I would bend over to try to ease the pain.
My fiance was awake now it was around 5AM and he had to get ready for work. He told me to calm down and not get worked up. He said to take a shower for the pain, it’s probably nothing. I am a slight hypochondriac so overreacting is unfortunately common for me. I insisted he look up the symptoms of preterm labor. As a first time mother I didn’t realize I had been experiencing contractions, but I had this sinking feeling that something was not right. He looked it up and reassured me that preterm labor was not happening.
Per his suggestion I took a shower. He left for work. I laid down but the pain did not stop. A big pain hit me so hard that I moved quickly to get out of bed and walk the pain off (walking did seem to help) the moment my feet hit the floor fluid gushed out everywhere. Lots of fluid… I was terrified. I wiped and there was also a small ting of blood. I decided the only thing that would make me feel better is to get checked out at urgent care. I went to Mount Carmel East urgent care but it was too early and they were closed. Luckily the Hospital was nearby so I went to the ER. They said since I was 21 weeks they had to send me to labor and delivery.
Labor and delivery asked what was going on, I explained the pain, the fluid loss and my fears. They said not to worry this has happened before and they can stop labor as long as my water hadnt broken. The nurse checked the babys heartbeat and looked concerned. She said the heartbeat was high which usually doesnt happen unless there’s infection. She told me to relax and the midwife would do a vaginal exam. The midwife examined me and confirmed my worst fear… my water had broken and my daughter was in the birth canal.
The nurse said she should let the doctors explain but she wanted to give me a chance to try to “prepare”. She said there was a foul smell which meant infection had forced me into labor and this early nothing can be done to save the baby. Everything from this point on was like a blur. They moved me to a delivery room and took and ultrasound. The doctor said she was coming out feet first. I called my fiance at work to come to the hospital.
When he arrived he said I had a look he’s seen before at war (he is a veteran). He described it as the 1000 yard stare. Im sure he was right I don’t know what my face looked like. My mind was lost I was tryig my best to cope with pain while wrapping my mind around the fact that I had to deliver her alive and watch helplessly as she died.
That is exactly what happened. I delivered Paisley Lynn Pack on May 23, 2015, weighing 13.8 oz and 11.25 inches. She was absolutely beautiful and I couldn’t bear the pain of holding her but my fiance urged me to try. I’m so glad he did, holding her while she was still warm and her heart was beating is a memory I’ll never forget. She was such a fighter she even came out kicking. I delivered her feet first.
Paisley lived 30 minutes before her heart stopped beating. She lived long enough for mommy and daddy to hold her and long enough to be baptized. Some days are better than others but most days I feel so incredibly empty. I just can’t understand what went so wrong. I had no warning. I didn’t have a fever. I beat myself up that I should’ve known, I should’ve gone to the hospital sooner… To this day I still don’t know what the infection was or what caused it.
I want so badly to be pregnant again. Paisley was so loved. We have so many baby items, clothes, diapers, crib, swing, pack n play, shoes, bottles, bibs. My family was so happy to have a little girl. It has been five years since anyone has had a baby, so naturally everyone got buy happy and went overboard spoiling our princess. I am by no means trying to replace my daughter. She is irreplaceable… I am just trying to fill up the emptiness in my life and try again.
Just this week I had a follow up with the OBGYN she wants me to wait a month or two before trying to have another baby. She wants to try to find out what the infection was by examining my delivery records, and she wants to go back and analyze ultrasounds to see if my uterus is possibly shaped funny. She gave us a pamphlet on Makena and said that our game plan for baby #2 is to begin injections at 16 weeks. The way she explained it sounded like a miracle, almost too good to be true. Shots to prevent preterm labor and everything will be okay? In the moment it was what I wanted to hear but now I am scared that the Makena shots will cause problems.
All I really have now is hope. Hope that my sweet angel Paisley will watch over me and her sibling someday. Hope that I can deliver a healthy full term baby. Hope that I will see her again someday. There will always be pain and this has changed my life forever. I will be walking on eggshells with each pregnancy, but I want to try again.