Mom to “Boy”
February 9, 2013
KwaZulu Natal, South Africa
My husband and I had been planning on having a baby since January 2012. After months of trying and trying, I found out through taking a blood test at my local GP that I was about three weeks pregnant in September 2012. My husband and I were overjoyed!!! From then on I took all the necessary precautions, vitamins, etc… At the eight week check-up, we got to see our baby for the first time, this little growing, developing embryo that had already given us so much of joy! It was an emotional experience and I’ll never forget that day.
Check- up, after check-up and our baby was growing healthily. At 16 weeks baby was sucking his thumb, as we had seen on the ultrasound. What a delightful sight! I remember how we looked forward to our appointment with the fetal-maternal specialist on the 11 January. I was 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant and we were going to have the 4D scan of our baby done to check for abnormalities, etc… The scan was fine, there was nothing wrong with our baby-no abnormalities, defects-he was perfect! And he was a boy! I thought my husband was going to cry upon hearing that, especially since he wanted so badly for his first born child to be a SON! My husband didn’t cry but I certainly did. I was so happy that he got what he wanted especially since I was convinced this baby was a girl.
The only concern we left the doctor’s room with was news that I had extra amniotic fluid around the baby. The normal level was 25 and mine was 27. “Mildly high” is what the doctor called it. Upon the next visit to my OBGYN, I was prescribed with Indomethaicin medication to reduce the high level of amniotic fluid. I was only to take it for 4 weeks. On the 31 January I visited the OBGYN and baby was well, being his usual bouncing self, kicking me whilst i was getting checked up. The doctor stated that the medication didn’t seem to be working as the fluid had not reduced YET he didn’t seem to be at all perturbed by this! I certainly was but what could I do because he was after all, the doctor.
Monday, February 4th, that’s the last day I felt my baby move. He gave me strong kicks and punches all day, especially when I ate something. I remember speaking to my little boy all day and since I’m an educator, I recall asking my class not to be so noisy as they were disturbing my baby. Tuesday, February 5th, baby was not moving. I thought he was resting, perhaps he was tired but by that night I was getting anxious to feel him move. Nothing! Wednesday, February 6th, still no movement. My friends said it could be due to the extra amniotic fluid that I cannot feel him move. Others said that if something were wrong with him, I would know, my body would let me know. NOT TRUE!!! Thursday, February 7th, I was panicked!! Crying and scared I went to my doctor…that day turned into the worst day of my life!!! Doctor was searching and searching for the fetal heartbeat and there was none. The doctor’s words “your baby is no more” changed my life in an instant. My first child-no more? How? Why???
Up to today [at time of writing], February 19th, my husband and I are still awaiting answers…Answers we may never get because our doctor says that they can’t explain how our almost 7 month old baby died in my womb! How do I move on from that, with no answers as to WHY???
I delivered my sleeping angel on Saturday, February 9th. Labour was induced and I went through all the excruciating pain a woman would go through…Only for me it was even more emotional and certainly heartbreaking having to deliver a stillborn baby. I did not even have the will to continue at some points during labour. The contractions were as bad as my mental state- I actually thought I might die – no one prepared me for labour. I became wild and uncontrollable, wanting to get of the bed, screaming in agony of the pain in my body. With all that pain and suffering, I delivered my baby boy at 13:45. I remember keeping my eyes closed and just sobbing hysterically as I pushed him out- I was only 7cm dilated so the nurses were quite surprised as they weren’t quite ready for the delivery, especially because my doctor had not come to the hospital by then. He felt so warm in between my legs and I could feel the umbilical cord attached between him and I. And then the nurses cut the cord and took him away. I didn’t look. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to remember my little boy in that way.
It was all over. Almost 7 months together, my baby and I, we bonded, and then it was over.
I thank God for blessing me with a truly wonderful husband. If it were not for my husband, I would not have survived this traumatic experience. He was with me through it all, side by side, hand in hand. His comforting presence and consoling words helped me from going completely over the edge.
This is the second week since my loss [at time of writing]. I am on leave from work for six weeks. Even though I have the most amazing husband, I can’t help but feel empty- empty as a woman. Lonely. Lonely because I’m lacking the companionship of my little boy whom I bonded with so deeply even though I never got to feel him in my arms, I felt him in my heart. I always will. His strong kicks and punches reminded me he was there and I’d speak to him all day until I went to bed. How do I move on from this? I’m so numb . . .a little lost . . .a lot sad.
Samiera can be reached at email@example.com