Miscarried her first baby
March 18, 2013
My husband and I married in December of 2012 with intentions of trying to get pregnant right away. After a couple months of trying, I got a faint pink line of an in-home pregnancy test. I was thrilled but still not 100% sure I was pregnant. I waited until the next day and took another test with the same result. Just to be sure, I purchased a digital test and it said PREGNANT! I was ecstatic! I cried and thanked God over and over again and I told God that I would thank him everyday of my pregnancy, which I did. I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My dream was coming true. I went out and bought a baby balloon and a chalkboard to write “We are Pregnant” on and I made my husband his favorite red velvet cupcakes. I set it all up and when he came home, he was over-the-moon excited! It was one of the best moments of my life.
We didn’t wait to tell people, we were too excited. I assumed since all of the women in my family had healthy pregnancies and because I was in good shape, that I too would have a healthy pregnancy. Our friends and family were so happy and excited for us. I stopped drinking caffeine, I took my vitamins and I started swimming instead of running because I felt it was better for the pregnancy. In the following week or so, nausea set in. I lived on crackers and water. I never complained; I thought nausea was a good sign that things were progressing. In the couple of weeks to follow, I had so many amazing dreams that I was having a little girl which made me believe that we were going to have a little girl. I had always thought I wanted a boy but for some reason, I was so excited to think there was a little girl growing in my belly. At about week 6, I started to feel disconnected from the pregnancy. The dreams stopped and it just felt different but I thought I was just nervous.
I wasn’t suppose to have my ultrasound until March 25th but I moved it up to March 18th, the earliest I could have my first ultrasound according to my OB. I needed the reassurance that I hoped the ultrasound would bring. My husband was suppose to work that day but he rearranged things so he could go with me. He is a pilot and had to fly a day trip after the ultrasound. I remember telling him the night before that I hoped he had someone to fly for him just in case. He didn’t understand that we could possibly get bad news at the ultrasound but I had a feeling. I told him that it can happen where you go in for the ultrasound and sometimes there isn’t a heartbeat. As I laid there and had a vaginal ultrasound on that Monday morning, I could tell that something was possibly wrong especially when the nurse asked me if I had any cramping or bleeding recently. She then quietly said, “I am sorry, but we don’t have good news today. Your baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day.” She hugged me and gave me tissues and let me know the doctor would be right in. It was the worst moment of my life. I had a D&C four days later, which brought closure to some extent. I feel like I have never cried so much within that week.
I will never forget our first baby, even though I was never able to hold our baby, he or she will forever be in my heart.
Six months after my miscarriage, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was such an exciting day but the next 9 months were tough. After a loss, it’s hard to grasp that the same thing won’t happen again. It was somewhat hard to enjoy the pregnancy because I always questioned whether or not this would have a happy ending. I am happy to report that I have a healthy and happy 8 month old boy! He is the love of my life.
I truly believe that I lost the first baby because of what happened right after my miscarriage: my grandpa had a stroke 2 weeks after. It was a stroke that happened during a routine procedure. He lost his ability to swallow and he was in and out of hospitals and rehab for numerous months. I was able to fly to Arizona and spend time with him and to help my grandma with him during the times when he was home. I spent nights at the hospital with my grandpa while he was in the ICU, I spent countless hours with him while he was in rehab. I was the one to help lift him in and out of his wheelchair and sometimes I was just there to hold his hand. If I had been pregnant, I would not have been able to spend all this time with him in germ-filled hospitals while he was having infection after infection. I am so grateful that I was able to spend this time with him even under awful circumstances. My grandpa always had a smile on his face! Unfortunately, he passed away 9 months after his stroke. I’m sad that my grandpa never got to meet my son but I know he is watching over my baby everyday!