Mom to Tyler Hayes

August 31, 2011 (43 minutes of life)

Pensacola, Florida

(I’m not sure if this is the type of story that you would want to share, but I thought maybe it might help someone.)
What keeps me awake.

I’ve shut you out. All of you.
The fear of pain has become my reason.
I used to be fine with pain and neglect.

I was forgiving. I am not now.

Pain and anger were the two emotions I had become closest to. I understood them. I dealt with them and was able to move on.What fear I was frozen by as a teenager, I was able to outgrow. I guess it came with my daughter, purpose has always been my savior.

But a purpose was stolen from me. I didn’t do anything wrong. I had no control. I think that’s what has made me even more hateful than I was before.

I grew up with a mother that chose not to be there. My father, God bless him, was doing what he thought was his best. He grew up with his own issues and tried to hide them. Sadly, not well enough.

So after all of that, I had Cheyenne. I had a reason to live. I told myself, I’d prove them all wrong. I was coached to give her up or abort her by my closest family; I understood why. Fear of failure, after my mother, would be easy to assume. And I forgave them.

But for a few years, I felt powerful. I felt a source of self confidence. It was addicting. I worked my ass off. I made sure she wanted for nothing. I still do, but it does not have the same effect.

A few years ago, I felt powerful enough to do it again. I was happy. I was at peace. I finally felt ok with myself. Someone loved me. Not for any other reason but me. And they wanted to make a baby with me! I could finally feel what a real family felt like. After raising Chy on my own as an infant, I thought maybe this one time, I’d get to have a baby and enjoy him or her. A family. The biggest wish I ever had. Unconditional love. The one thing I’ve lived without.

Now, the unconditional love part…….that’s the kicker. I don’t honestly think my father is capable of it. I know he tried. I saw it. But he can’t get past his own hurt. My mother, well I’m not even sure what her issue is. When I was a child, I had it. My grandmother, god mother and aunts and uncles. But then I grew up. I rebelled on purpose to test them. They failed. I never forgave them. But that’s not fair, to anyone. Just because I didn’t love myself enough to believe that anyone else could is not a reason to hurt people. But I did. It’s funny, you’d think I was doing heroin and killing puppies the way my family treated me. But alas, I started it. They failed a test I am guilty and shamed for doing and maybe they dislike themselves a bit for not passing. I’m not sure. Either way, it was the wrong way to go.

Back to the good part……….I was pregnant. I was happy. I was in love and so very peaceful.

It started slow. Just a few drops of blood…..I won’t go into it.

He was gone. I never recovered. I know most people can’t see why a person can’t get over a lost child. People have done it from the beginning of time. For me though, it was and is really hard. I try not to make excuses for my actions, but it is what it is.

With the loss of Tyler went my peace. My love for myself. My confidence. I won’t ever get that back. It’s shaped me into a person who hides. Who is so angry, but cries at the drop of a dime. It’s made me hate myself and everyone else. It’s caused me to shut all of you out.

I’m sorry for that. I wish I knew how to be better. I’ve paid a lot of money to help my “problems” but in the end I think it’s just damaged. Scar tissue doesn’t heal and that was my last hope.

I am weak. I know. I’ve somewhat come to term with that. My actions are of a weak-minded person. It’s not ok, but it’s the truth.

We live with our choices and we live with the life choices that we have no control over. Unconditional loves is the key. Love has always been the key.

He’s not here but people tell me he loves me. I will always love him. Even in death. Happy due date…..January 4th.

You can email Rachel at rhayes2005@outlook.com

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  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our Buddy 3 years ago. Although we’ve had a daughter since, it still hurts like hell. Love conquers all.

  2. Rachel Richardson says:

    I am sorry for your loss. I too am the face of infant loss.

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