Mom to Jaylen and Quincy
Born/Passed June 17, 2008
Mom to Payton Ann
Born/Passed August 27, 2011
It all started June 17, 2008. I was about six months pregnant with twin boys. I noticed some bleeding which is of course a red flag in pregnancy. I immediately called my doctor who told me to come in so he could give me an examination. I raced over to the office upset and thinking the worst. He started by doing an ultrasound. I watched the screen intently and saw both little guys moving around. “Yes, they are ok,” I thought to myself.
The Doctor kept looking around and explained to me that the bleeding could mean a possibility of preterm labor, but he did not seem overly concerned. He was gone for what seemed like ages as my mother and I sat in the room waiting for some sort of answer. What was happening? He came in and told me to head over to Labor and Delivery. A specialist from Yale was there and was going to perform another ultrasound and we could get a more definite answer as to what was happening.
I walked through the doors of the labor and delivery unit and was met by my nurse. She told me this was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. What? Why? What does she know that I don’t? Before I knew it I was told I was 4 cm dilated and I would be giving birth today. It just wasn’t possible. There had to be something. I had just watched a show where twins were born three months apart. Can we save one child? Can I just wait and see what happens? Something! There had to be something! They are alive, I can feel them; please don’t make me do this. A few hours later I gave birth to two small little boys Jaylen and Quincy. They had the most perfect tiny fingers and toes.
Leaving the hospital without your babies is an unexplainable, empty feeling. I went home to be reminded of what should have been. That whole next week was a blur, planning a funeral, the funeral, and the emptiness when everyone had gone.
Three years later I was pregnant with a little girl. I had gone to specialist but was told since I had twins before that they are naturally high risk. I had done research on blood-clotting disorders and anything I thought that fit my case. No one seemed to be that concerned except me and my family. I had a scare when I was about 7 weeks along but everything turned out okay.
I had hit about the 21 week mark and started spotting again. This can’t be happening. I went to my doctor who performed an ultrasound and she measured my cervix around 1 cm and thought there was funneling present. I was immediately put on bed rest and started taking progesterone. I was given another appointment at Yale a few days later to see if there was any progress. I was informed there that everything looked good and that I have an oddly shaped cervix but they measured it 3 cm. I was okay, she was okay, thank God.
The next night I felt some cramping, I woke up in the morning and it was worse. I went to the local walk-in clinic because it was a Saturday. They brought me in a room to get blood work done. I waited for what seemed like hours for someone to come in. After she took my blood I stood up and felt a big popping feeling and a gush of blood. She was gone. I felt it. I knew it. They took me to a room, hooked me up to an IV, and called an ambulance to send me to the hospital. In a fog I was taken to the same hospital, and waited for my doctor. She performed an ultrasound to tell me what I already knew. She had no heartbeat. They started me on Pitocin and had her within the hour. We held her for what seemed like a brief time before they took her away. Our daughter Payton Ann was born and passed August 27, 2011.
I never would have imagined at age 28 that I would have buried my three children. This was not the life I had planned. But I had to be strong. I had to pick up the pieces and continue on. I still have no answers as to what happened. I am however keeping the faith that one day I will be able to take those happy pictures of my baby in the delivery room and bring him or her home from the hospital to start our life together. I am thankful that I have had the support of my two sisters, my mother, my boyfriend and friends throughout these past years. They have been a true blessing and kept me sane, (well somewhat sane).
You can contact Kayla at firstname.lastname@example.org.