Mother to Ruby Josephine
Miscarried April 2010
My husband and I had been married for 10 years and had one son. We suffered through infertility treatments for years and with no success we gave up on another child. I began to focus on building the career I had dreamed of and just as I could see my career on the horizon, we discovered we were pregnant. It seemed typical. People always said, “as soon as you stop trying to get pregnant, it will happen.” Well, it had been two years since we had “stopped” so the pregnancy very unexpected.
My husband was super excited but I wasn’t. Even though I wanted another child, the timing wasn’t right. I felt guilty about this but after a week or so, things settled in and I began to get excited. We told our then six year old son that we were expecting and he was very excited and happy to be a big brother. As soon as I told him and began to announce the pregnancy, I began to bleed.
From that moment, I knew something was wrong. I had struggled with progesterone deficiency with my son’s pregnancy and I began to have my progesterone monitored. I tried to get supplementation but my insurance company didn’t want to provide it. I finally found a provider that would but I feared it was too late.
I continued to bleed and spot off and on for weeks. I had ultrasounds weekly that showed the baby was growing and at one ultrasound, we saw the heartbeat. Even though the baby was growing, I had a terrible feeling my outcome would be poor. I tried to push aside the feelings that my pregnancy was going to end and tried to enjoy the pregnancy for the sake of my husband and son. I felt like I was living a lie on a daily basis. I was under so much stress trying to be positive and it wasn’t working.
Then one day, at 8 weeks 1 day, I felt like my baby was gone. It felt like the baby’s presence was no more. I was scheduled for an ultrasound in two days but I called and asked if I could go in the following morning. When I arrived, the nurse had a cheery tone and tried to check me in for my first prenatal but I told her that I thought my baby was dead. Her tone changed and she had me wait for an open room. It was so difficult sitting in the waiting room with all the obvious pregnant bellies surrounding me.
By the time I was called back to the room, my son was vomiting. We thought he was sick that morning so we kept him home from school. As the doctor searched and searched for our baby’s heartbeat, that I knew she wasn’t going to find, I began to sob. I had to turn away from the monitor and from the sounds of my son hurling into a bowl. I felt terrible for him as the doctor gave the diagnoses that our baby had died. He was just as devastated.
I asked my husband to take my son out of the room when the doctor left. I needed a few moments to mourn and then collect myself. I didn’t want to leave that room. Even though I knew that I had lost my baby the night before, I felt as if leaving the room meant it was truly over. My husband returned shortly after and cried with me. The baby we had hoped and dreamed for, for years, was dead. The doctor confirmed a seven week plus a few days embryo. I was given my options for miscarriage and left.
We arrived as a family of three and left knowing we would never bring our baby home to become a family of four. This was the most devastating experience of my life.
Elizabeth can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
as well as her blog at www.allthatisseenandunseen.com/blog