Mom to “Bug”
November 14, 2013
Oak Harbor, Washington
Time has never gone by so slow…
It has never hurt so much to live another day…
I keep replaying that day over and over again in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong.
I keep reliving the moment when she said he was no longer alive.
I remember how fast the appointment went from us laughing and joking to me screaming, James crying, then silence.
It feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, stomped on it and walked away.
The first time I ever said my sons name was for a death certificate
The first time I get to hold my son will be me getting his ashes back
The ride home from the hospital should have been the scariest yet most exciting drive of our life.
But instead it was quiet, both of us crying , wishing we were taking our boy home.
My sleepless nights should be full of feedings diaper changes and baby snuggles not my uncontrollable crying.
And just when you think you can’t cry anymore, there is somehow a reservoir of tears your body finds and it starts all over again.
People should be coming over to the house to offer congratulations not condolences.
They tell you it all gets easier
I just want to know when.
Marisa blogs at http://inmemoryofbug.blogspot.com