Mom to Georgia Andrews
January 22, 2014
Bangor, Northern Ireland
At the appointment, the doctor brought me in and asked all the usual questions. Was I feeling ok? Was the baby moving (etc.)?I said yes to all. Then she told me to pop up on the bed to do a quick scan to see where baby is and what’s happening. I laid on the bed and she put the scanner over my tummy. She scanned for what seemed like hours. I kept looking at her face for a glimmer of anything, but there was nothing; just a deathly uncomfortable silence. After a few minutes I asked if everything was okay. She turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry Alex, but I can’t find a heartbeat.” My initial reaction was laughter, unbelievable laughter, as I said, “That’s IMPOSSIBLE!!! The baby was moving on the way up to the hospital and I can still feel it now!!” I demanded a second opinion. Another doctor came in and scanned me again. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “I’m sorry, but look. There is no heartbeat. I’m so very sorry.” She turned the scanner screen around to me and scanned over the heart to show me there was no beat. I just laid there in total numbness and disbelief. I could hear (what seemed distant) my partner actually howling. It was very surreal; like a bad dream.
I then had to go through the horror of delivering. They gave me a tablet straight away to induce labour and within 4 hours, I was in labour. The worst feeling of my life was knowing that I was delivering my dead child with no happy ending… horrendous. What got me through was, and I know this is going to sound completely crazy, but I kept thinking to myself the baby is going to come out and start crying. She is going to prove those doctors wrong. Of course that wasn’t to be, but it got me through that horrendous part.
Four hours later and after 20 minutes of pushing, I delivered my beautiful angel girl, Georgia Andrews, on January 22, 2014 at 3:48 a.m., weighing 4 pounds, 14 1/2 ounces. I was 39 weeks pregnant, one week away from having her. She was absolutely perfect, pink in colour, rosebud lips, jet black hair and really long legs and arms!! She was so, so warm and looked like she was sleeping. I didn’t want to let her go, but knew I had to. So, I held her for awhile, kissed her and told her how much I love her and will love her. I bathed her and changed her into what would have been her going home gear. Then I let her go after a few hours. Seems like years ago now…
We had her cremated. I have half of her ashes with me and the other half are buried at our local cemetery. I wanted a place to visit on birthdays, Xmas or anytime I wanted really. It’s beautiful; she has her own tree.
We chose to have an autopsy done to see what happened, as I couldn’t quite figure out where I went wrong or what went wrong. After 8 long weeks of waiting, we finally got our answer. She had a condition called Pseudomonas. It’s a deadly bacterial infection that somehow got into my womb and placenta and infected her. It happened sometime in the last 3 weeks I was carrying her. Apparently it’s quite common in small babies. I’d never heard of it and I’m now trying to get as much information as I can about it and also spread awareness. What I know so far is that it can enter the cervix if it was not completely closed (which would make sense, as I was close to delivery) OR the bacteria entered my bloodstream and accessed the uterus via the uterine artery, causing stillbirth. I was feeling great and had absolutely no symptoms that anything was wrong, so I wasn’t to know!
So there’s my story. I love telling it, as I’m keeping her alive [in doing so] and I always will [tell it]. I miss her and love her more everyday. A part of me died that day and I know I’ll never be the same person, but life has to go on. She’s my beautiful angel and I can feel her near me all the time….
Stillbirth is such a taboo subject and we need to raise as much awareness as possible.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Feel free to contact me if you fancy a chat…it’s great to hear from other mums!