Mom to Andrew
November 13, 2012
On the day I was 30 weeks pregnant, it started as a normal day. I didn’t have to work so I decided to spend the day relaxing and spending time with Derek, the father of my son. When I was laying in bed, I started shaking a lot, but was not in any pain, yet. After the shaking had calmed down, I decided I was going to get up and take a shower. As soon as I stood up, I had this pain in my belly. I really had no idea what was happening but at first it didn’t seem so serious.
I was overcome with this urge to use the bathroom, so I tried and tried but I couldn’t. At that point the pain had gotten really bad, so I was convinced I needed to go to the ER. When Derek and I finally got there [I was asked] what was wrong at the desk, I told them I was pregnant, how far along I was and I was immediately put in a wheel chair. They got me up to the OB-GYN floor, by the pace of everyone around me I knew that something was wrong.
The doctors brought in two different ultrasound machines and Derek and I both believe to this day we heard the heart beat faintly. They told me they couldn’t hear his heart beat and that they had to give me an emergency c-section. I had a placental abruption, where the lining of the placenta separated from the uterus, and I was bleeding internally. They believe that it was caused by preeclampsia.
When I woke up I found that Andrew hadn’t made it. I had lost my one and only child, who I’d been waiting on, anticipating for so long. I got to hold him for the first and only time. It was hard to let him go, he was so beautiful. The doctors told me time and time again that at the moment that I first felt any pain, that I had lost him, that there was nothing I could do. I then got air lifted to Iowa City to stabilize me, because apparently I was in bad shape, but all I cared about was Andrew. I had been so ready for my son to be with me, and it was so close to my due date.
For a while after I even got home from the hospital, I still felt his kicks in my belly, I was still waiting for him to be here, because surely, it was only a bad dream. But it wasn’t and I feel the pain of my loss of Andrew everyday of my life and it’s hard to think about anything but him most of the time. I find myself angry at God and myself. I hope with time I find my way of coping, and I hope that you do too.
Original story edited to add the following message from Kaitlyn:
I have since had my rainbow baby, Judah. I still miss Andrew with every breath. It has become easier to cope with my loss, most days anyways. I am now more grateful for the fact that every moment he was here on Earth, he was with me. He will always be my love, my first son. I can only hope that he looks down on me and thinks I am a good mom to him and his little brother. Also, with my pregnancy with Judah, I was preeclampsia-free and we had a monitored healthy full term pregnancy.
Kaitlyn can be reached via email: firstname.lastname@example.org