481742_4531008845537_2051559309_nDanielle

Mom to Wyatt Joseph

April 9, 2014

Brunswick, Maine

I’m writing to you because I’m a grieving parent of a stillborn. I was due to have a little boy May 20, 2014. We decided to name him Wyatt Joseph. He was my second child and my boyfriend and my first son. We were very excited at the fact that our 19-month-old daughter was going to be a big sister and we finally having a boy. I was working about 50 hours a week my first and second trimester. Once I hit my third, my hours decreased to 20 hours a week.

On Sunday, April 6, 2014, and being 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I had to work a 9-hour shift and of course my baby boy was very active and healthy. He would always move around,so I would call him our little soccer player. Monday, April 7, 2014, I had only worked about 5 hours that evening. Once I got home and relaxed, I realized I hadn’t felt him move all day and I had a feeling something might be wrong. I heard of this happening with other pregnancies and was told he’s just running out of room. With me being a little worried, I decided to go take a bath because he would always move when I would pour warm water on my belly. I did keep feeling pressure and the feeling he was pushing out of my belly, but no kicking or any kind of movement. I decided to go to bed and told my boyfriend if i don’t feel him move by tomorrow afternoon, I would go to the doctor’s.

Tuesday morning, I got up and did some things around the house and still didn’t feel him move. Finally, I called the doctor’s office and they told me to come in. I waited for my ride to show up and left right away. Once I got to the hospital, they told me to go the the maternity ward. They had three nurses trying to find the heartbeat. They kept saying they heard a faint heartbeat but didn’t know if it was mine. In my mind, I was thinking, that’s mine. His heartbeat is faster than mine. I finally told the nurse what I was thinking, so they finally had someone come in the room and do an ultrasound. The two ladies were talking back and forth, then the nurse that was doing the ultrasound spoke up and said, “Should I say something?” The other nurse said, “No not right now.” Then, they just left the room. I was left wondering what was going on? Was my baby ok?

About 5 min after they left, one nurse came back and put her hand on my leg. I knew what was about to happen, so I said, “He didn’t make it, did he?” She told me, “Sweetie, I’m very sorry.” My heart was in my throat. I kept asking, “Are you sure? Are you really sure?” I felt like it was my fault. I should have come in sooner. I was in shock and felt like maybe this was just a dream. Once they admitted me, the doctor came in and told me they wanted to soften up my cervix and get things going. Since we had another child, my boyfriend had to leave for the night to be home with her. I was in the hospital by myself with my thoughts and I had never hurt this bad in my life.

I was still grieving the loss of my grandmother who passed not even a month prior. I was left to cry on my nurse’s shoulder. Around 6:30 on Wednesday April 9th, the doctor had come in to break my water and give me Pitocin to put me in labor. Family and friends showed up to show support, so the nurses and doctors hardly came in the room and didn’t check to see if I had dilated past one. Finally around 2:15 a.m., I felt like the baby’s head was about to pop out, so I had my boyfriend go and get the nurse. It was time to push him out. I started pushing, then all of a sudden I wanted to give up. I didn’t want to see my lil’ boy like this. I wanted him with me always. I started having anxiety, so my boyfriend put his head against mine and told me that he loved me. I finally snapped out of it and continued to push. He was born at 2:34 a.m. on April 9th 2014 weighing at 6 pounds, 3 oz. and 18 inches long.

I finally saw him as they lifted him up. My son was lifeless and grey and I lost it. The nurses got him cleaned up and put his outfit on. They put him in my arms and I cried the most painful tears I have ever cried. He was so perfect and handsome and looked just like our daughter did when she was born. Wyatt passed away because his umbilical cord was wrapped around his feet. I thought, how could something like that take a life away? Why would God give us a life to take it away? I wanted so badly to look into his eyes and tell him I loved him so much. I only had 6 weeks to go until his due date. I was so excited to see him grow and see what kind of man he would become. It’s been almost 2 weeks since he was born and I’m still grieving like it was yesterday [at time of writing]. I have angry moments where I feel like I lost my faith, then times where I pray to God. I don’t know where to go from here at times. I’ve never felt this way or gone through something so tragic in my life. But I keep telling myself that our boy was born an angel and that he’s with my grandmother now and ill see him when God’s plans for me are finished. Until then, I have to be strong, not just for myself but for my daughter as well. She needs me, but I need her more.

You can email Danielle at: danielleperkins21@yahoo.com

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