Mom to William
April 27, 2013
My son, William, was stillborn. That is the hardest sentence I have ever said. He was born still at 38 ½ weeks from a true knot in his cord. He was our last child, the final chapter in our family. I have three teenage daughters and a 7 year old son. We wanted one more and tried for several years to have a baby. I had two miscarriages before William. Those two losses made me hesitant to become attached to William in the first half of my pregnancy and now I regret losing those precious months.
Once I passed the 20 week mark, my husband and I thought we were home free. We started buying baby items and started planning for the future with our new baby. At 38 weeks I was seeing my OB and having weekly sonograms. My OB had set an induction date of May 1st which was one week shy of my due date. Due to me being over 40 and my slightly elevated blood pressure, she didn’t want me to go past 39 weeks.
I saw my OB on Friday, April 26th and everything was fine. His heartbeat was strong and he was active. I remember him having the hiccups that afternoon. They were so strong that I even texted my husband to tell him about it. That is the last memory I have of William moving inside of me. I was busy that night and didn’t notice if anything was wrong. I assume that he must have been kicking because I didn’t notice that I wasn’t feeling him until sometime during the night.
I went to the hospital that Saturday morning just to make sure all was OK. I didn’t even have my husband come with me. I was sure everything was fine. When the doctor on call and the sono tech confirmed that there was no heartbeat, I couldn’t breathe. My husband was there with me by that time and we cried together. I was induced right away.
During my labor, we called our teenage daughters and asked them to come to the hospital. Telling them the news was so hard. They cried with us and tried to understand. My husband and I called our parents. The heartbreak was indescribable.
After 4 hours of labor, my sweet baby was born. We kept him with us for several hours and held him. I wish that we had taken more pictures. We don’t even have a picture of my husband holding him.
The doctor said that he had 2 true knots in his cord. True knots are tied in the cord early in the 2nd trimester from him moving around. They are quite rare. Apparently sometime during the previous night he flipped over and pulled one of the knots too tight. True knots generally affect the baby during delivery and not before.
The next days went by in a blur. I had to do unimaginable things like visit a funeral home, pick out a casket, choose an outfit to bury my baby in, and choose a head stone. I was in a daze and could barely function.
I am eternally grateful to my family and friends for taking care of me during that time. I regret that my other children have had to face this kind of loss so early in their lives. I worry that my daughters will not enjoy their own pregnancies some day because they have seen what can happen. I worry that my son will always carry the loss of the brother he wanted so badly like a heavy load that he cannot get out from under. I feel like a broken person and I don’t know if I will ever feel whole again.
You can contact Amy at: Amy.firstname.lastname@example.org