annie

Annie

Miscarried her first baby 

March 18, 2013

Ardmore, Oklahoma

My husband and I married in December of 2012 with intentions of trying to get pregnant right away.  After a couple months of trying, I got a faint pink line of an in-home pregnancy test.  I was thrilled but still not 100% sure I was pregnant.  I waited until the next day and took another test with the same result.  Just to be sure, I purchased a digital test and it said PREGNANT!  I was ecstatic!  I cried and thanked God over and over again and I told God that I would thank him everyday of my pregnancy, which I did.  I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My dream was coming true.  I went out and bought a baby balloon and a chalkboard to write “We are Pregnant” on and I made my husband his favorite red velvet cupcakes.  I set it all up and when he came home, he was over-the-moon excited!  It was one of the best moments of my life.

We didn’t wait to tell people, we were too excited.  I assumed since all of the women in my family had healthy pregnancies and because I was in good shape, that I too would have a healthy pregnancy.  Our friends and family were so happy and excited for us.  I stopped drinking caffeine, I took my vitamins and I started swimming instead of running because I felt it was better for the pregnancy.  In the following week or so, nausea set in.  I lived on crackers and water.  I never complained; I thought nausea was a good sign that things were progressing.  In the couple of weeks to follow, I had so many amazing dreams that I was having a little girl which made me believe that we were going to have a little girl.  I had always thought I wanted a boy but for some reason, I was so excited to think there was a little girl growing in my belly.  At about week 6, I started to feel disconnected from the pregnancy.  The dreams stopped and it just felt different but I thought I was just nervous.  

I wasn’t suppose to have my ultrasound until March 25th but I moved it up to March 18th, the earliest I could have my first ultrasound according to my OB.  I needed the reassurance that I hoped the ultrasound would bring.  My husband was suppose to work that day but he rearranged things so he could go with me.  He is a pilot and had to fly a day trip after the ultrasound.  I remember telling him the night before that I hoped he had someone to fly for him just in case.  He didn’t understand that we could possibly get bad news at the ultrasound but I had a feeling.  I told him that it can happen where you go in for the ultrasound and sometimes there isn’t a heartbeat.  As I laid there and had a vaginal ultrasound on that Monday morning, I could tell that something was possibly wrong especially when the nurse asked me if I had any cramping or bleeding recently.  She then quietly said, “I am sorry, but we don’t have good news today.  Your baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day.”  She hugged me and gave me tissues and let me know the doctor would be right in.  It was the worst moment of my life.  I had a D&C four days later, which brought closure to some extent.  I feel like I have never cried so much within that week.  

I will never forget our first baby, even though I was never able to hold our baby, he or she will forever be in my heart.   

Update:

Six months after my miscarriage, I got a positive pregnancy test.  It was such an exciting day but the next 9 months were tough.  After a loss, it’s hard to grasp that the same thing won’t happen again.  It was somewhat hard to enjoy the pregnancy because I always questioned whether or not this would have a happy ending.  I am happy to report that I have a healthy and happy 8 month old boy!  He is the love of my life.

I truly believe that I lost the first baby because of what happened right after my miscarriage: my grandpa had a stroke 2 weeks after.  It was a stroke that happened during a routine procedure.  He lost his ability to swallow and he was in and out of hospitals and rehab for numerous months.  I was able to fly to Arizona and spend time with him and to help my grandma with him during the times when he was home.  I spent nights at the hospital with my grandpa while he was in the ICU, I spent countless hours with him while he was in rehab.  I was the one to help lift him in and out of his wheelchair and sometimes I was just there to hold his hand.  If I had been pregnant, I would not have been able to spend all this time with him in germ-filled hospitals while he was having infection after infection.  I am so grateful that I was able to spend this time with him even under awful circumstances.  My grandpa always had a smile on his face!  Unfortunately, he passed away 9 months after his stroke.  I’m sad that my grandpa never got to meet my son but I know he is watching over my baby everyday!  

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