Maria Juan

Maria

February 13, 2012

Henderson, Kentucky

I found out I was pregnant sometime around December 2012. I was 18 years old at the time. I was very happy, but very scared of what my father would say, so I didn’t say a word to him. I decided to tell my mother because I knew she wouldn’t be angry with me. My boyfriend Cody (19 years old at the time) didn’t take the news that great, but he came around.

We have been together for like 7 months [at time of writing] and I couldn’t have chosen a better father for my baby. His family was really supportive, even though we didn’t wait a few more years. I lived with my father and once I started to have morning sickness, I had to be careful whenever my father was around. My boyfriend didn’t like the morning sickness because I never made it to the toilet. I worked 6 days a week at a restaurant as a cashier walking back and forth and I sat down when I had the time.

Once I got my medical card, we made our first appointment with the doctor and I couldn’t wait.The day finally came. It was on Monday, February 13, 2012. He gave me a pap smear, which was quick and then we went to another room so we could take a look at our sweet baby. As I laid there looking at the screen, I just couldn’t believe I had a baby inside of me. My Doctor then said he had trouble looking for the heartbeat. He kept checking and checking and what I have never imagined or even thought what could happen was happening.

My baby had no heart beat and I just broke down crying. My doctor said I needed a vaginal test and he set one up for 2 hours later. I kept thinking in those 2 hours, please don’t let it be true. I had to go to where I worked and had to tell them I couldn’t work because I was supposed to go in work after I was done. I was just devastated. I just couldn’t believe it. After, I had the test done (which was awkward and I wish they would have let Cody back there with me). We met up with my doctor and he said my baby had no heartbeat at all. He said I had a choice to have a natural miscarriage or a D&C. I had to think about it and after talking to my mom, I decided to go with the D&C. I wasn’t going to be strong enough to wait for it to happen. I just couldn’t. I would have been miserable and even more depressed waiting and waiting for the day to happen. 

I became depressed. I didn’t work for 2 weeks through it all. My D&C was scheduled for Friday, February 17, 2012, four days after the horrible day I got the saddest news ever. Cody was with me through it all, but I knew he wasn’t hurting as I was. I was emotionally, mentally and physically hurt.

The day after my surgery, Saturday, February 18, 2012, we adopted this cute puppy. His name was Mars, but we decide to change the S to a Z so he became Marz. He became my love, my sunshine, my baby boy. I lost a sweet baby, but gained Marz, my sweet furry baby boy. He became my everything. I love him to death. He may have four legs and a tail, but he loves me. I moved out of my Father’s house and moved in with my boyfriend. My father still didn’t know what happened until he opened my mail. He had the nerve to say I killed my baby. That just really hurt me. How can a father not believe his own daughter? He would rather listen to the people who I worked with that I thought were kind of like family, but betrayed me and talked about me.They were all just nosy and really never cared about me. I went through hell there. It’s sad because this was something so personal in my life and they talked and try to say other things about it and make up stories. 

After awhile I just didn’t want to talk about my miscarriage. Cody was very supportive at first but then got tired of hearing me say all these things about how I still wanted a baby. I know he loves me and he was with me through it all, but how can it hurt him from me talking about it all? How can he just say to me, “Move On… it happens.” I say to myself, “If you had to physically go through what I went through, you would know why I’m always crying.” I’m traumatized by everything I went through and what they had done to my body and the bleeding after my D&C. He hated when I cried and he would get mad at me. How else was I supposed to let me feelings out? The one person I thought I could tell my feelings to and let them see me cry wasn’t really there for me.

The one moment I needed him the most, he wasn’t there, at least not after. This is a lifetime battle for me. It’s been 1 year and 2 months and I still can’t cope with it, but I’m better than before. I’m still emotionally and mentally hurt, but physically have changed. Cody and I have talked a lot about how he needs to more sensitive and to let me know how he feels and listen more to my feelings. He is getting better at it, little by little. I quit my job at the restaurant and now work at a Kroger owned store called Rulers Food, which I love. We always talk about how our baby would have looked, but through this pain I’ve learned things always happen for some reason. I have Marz and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He has so much personality. One day Marz will be a big brother, whenever it happens. One thing I have learned is that I am not alone. 

You can contact Maria Juan at maria-juan10@hotmail.com 

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