Mom to “Baby B”
November 15, 2012
April 19, 2013
My life changed forever the moment I saw those two pink lines. My life changed forever again 7 weeks later when we found out that our first child had no heartbeat. I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my life so far. I hope that sharing my story can give people an honest look into miscarriage and can help someone else who is going through their own loss.
Words cannot express how excited my husband and I were to find out that we were to become parents. We dreamed about that day for a long time. Overall, my pregnancy progressed easily, but I honestly couldn’t shake the fear of something going wrong. Even still, my husband and I grew more excited as time went on and we had planned a huge reveal to our families for Thanksgiving. Two days before our first OBGYN appointment (a week before Thanksgiving), I became concerned because my pregnancy symptoms seemed to be disappearing. By the day before the appointment, they had vanished completely. I knew in my heart something was wrong, but I was hoping that I was just being paranoid. I told my husband my concerns and we agreed that we would just have to wait and see.
The morning of the appointment (9w 5d) I began having very light cramping. I told the RN and the doctor my concerns instantly. While doing my physical exam, the doctor mentioned that my uterus was small, which I realized later was a sign. I was thankful that she rushed the exam but it felt like an hour waiting for the ultrasound. The moment we saw our baby on the screen our heats sank. Instantly we knew the baby was small and there was no heartbeat. I just kept thinking that this can’t be happening, am really losing my baby. My worst fear had been realized. I just started crying and I remember the doctor squeezing my shoulder and telling me that she was sorry.
Leaving the ultrasound room was horrible. We had to pass happy families with obviously pregnant women and I had tears streaming down my face. I was so hurt that that wasn’t us. We got back into the room and we discussed the options. I elected to take medicine (Cytotec) to induce because I had been having no spotting and the thought of passing the baby during Thanksgiving celebrations was horrifying. I also felt desperate- the thought of my baby gone within me made me panic. The pain after taking the meds was horrible. The doctor warned me that the medicine was 4 times the strength that they give full-term women to induce labor, but I didn’t expect what I felt. I had constant cramping with waves of extreme pain. I wanted to go to the bathroom but due to the cramping I couldn’t even straighten my body out of a fetal position. Thankfully after an hour and a half the pain medication kicked in and I had some relief. That’s when I tried going to the bathroom and I felt it come out. When I looked down at the toilet paper, I saw the clear sac with the visible greyish/brown cord, perfectly intact and very visible. It was the worst moment of my life placing the sac into the toilet, knowing that my child was probably still inside, and flushing it down the toilet. I felt like a monster, discarding my baby like it was nothing. Part of me still does, but at the time I didn’t know what else to do.
Telling family and friends was difficult, especially since we had well planned exactly how we wanted to originally tell them about our happy news. At first I felt like such a failure. I was horrified and so scared when I learned that the news had instantly spread throughout our family. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed for everyone to know. I was afraid of the judgment. Now that time has passed, I’m ok with people knowing (it’s actually freeing!).I want our child to be acknowledged like any other. In some cases, I have really appreciated the support we’ve received. In others, we have been left disappointed with some people’s response. Out of all the responses, I think the lack of acknowledgment has been the worst. I try to tell myself that maybe they just didn’t know what to say, but it hurts. Someone else said it best when they said it’s like you’re the only one that cares that a baby had even existed and died.
It’s been a year and a half since our loss and life has been a roller coaster ever since. Five months after the first, we had our second loss. Three months after that we were given a diagnosis: I had what was called a Balanced Translocation. Less than 1% of the population has the genetic condition and it affects the chromosomes in my eggs. Many of my eggs have an uneven number of chromosomes, which is causing my pregnancy losses. We have since tried IVF twice and failed due to all unhealthy embryos. We are now considering egg or embryo adoption in order to become the parents we know that we are destined to be. I know the road to get there will be hard, but I know it’s one I will never stop pursuing.
For women going though it now, or who may go through it, I will tell you that I’ve found support in reading other’s stories online and in talking to other women who have gone through it. I feel connected with others that can take the words right out of my heart and express things that I was feeling but just did not know how to say. It has helped get rid of the shame and guilt. Pregnancy loss, whether miscarriage or stillborn, is so taboo and rarely talked about and I think that only supports that shame we feel. We need to talk. We need to share our stories. My husband and I also bought engraved boxes to keep our treasured memories from our pregnancies. Having the boxes give us the security that we will always have our children with us. God may have our babies in his arms, but we will always hold them in our hearts.
You may contact Kendall at KBasore517@gmail.com