Mom to Bella Grace Brown
Stillborn September 26, 2012
Greensboro, North Carolina
On September 25th 2012 I had a doctor’s appointment at 2:30 pm to check for Gestational Diabetes. Little did I know I would receive the most heartbreaking news an expecting mother can receive. The nurse called me back and checked my vitals and then handed me the sugar drink and timer and said the doctor would be right in to check on me.
When the doctor finally came in, he measured my stomach and then got the Doppler to check Bella’s heartbeat. As the doctor was trying to locate her heartbeat, he let me know sometimes it’s hard to find the heartbeat with this type of monitor because of the way the baby may be positioned. I didn’t really think anything was wrong ’til he brought the portable ultrasound machine in and still was having a hard time. Before he could even say the words I can’t find her heartbeat I started crying uncontrollably. It was like a knife had been stabbed right into my heart, but he continued to say “this does not mean there isn’t one, this is an older machine” so he could not be certain and wanted me to get checked by the ultrasound tech. As my fiancé and I walked to the ultrasound room he tried to comfort me and tell me it would be alright but I just knew he was wrong this time, things were not okay. As I laid down, the ultrasound tech put the gel on my stomach and started looking around, I couldn’t even see the screen due to my overwhelming tears and then I heard her say “I’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat sweetie, I’m so sorry”.
Being led to yet another room to talk about what would happen next, I was doing everything in my power to try and keep it together, while trying to process what had actually just happened. After much discussion with the doctor, he finally told me they already had a room set up for me at Women’s Hospital and I would need to head over there now because I would still have to deliver Bella and they needed to induce labor to prevent any infection since it was unknown when she had actually passed away.
I arrived at Women’s Hospital and everything had already been set up and a nurse was waiting to take me back to my private room. As she got everything set up she explained I would be put on an IV and that I would be given a medication every four hours until Bella arrived and if I needed anything to let her know because their goal was to make me feel as comfortable as they possibly could in this situation.
I had a lot of visitors throughout the first and second day which made it a little easier- knowing all the support I had from family and friends. During this time there were a lot of arrangements and decisions that my Fiancé and I needed to make; decisions about things that I would have never dreamed I would be facing. The delivery surprisingly went really smoothly, but seeing her for the first time and hearing nothing but complete silence made reality really set in. No child should have to be buried before their parents. She wasn’t going to be going home with us, there weren’t going to be any first words or steps that I was only going to have now with her.
Bella Grace Brown was born September 26th 2012 at 5:20pm and weighed 11.4 oz and was 10 in long. An organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep sent out a photographer to take pictures of us with our sweet baby girl. We were able to spend two and half hours with our precious daughter before she was taken away since we had decided to do an autopsy because there was no obvious cause to her passing.
Stephanie can be reached via email: email@example.com