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Amber

My angels:
December 29th 2009 – Loss at 12 weeks
May 19th 2010 – Loss at 7 weeks
August 8th 2010 – Loss at 8 weeks
May 1st 2012- Loss at 9 weeks

Oshawa, Ontario Canada

This is the letter I wrote to our 4th angel baby.

Three weeks ago [at time of writing] I took a deep breath and I peed on a stick. Before I could blink or even process a thought, I saw those two lines appear. My heart stopped, my heart skipped a beat, I started to shake and take deep breaths. I looked across the room at my beautiful little girl as she played in the dining room. I looked back at myself in the mirror and saw the tears streaming down my face.

I was in absolute shock. How could this be? A natural pregnancy!? The last time we conceived naturally was in November 2009. Back then Miscarriage was just something we had heard of, but didn’t know just how common it was. Nor did we ever think it would happen to us. We faced our biggest fear on my husbands 25th birthday in 2009, at the end of December just after our 12th week of pregnancy. I miss my baby every day and I have never fully recovered from that loss.

Fast forward four very long years later, filled with months among months of fertility hell, two more miscarriages and finally a happy ending….. and there I was standing with a positive pregnancy test in my hands. Eight short months after giving birth to our beautiful IVF baby.

So many people told me that this happened all the time. That once you have one with the help of IVF, something just corrects itself. Your body just knows what to do. All of these thoughts ran through my head as I sat there in the dining room watching my daughter play.

I called my husband at work to tell him. I could hear his heart skip a beat. “Are you sure?” he asked. I could hear the smile on his face. When he got home that evening I could see the fear on his face. We’ve only ever been pregnant once naturally and with 4 long years in between the two, he was afraid it would end in heartbreak. I assured him my levels came back so high and so good. That this was a miracle and a sign. Everything has and had been going so good in our lives. He recently received a promotion at work, the spring was coming, and our lives with our little girl couldn’t have been better. I assured him that there was no way we would just magically get pregnant after all we went through to have our baby girl and it just be taken away from us. We had been through too much and this was finally the real deal.

 Once the shock had worn off after a couple of days, I woke up feeling amazing. The thought of having a second little miracle in our lives was pure bliss. I was so in love already. I would spend my quite time daydreaming about our daughter with her little brother or sister. I was excited about how close in age they would be. I would design the spare room in my head and thought about our gender reveal.

Two weeks after taking that home pregnancy test we went for an ultrasound. There it was, the little heartbeat. Our new son or daughter had a heartbeat and mine was pounding with excitement. That perfect little bouncing speck on the screen is the most magical thing you will ever see.

Three weeks doesn’t seem like a long time to fall in love, but the moment I found out we were pregnant was the moment I fell in love with that baby. With each passing day I only fell harder. Three weeks is a long time in mom time. We were blessed with a second miracle. We were one of those couples that struggled with infertility and came out at the other end with yet another miracle, all on their own. We were THAT couple!

Three weeks was how long I was given before my nightmare became reality, once again. The bleeding started exactly 3 weeks to the day after I found out my baby existed. I tried to remind myself that I bled with our daughter. I actually bled really bad with her. I tried to stay calm, even though I could feel my heart in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. The weekend passed and there was no sign of the bleeding stopping. An emergency ultrasound was performed on the Monday. My darling husband took the afternoon off of work to come with me. He kept reminding me of what I had said to him in the beginning – that this was our miracle. That it was a sign and it wouldn’t be taken away from us just like that. I tried to believe him.

 I laid on the table, took a deep breath and watched the screen… It felt like an eternity and then I saw the black circle inside my uterus. I glimmer of hope entered my mind. I took a closer look only to realize that the sac was not bouncing. There was no flashing heartbeat. That beautiful little heartbeat was gone and at that moment I realized it was all over.

I felt nothing.

 I got up. I walked out of that room as professional as any normal person would after having a meeting. I came home and I gave my daughter a hug and a kiss and I went on with my day like nothing happened.

It wasn’t until I put her to bed and kissed her on the forehead that it all hit me. I felt that horrible pain in my chest, and that sick feeling you get when you ride a roller coaster in my stomach. All the strength I had built up over the past two years, (since we suffered our last miscarriage) came rushing back like a tidal wave.

I always thought that since we were so lucky to have our daughter, the loss of another baby wouldn’t hurt as bad as the ones before her. I have never been more wrong in my entire life. It hurts just as much, and with each loss we face, it only hurts more.

Somehow I am able to compose myself and put a smile on my face for my daughter, but inside I am broken.

Just when I thought I couldn’t get over the shock of being pregnant, now I can’t seem to get over the shock of loosing another baby. I don’t understand why this is happening to us again. I know I’ll never understand it, and just like every loss we have faced, I will never fully recover from it.

As hard as it is and as much as it kills me, I won’t give up. That baby showed me that I am ready and willing to welcome another baby into our lives. That there is enough love in our home to give to another child.

All I have to do is look at our daughter. I think of all the heartache we faced to get to where we are today and I would do it all again a hundred times over. She was worth every needle, every pill, every vile of blood and every tear I shed.

To my 4th little guardian angel; I never got to meet you or feel you kick, but I will never forget you.

Xox – Mommy.

Amber can be reached at amberlynnwilldig@live.ca

 

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