Mom to Nathan Christopher and 5 other angel babies
Pell Lake, Wisconsin
My name is Erica, and I’m 33 years old [at time of writing]. My husband Jeff and I have been married for over 5 years. We have been together since 2006. During our time together, we have suffered six first trimester miscarriages. Our first loss was in 2006, followed by two losses in 2011, two losses in 2012 and our last loss in 2013.
On January 20, 2013, I saw those two pink lines on a pregnancy test, and once again, I tried not to get my hopes up. We had more frequent check-ups with my gynecologist than most other women, due to our extensive history of loss. Seeing and hearing our baby’s heartbeat is always an incredible blessing. Things were going well. I had more morning sickness this time, which is also a good sign. I went in for my fifth ultrasound on March 12, and I knew something was wrong when I didn’t see our baby’s flickering heartbeat. Without saying a word to us, I looked at my doctor, and I knew.
Our baby had passed two days prior, on March 10, 2013. We lost our sixth pregnancy due to a large Cystic Hygroma, which covered the entire length of our baby. After we had genetic testing, we found out we had a baby boy, which we named Nathan Christopher. I was completely devastated. I had gone further with this pregnancy than I had with the others, and I thought we would finally have that baby we have dreamed of for so long. But God had other plans…
We miss our angel babies everyday. I long to hear our babies’ heartbeats on ultrasound again. And while we never got to see our babies move, nor was I able to feel their kicks from deep inside, we knew they were alive. They were our children. The emptiness in our hearts never goes away. The ache to hold our angels in our arms is so strong, sometimes it seems unbearable, especially during the holidays.
Other family members don’t understand why we can’t move on. No one in my family nor my husband’s family have ever experienced recurrent miscarriages. I have four half-sisters and one half-brother, all older, who have children of their own. They cannot relate to what we are going through. While they are able to post pictures of their children on social media sites and share in the joys of first steps, first days of school and all of life’s many firsts, we must endure our pain in silence.
The jealousy is all-consuming sometimes. I feel it everyday: When I go to church and hear my Pastor talk about mothers and children. When I hear babies laugh or cry. When I see mothers pushing their babies in strollers or cradling their miracles in their arms. When I see pregnant celebrities showing off their baby bumps.
I’m bitter now, and I wasn’t before. Before all of this, I was a very hopeful person. My dreams kept me alive. But now I have to face the fact that I may never be a mother. Giving up a dream is a very difficult thing to have to do alone. I am sharing my story in the hope that other women like myself who have experienced multiple losses can form a support circle. I need friends who understand. We all do. Please know that you are NEVER alone.
You can contact Erica at email@example.com.