Mom to Greyson Eliana
June 11, 2012 – June 13, 2012
Punta Gorda, Florida
My sweet hubby and I had been married barely a year when we were surprised with our first pregnancy. We were so shocked, but so excited and so thankful for this little miracle the Lord was giving us! After a pretty uneventful pregnancy, I went into labor 2 weeks early!
Our precious firstborn was born on Monday, June 11, 2012. I went into labor in the early morning and started having contractions 1-3 minutes apart. This continued until around 4 p.m. I walked and walked and even got into the pool to walk around the shallow end to keep labor moving along. At 11 a.m., I was dilated to 3cm and by 4 p.m., only 4cm. I was convinced I wanted this baby out by 7 p.m.
At 5 p.m., my midwife checked me and very soon after my water broke. Everything began picking up very quickly. I was in extreme pain for 2 hours, dilated from 4-10cm and then it was time to push! At 7:17 p.m., after 15 minutes of pushing, our tiny lil blessing was on my chest! After the intense pain began to subside, all I could focus on was her! So cute and sweet and perfect! Instant love. It was all worth it!
I got to nurse her right away, she fell asleep on me and I fell asleep, too. The next day was a doctor’s visit, where she was found to be tiny (5lb. 4oz.) but very healthy. I was so in love and so thankful to the Lord for giving us such a special gift.
The next day flew by. We crawled into bed and fell asleep like the night before, with her daddy and me trading turns sleeping and her and I nursing and falling asleep together.
We woke up around 6 a.m. on June 13th and she nursed again. Around that time, my Mom came to take her for a little bit while my hubby and I got some sleep. That would be my last time holding my baby alive.
Greyson spent 2 hours with her Nana, swinging on the porch swing, reading her Bible and just being loved. Around 8:30 a.m., my Mom came in panicked saying Greyson had stopped breathing in her arms! It was every parent’s worst nightmare where you freeze, panic, and really don’t even know what to do all at the same time. We started CPR, and called 911. They were there within 5 minutes. I was praying and in shock.
At the E.R., we were ushered into a private waiting room where a chaplain was already awaiting us. I just buried my face in my hands or in my husband’s arms and begged God to allow her to live! I prayed for a miracle over and over and over and over. I knew God was there. I could feel Him, comforting us and preparing us for what was next. He was taking care of us every single second, just like He had our whole lives, through the good and the bad and now through the tragic.
They worked on her for 2 hours bringing her back, but each time, she’d be worse off. It was a nightmare.
They called my husband and I in around 10:30 and we got to talk to her as they prepared to transfer her to a bigger hospital. I told her I loved her so much, but if she needed, she could go to Jesus. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I knew then, God was not going to answer our prayers the way we wanted.
We left for a little while longer as they continued to work on her and she continued to get worse. They called us back in to say good-bye and said they were taking her off life support. “There’s nothing we can do.” Words you just never want to hear.
They brought in a rocker for me and I got to hold her and she took her final breaths. Saddest, hardest, most painful moments of my entire life. I rocked her and kissed her and told her how much I loved her. I felt Jesus asking me if I would allow Him to take her. It took me awhile, but finally I said, “OK, Jesus” and saw Him walk away with her bundled up close to His heart.
I wanted to stop time. I wanted her alive.
I wanted to die.
Leaving the hospital was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
But living each day in hope and trying to find purpose has been equally as hard. Day after day, step after step, week after week, month after month… Living without her, learning to be thankful when there has seemed to be nothing to be thankful about, relying on the Lord for strength, my husband and family and a few close friends for support and understanding…has been painful, but good in a super weird way.
We are still trusting the Lord, even though we never got an answer as to why our seemingly perfectly healthy baby girl just stopped breathing. We are still walking with Him in the midst of our pain and confusion and we are so thankful that He has been with us every step of this tragedy.
We are continuing to ask the Lord everyday to help us survive losing our first baby…and He is.
“I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”
The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
For no one is abandoned
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.”
Lamentations 3:20-33 (NLT)